Customer Reviews

Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman

5 star:		(16)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

*****
This is a gentle and honest book for self-inquiry for those women who are married and questioning their sexual identity. It helps you to sort out the myriad of complex feelings that ensue when you are in love with another woman, wish you were in love with another woman, wonder if what's wrong with your marriage is that you really belong with a woman, and more. In this sorting out, the author is kind and non-judgmental of diverse beliefs, and does not have an agenda---feminist or otherwise---in the courses of action that would be best for the reader; instead she helps you to find the answers that are right for you.

The book facilitates this self-searching by a terrific format. It is organized into chapters by topic, including: questioning, finding your sexual identity, examining your marriage, husbands' responses, managing the roller coaster, girlfriends, helping your children, and support. The chapters are full of gentle questioning and supportive ways of dealing with what is inevitably a difficult time in a woman's life, no matter what the outcome.

Then, at the end of each chapter, there is a section called "What You Can Do Now"---simple actions that you really can do, even if you're uncertain and up-in-the-air about so much else. Each of these action sections is broken up into several parts like:
"Remind yourself..." (with good things to remind yourself of---for example, "Self-understanding is not a linear process. I may take one step backward for every two steps forward."),
"Ask yourself this question..." (a thought-provoking question related to the chapter topic---for example, "What messages about sexuality, direct or covert, did I get from my parents, teachers, clergy, friends? And which do I continue to hold inside me?"),
"Practice this technique for handling your feelings..." (a do-able and helpful coping technique---for example, keeping your focus on staying in the present), and
"Take one step..." (a concrete action step that you can take, as opposed to one that you are unsure about---for example, making a timeline of the key sexual events in your life and how they shaped your thoughts about your sexuality).
These action sections help you on what is a lengthy and patient journey.

The book helps you to realize that you are not alone, that other women have been where you are. It does not sugar-coat the process of exploring your sexual identity, however. It is realistic and presents the difficulties and potential costs as well as the benefits of such a journey. The biggest gift this book gave me is that it helped me to not feel so scared---as do most women when thinking about huge life changes. It helped me to see that I would be okay no matter what choices my future held.

It is also an excellent book to be read not only by the woman who is questioning her sexuality, but by the woman's husband, girlfriend, adult children, or those who simply wish to understand this difficult process that is so seldom written about in such a sensitive way. Highly recommended.
*****

Hi Joanne,
I have been reading Living Two Lives and am grateful for it. I found
> myself, at first, wishing that I had had it three years ago...what an
> ordeal! Falling in love with a woman for the first time....having been
> married for eighteen years with two daughters...total rejection by
> family and a very strict religion...
>
> But for now....I find that it is helping me to step back and give
> myself the time that I need to figure out how I really feel. You
> stress this beautifully in the book. The personal accounts are
> pertinent. Your own story peppered throughout is intriguing because
> you have insights into all aspects of this emotional roller coaster
> ride that we find ourselves on. I appreciated the suggestions at the
> end of each chapter: things to think about...things to work
> on....reminders...it's like having a friend to hold your hand as you
> traverse the slippery slope of self-discovery and awareness...one that
> can be terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Thank you
> for writing it. Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of us.

This is the most well organized & readable book I've found on this topic.

The therapist author lays out a framework of considerations, giving the reader many options to consider. The author's intent is not to advocate one solution, but rather to give real pros & cons to the many options.

The author does not think one form of relationship is an ideal. She advocates the idea that different forms of relationships, groupings, priorities, & boundaries work better for different needs. Being a therapist, she relays the experiences of herself and her clients who have travelled these paths. From her observations with many clients, she does not believe there is one relationship type that is best for all. She does not categorize certain relationship formations as secondary or less than ideal. The quality of the relationship form is dependent on the people involved.

The book discusses ways of balancing disclosure & openness with the dangers caused by society, religion, spouses, & guilt. Please don't misread the title, the author generally believes in being honest with yourself and the people close to you.

The author makes her points & moves on. The book is an artistic balance between narrative, structure, personal testimonials, & theory.

If you're looking for a book to give you the answers to your questions, this book is not primarily intent on giving answers. This book will give you more respect for more types of relationships. And it shows that many forms of relationships have comparably difficult characteristics. It will probably make you more considerate of others, more respectful of their choices, and more admiring of the obstacles they have overcome.

For any married woman who is questioning her sexual identity, this book may literally be a lifesaver, as a tsunami of emotions ... incredulity, shame, fear, self-loathing, remorse, guilt, ambivalence ... grief ... often accentuates the transition from one self-identity to another. The mental and spiritual turmoil can be brutal on the psyche, even unbearable at times.

"Living Two Lives" lands right on the mark, as Joanne Fleisher capitalizes on her own personal experiences; the personal experiences of her clients; a fluid, organized writing style; and her professional credentials to show us how to survive, and ultimately flourish in the newfound awareness that we are attracted to, perhaps even in love with another woman.

Please, however, do not mistake this book for a simple-solution, or a how-to on marital breakups. Instead, Joanne guides the reader in discovering her authentic self, in assessing the qualities of the marriage, in considering the effects on the children, and in making the best decision based on her own timeframe.

Some women will choose to remain married, while others will opt for separation and divorce. We are encouraged by some of the interviewees, that even in the aftermath of such drastic change, relationships with spouses and children can actually improve, regardless of the decision to stay or to move on.

Three years ago, I attended one of Joanne's weekend seminars. Although I didn't realize it at the time, the seminar was a turning point for me, the time when I began to believe that I am still an okay person, that I am not alone in this phenomena, that I deserve to be happy, and that the power to do so is within me. I finally stopped thinking about suicide. The basic concepts from that seminar are now available in "Living Two Lives". I am indebted to Joanne for cultivating in me the courage to live. Muchas gracias, Joanne!
Lynn M.

This book is awesome. It's helped me overcome alot of confusion. It's so helpful to not only me but my husband as well. This book is the book I never thought would be for sale and for that I'm glad it is!! I feel like she's talking about me in the book. It's so at home for me. It's not confusing and she's not misleading in the book. No way in the book does it ever limit your options in life. You will get so much help by reading this book. I recommend it over any other book!

I felt this book was thorough in discussing the kinds of options available and people's reactions. I liked that it came from personal experience, but didn't force one solution on the reader. I felt it was appropriately open ended, while at the same time being full of practical information and advice on how to get through the questioning period.

The book wasn't a turning point for me, but rather something I found in the midst of a turning point I was already undergoing. It gave me a lot of validation. My girlfriend read it, too, and she also was impressed. I think it gave her more perspective on what I and my husband may be going through. Both my husband and my girlfriend were nervous when they saw the title of what I was reading, but when they saw what I was getting out of it and read bits of it, they were ok.

I think a lot more could be written on this subject, but this book was a great start. I appreciated the variety of perspectives included (so that many people could recognize themselves), but of course they did not all apply to me personally. I liked how the difficulties of going from a marriage directly to another relationship were acknowledged, as were some of the trials of affairs, while the book maintained a compassionate spirit to those who have taken that route. I was pleasantly surprised as well that the author presented alternative options, not just based on leaving or staying with the husband. This book showed an ability to see not only in black and white or shades of grey, but in full color as well.

It was good that the book wasn't overwhelmingly long, but at the same time I hope Joanne Fleisher or others will write more books about different variations on this theme, that go in more depth about legal issues, affects of different choices on children, and coping with abuse situations in this context.

I thank the author for putting her energy into this work, and providing a voice of validation, support, and encouragement to women who have found ourselves living outside society's and even the counter-culture's ways of being. We needed that.

I picked up Joanne's book "living two lives" a few days ago. If you are still confused as hell and in pain - you NEED to read this book. It is amazing how "on" it is. 90% of what is said is so dead on accurate to what I am feeling - it is amazing.
I am only about half way through it - but I can tell you - you will sit and read it with tears rolling down your cheeks. The truth is painful!

My plan is to finish reading it - then get a highlighter and re-read it highlighting the most truthful/accurate parts to me, and then give it to my husband to read. I have not yet had the "discussion" with my husband - but I think this book is a wonderful window into what we are feeling and experiencing.

GET IT!!!!!!! It is better than therapy :-)

This insightful and comprehensive book, offers invaluable guidance to married women who are struggling with their feelings for another woman. Drawing on 20 years of experience as a psychotherapist, Joanne Fleisher writes of both the joys and terrors these women face. The reader may be comforted to know that she is not alone and the experiences of others, including Joanne herself, will demonstrate the range of options open to her. Throughout this book, the reader is supported in the discovery her personal truth which will inform her as she navigates the road ahead.

I wish I had this book three or four years ago! It would have helped me so much during the confusing transitional period between recognizing myself as a lesbian, coming out to my family, moving out of a 30-year marriage to my childhood friend, and living by myself for the first time in my life, trying to start dating.

Joanne Fleisher's step-by-step discussion of a married woman's predicament when she realizes that she loves women covers all aspects of the situation. The book offers a variety of solutions to common problems. Her practical suggestions are explained thoroughly and illustrated using comments from other women as well as her own life story.

As a therapist working individually and with groups of married women who love women, Joanne has developed an incredible global picture of the needs of women in this situation. In her book, she offers wonderful insight, common sense suggestions, and loving support.

There is a feature that I like a lot at the end of each chapter. The section called "What You Can Do Now," includes affirmations, questions to help you clarify your feelings, suggestions of topics to journal or discuss, techniques for handling your feelings, and ways to create an action plan. These steps can be incredibly transforming if followed.

Living Two Lives is an excellent guide for married women who love women and don't know what to do or where to go next.

I received the book and did not put it down until I read it completely. What a lifesaver! My husband also picked it up and started reading it. It gave him the courage to ask questions and initiate conversations. It was such a relief to be validated and to know that I am not alone. My options are not black and white anymore and I can relax knowing that I don't have to make a decision today. I really needed to be told to take my time. I've felt pressure from everyone to do something now. This is truly a one of a kind book and a must read for every woman in this situation.