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44 of 45 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Gentle, Practical, Extremely Valuable Book Handling a Sensitive Subject, October 14, 2006
This review is from: Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman (Paperback)
*****
This is a gentle and honest book for self-inquiry for those women who are married and questioning their sexual identity. It helps you to sort out the myriad of complex feelings that ensue when you are in love with another woman, wish you were in love with another woman, wonder if what's wrong with your marriage is that you really belong with a woman, and more. In this sorting out, the author is kind and non-judgmental of diverse beliefs, and does not have an agenda---feminist or otherwise---in the courses of action that would be best for the reader; instead she helps you to find the answers that are right for you.
The book facilitates this self-searching by a terrific format. It is organized into chapters by topic, including: questioning, finding your sexual identity, examining your marriage, husbands' responses, managing the roller coaster, girlfriends, helping your children, and support. The chapters are full of gentle questioning and supportive ways of dealing with what is inevitably a difficult time in a woman's life, no matter what the outcome.
Then, at the end of each chapter, there is a section called "What You Can Do Now"---simple actions that you really can do, even if you're uncertain and up-in-the-air about so much else. Each of these action sections is broken up into several parts like:
"Remind yourself..." (with good things to remind yourself of---for example, "Self-understanding is not a linear process. I may take one step backward for every two steps forward."),
"Ask yourself this question..." (a thought-provoking question related to the chapter topic---for example, "What messages about sexuality, direct or covert, did I get from my parents, teachers, clergy, friends? And which do I continue to hold inside me?"),
"Practice this technique for handling your feelings..." (a do-able and helpful coping technique---for example, keeping your focus on staying in the present), and
"Take one step..." (a concrete action step that you can take, as opposed to one that you are unsure about---for example, making a timeline of the key sexual events in your life and how they shaped your thoughts about your sexuality).
These action sections help you on what is a lengthy and patient journey.
The book helps you to realize that you are not alone, that other women have been where you are. It does not sugar-coat the process of exploring your sexual identity, however. It is realistic and presents the difficulties and potential costs as well as the benefits of such a journey. The biggest gift this book gave me is that it helped me to not feel so scared---as do most women when thinking about huge life changes. It helped me to see that I would be okay no matter what choices my future held.
It is also an excellent book to be read not only by the woman who is questioning her sexuality, but by the woman's husband, girlfriend, adult children, or those who simply wish to understand this difficult process that is so seldom written about in such a sensitive way. Highly recommended.
*****
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26 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Letter Written to the Author, September 29, 2006
This review is from: Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman (Paperback)
Hi Joanne,
I have been reading Living Two Lives and am grateful for it. I found
> myself, at first, wishing that I had had it three years ago...what an
> ordeal! Falling in love with a woman for the first time....having been
> married for eighteen years with two daughters...total rejection by
> family and a very strict religion...
>
> But for now....I find that it is helping me to step back and give
> myself the time that I need to figure out how I really feel. You
> stress this beautifully in the book. The personal accounts are
> pertinent. Your own story peppered throughout is intriguing because
> you have insights into all aspects of this emotional roller coaster
> ride that we find ourselves on. I appreciated the suggestions at the
> end of each chapter: things to think about...things to work
> on....reminders...it's like having a friend to hold your hand as you
> traverse the slippery slope of self-discovery and awareness...one that
> can be terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Thank you
> for writing it. Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of us.
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19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Struggling with these issues? This is an excellent resource., April 14, 2006
This review is from: Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman (Paperback)
This is the most well organized & readable book I've found on this topic.
The therapist author lays out a framework of considerations, giving the reader many options to consider. The author's intent is not to advocate one solution, but rather to give real pros & cons to the many options.
The author does not think one form of relationship is an ideal. She advocates the idea that different forms of relationships, groupings, priorities, & boundaries work better for different needs. Being a therapist, she relays the experiences of herself and her clients who have travelled these paths. From her observations with many clients, she does not believe there is one relationship type that is best for all. She does not categorize certain relationship formations as secondary or less than ideal. The quality of the relationship form is dependent on the people involved.
The book discusses ways of balancing disclosure & openness with the dangers caused by society, religion, spouses, & guilt. Please don't misread the title, the author generally believes in being honest with yourself and the people close to you.
The author makes her points & moves on. The book is an artistic balance between narrative, structure, personal testimonials, & theory.
If you're looking for a book to give you the answers to your questions, this book is not primarily intent on giving answers. This book will give you more respect for more types of relationships. And it shows that many forms of relationships have comparably difficult characteristics. It will probably make you more considerate of others, more respectful of their choices, and more admiring of the obstacles they have overcome.
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