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Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers

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The book, Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers by Mike and Harriet McManus is a great tool for pastors, parents, and those concerned about cohabitation. Mike and Harriet have decades of experience in working to strengthen marriage. They have tirelessly traveled to hundreds of communities to establish Community Marriage Policies, in which clergy, have pledged to offer more thorough marriage preparation. This has actually reduced divorce rates by an average of 17.5% and cohabitation rates by one-third! In my city of Evansville, IN more than 100 churches adopted reforms that resulted in the divorce rate down by 20% and marriage rate risen by 16%.

This book gives wonderful information to support the cause of traditional marriage. Our culture today has accepted cohabitation to the detriment of society. Couples who live together before marriage are at a very high risk of divorce. This book will give you the facts and figures. Mike and Harriet cite research to back up their statements. This is a great book to give to those whao are cohabiting. It will open their eyes to the reality of their situation. Many women believe that living together will lead to marriage but according to this book, men usually choose to live with a woman for convenience. There are interesting stories woven througout the book to keep your interest.

I recommend Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers to everyone who cares about the future of our families and the stability of our country.

Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers by Mike and Harriet McManus (Howard Books, 2008, 234 pages) is not a book for people who ignore the facts and blindly accept popular beliefs concerning cohabitation. Rather, the book is written for discerning couples (and their parents, clergy, and friends) who truly trust and respect each other and seek a healthy, rewarding, long-term marriage.

Cohabitation, as defined by Webster's, is "to live together as husband and wife usually without legal or religious sanction." Forty years ago it was known as "shacking up" or "living in sin" but today the politically correct terms are "living together" or "trial marriage." Mike and Harriet McManus, co-founders of the Marriage Savers® organization (trained our marriage mentor couples -- Aug 2008 Good News) use large amounts of study data, in addition to their own experiences in working with engaged couples, to demonstrate convincingly that no single choice is more destructive to the long-term prospects of establishing a lasting relationship than cohabitation. They take a fundamental position that one can not practice permanence, and unless a marriage is established as permanent, a couple will not approach it the same way.

This book is a wake-up call on the extent of the problem of cohabitation -- with encouraging, proven answers. It convincingly demonstrates that cohabitation increases rather than decreases the likelihood of divorce. The book notes that people cohabit for a variety of reasons, but the result is generally the same, regardless of the motivation: a failed relationship, whether marriage resulted or not. The book details the risks and dangers of cohabitation and its disproportionate impact on women and children.

The Extent of the Problem
* The number of never-married Americans soared from 21 million in 1970 to 60 million in 2006 (largely because women are agreeing to live in unwed relationships with men)
* Of cohabiting couples, 41 percent have children living with them
* At any given time, 5.4 million couples are living together (cohabiting.org among the many surveys and research cited)

Just the Facts
* Eight out of ten cohabiting relationships will fail before or after the wedding
* Half of cohabiting relationships end within fifteen months - without a wedding
* Couples who marry after living together are fifty percent more likely to divorce than those who remain apart before the wedding - the longer one cohabits, the greater the danger of a future divorce
* Cohabiting couples who marry face much greater odds of divorce - 67 percent as opposed to the usual 45 percent for first marriages
* There is more infidelity in cohabiting relationships than among married couples
* Children of cohabiting couples are more likely to experience emotional problems, alcoholism and drug abuse

The book examines twelve key myths about cohabitation and refutes each. It lists the top ten reasons why men won't commit and identifies seven less-recognized underlying issues driving the twelve fold increase in the number of cohabiting couples. It details male and female motivations to cohabit - generally men for convenience; women to get a marriage proposal.

The authors outline a better way to test whether a couple's relationship is strong enough to build a life long marriage in a five step approach:

1. Take a premarital inventory such as PREPARE or FOCCUS that ask the couples whether they agree or disagree with 150+ statements like these:

- At times I am concerned about the silent treatment I get from my future spouse.
- I am concerned that my future spouse spends money foolishly.
- I would like to change some of the ways we solve problems

The inventory gives the couple an objective overview of their strengths as a couple, and areas for future growth. It also provides a bridge for older couples to mentor those preparing for marriage.

2. Meet with a trained Mentor Couple in a healthy marriage, to discuss the issues surfaced by the inventory. Mentor Couples review the inventory with the mentorees and discuss the unique issues that each couple has revealed about themselves.

3. Learn skills of communication and conflict resolution. Mentor Couples are trained to administer a series of exercises designed to help couples learn to resolve conflict in a way that is mutually respectful. The major reasons that couples divorce is that they have not learned the skills of conflict resolution that can be taught in a few hours.

4. Move apart. Couples who are cohabiting have a diminished quality of their relationship that can be improved by moving apart and going through the thorough marriage preparation process outlined above. Many arguments will cease. This approach will increase the couple's long-term odds for success.

5. Remain chaste or stop having sex until the wedding. This is the hardest step to take, but studies show that the sexually active are much more likely to divorce than those who are chaste. The sexually active are two-thirds more likely to divorce. Remaining chaste until the wedding increases their chances for success.

Consider this book an investment in your or someone else's marriage. Whether you are a mentor seeking to help others in their marriage, a parent helping a child as he or she is contemplating living with someone, a pastor who needs a reliable tool to help counsel couples, or a person considering living with someone yourself, this book is well worth the read. The book can be previewed online (Foreword by Chuck Colson, Chapters 1-7 and 9-10 extracts, Appendix A, and Notes) at: http://books.google.com/books?id=4QZA_AzsR2oC&pg=PA225&lpg=PA225&dq=cohabiting.org&source=web&ots=jsspm88EBe&sig=K_eA7o84DiNA1_G-8ac3DAR3rA8&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=2&ct=result#PPP1,M1

Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers The authors take on and dismantle many of the current popular beliefs surrounding the idea that co-habitation is "no big deal". Using large amounts of study data, in addition to their own experiences in working with engaged couples, the authors demonstrate convincingly that no single choice is more destructive to the long-term prospects of establishing a lasting relationship.

I bought this book because my mom is cohabiting. While it targets parents who's children are cohabiting more, I still found it to have plenty of current, useful statistics. The book used statistical, logical, and scriptural arguments, balancing the three very well. It was an easy read, and I'd recommend it to anyone who is considering cohabiting or knows someone who is.

As a pastor who does extensive pre-marital and marriage counseling this book has been a huge help. I frequently recommend it to parents who have children that cohabit. Our church is introducing the book to high school and college age students to help them develop a biblical worldview of marriage.
The McManus' bring a lot of solid research to one place. I still pull research out of various sources that study marriage, but this book is more than just dry research data - it offers insight and help.
I especially appreciate their emphasis on developing marriage mentors to help couples discover how they can have healthy, authentic relationships.

This book was excellent in addressing the common fallacy that living together before marriage will help you make the right decision about marriage. Whether or not you have a Christian or other religious background, if you are considering getting married for the first time or the second or third, I highly recommend this book. I also recommend this book to every pastor, minister, priest and rabbi. I was so impressed with the content, I plan on contacting the author to find out how I can spearhead an effort in my town to get his suggestions implemented in every local church.

The downside of the book is that it is a bit repetitive. However, the content is so rich with facts and figures that support the author's points that it's easy to overlook the redundancy to glean his 20 years of experience and understanding on one of the most important foundations of our society, marriage.

This book was not at all what I was expecting. I guess it was my fault for not doing more research on the authors and the book itself. This is a Christian book, and while it does cite some statistics that favor its view, it is highly screwed and hardly fair. I was looking for a book that summarized and condensed many of the scientific papers I have read on this matter. this book left out a lot of the studies I have read, and the heavily religious viewpoint of the authors was distracting and detracted from its scientific creditability.If you are a devout Christian looking for some Christian guidance on relationships, or if you are a pastor looking for a good book to refer to to guide couples in your parish, than this would probably be a good book, but if you are looking for what the psychological and sociological community has to say on this issue, than this is definitely not it.

I really wish this book was retitled to something like "Living Together: Marriage is the Only Answer". My girlfriend and I are considering living together and were hoping to get some "Answers" as the book is titled on things we could discuss before we live together. The authors conclude that marriage is the only way and that living together is basically no good, especially in the view of religion. Their points and views may be valid for some, maybe most people, but not for all.

Since we are around 50 and have been married previously, me more than once, we do not want to get married again. Been there, done that. If someone is seriously thinking about getting married, now or in the future, the book may provide some insight to them. I will conclude by saying to those couples God bless you and good luck.