Customer Reviews

Locusts: The 8th Plague

5 star:		(2)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Locusts: The 8th Plague (Ian Gilmour, 2005)

Put the names Dan Cortese (TV's What I Like About You) and Julie Snow (Satan's School for Girls) on a movie and you're almost guaranteed that the only channel who's going to option it is Sci-Fi. And, what a surprise, here we have the Sci-Fi Channel original Locusts: The 8th Plague. (Because spelling out "eighth" would have either been too unhip, or no one involved with the movie knew how to spell "eighth.") While you're at it, throw in a bunch of character actors-- Keith David, Jeff Fahey, Kirk Woller, and the truly great Hristo Shopov-- and do you really even need a synopsis to know you either must see this movie or must avoid it at all costs, depending?

Anyway: genetically-mutated locusts that eat human flesh. Scientists. Military. Battle. Really, really awful special effects (someone discovered the "particles" section of the CGI software, and didn't realize that what makes flames look really cool in computer games would not work for flowing blood). Bad acting. Stupid love-story subplot. Greedy scientists getting their comeuppance, while the conflicted ones get saved. Final scene that suggests a sequel. (Locusts: the 9th Plague?)

This movie is thoroughly awful. It could have been written by a half-asleep six-year-old with ADHD. But, like most Sci-Fi Original Turn-Your-Brain-Off pieces of sheer stupidity, it has the advantage of being watchable, if nothing else. You have to turn your brain off to watch it, but when the stupidity is broken into chunks by ads for Viagra and alcohol-free Pam, your brain is saved from completely breaking down. * ½

I love science fiction movies. Here we go again, trying to play God by being in control of the elements. When will man learn that lesson? It's exciting to watch how they try!!!

I had really low expectations for this movie. First of all, it's about man-eating locusts. Second, it's got a colon in its name, as if connecting locusts to the biblical plague somehow makes the film more relevant. And did I mention it's about locusts?

The locusts in question are a swarm of predatory insects genetically engineered (of course) by Silogen. Silogen, led by the ruthless Gary Wolf (David Keith), pushes for an early test of the carnivorous swarm over the protests of chief scientist Russ Snow (Jeff Fahey). Silogen is a typical corporation and needs to make money, so the locusts are released early with predictable results.

One has to wonder - why in the world would you have a vent to the outside world located anywhere near your toxic swarm of killer locusts? Because you've got a horror movie to film, that's why.

And so the locusts escape, turning their victims into bloody mush. The locusts also have a habit of smashing themselves into windshields, which looks an awful lot like a production assistant slinging red goo at the camera. Of course, Silogen doesn't realize how deadly their Frankenstein monsters are until it's too late.

It's just this sort of shenanigans that caused Colt Anderson (Dan Cortese) to quite Silogen and start his own business producing organic pesticides. Anderson hasn't entirely cut his ties with his former company however - he's still dating the chief scientist's hot daughter Vicky Snow (Julie Benz, giving me a new appreciation for her understated appearance in Dexter). Together, they just might be smart enough to defeat...

Oh, whom I kidding? At various times throughout Locusts: The 8th Plague, director Ian Gilmour cinematically throws up his hands. For example:

* The locusts are all drones that should die in two days. But their gender changes spontaneously so that they can begin breeding. The explanation? "It's common in Jurassic - I mean with amphibians -- but extremely rare in the insect kingdom." Or to put it another way: "Yeah, we know it's dumb, but we had to make the bugs scary somehow."

* The locusts have a nest in a giant cave, the same cave where a family is attacked. The military's top scientists march right in, surprised to find the cave is filled with bugs. Then they proceed to use pesticides that don't work, flamethrowers that don't work, and march around with machineguns because surely THAT will work.

* The locusts EAT pesticides. It "makes them stronger." How? Why are you asking all these questions? This is the EIGHTH PLAGUE man! It was in the BIBLE!

* The reason the insects don't eat our heroes is because they eat only organic food. Everyone else, including cows and random people off the street, are so full of pesticides that the bugs eat them. Because they eat pesticides, remember?

By far the best part of this film is its hippie idealism. Governments are corrupt, pesticides are bad, genetics are evil, and if you just eat all natural foods without pesticides, bugs won't eat you.

Unless you watch this film of course. In that case, you're probably toxic enough to make for a light locust snack.

I like this movie. It gives people something to think about even if it is a movie.

One of the cable channels here in Sweden just showed this awful movie, at 2:40 AM. It's 4:30 AM as I'm writing this. Insomnia, anyone?

I didn't expect much of a movie titled "Locusts: the 8th plague" , but I must admit that the movie was even worse than my low expectations.

Unless, of course, you take it as a parody...

A swarm of dangerous, deadly, meat-eating locusts escape from a research laboratory of questionable reputation. They attack and mutilate cows. Then, they turn on farmers. Even later, they attack an amusement park. Naturally, the hungry insects also consume a doomsday preacher who quotes the locust verse from the Book of Revelation! Various special units from Washington are called in, but it turns out that the locusts (who are nicely coloured in red, by the way) are drawn towards their napalm-like pesticide, rather than killed by it.

Only one man can save the world (or is it southern Idaho): the main character of this second-rate horror show turns out to be a vegan freak who only eats organic foods. This makes him immune to the locusts. He promptly sprays the swarm with an all-organic pesticide called All Organic, and presto, the Biblical plague is thwarted in the bud. Pity nobody told Ramses II!

BUT SOME OF THE LOCUSTS ARE STILL OUT THERE...

"Locusts: the 8th plague" has all ingredients that make a horror movie really, really bad. For starters, you can actually see that the locusts are either animated, or made of plastic (red plastic). The fire spewed by one of the special units is also obviously bogus. The locusts kill and eat people so fast, that you hardly see it happening. Many of the actors are worthless, the crook naturally gets eaten by his own invention, and the usual conflicts between the silly officer and the smart scientist are *so* boring. Nor is there any hot love between the hero and his girlfriend (another smart scientist). At least the roaches at the beginning of the movie look authentic, but they are quickly consumed by the damn locusts!

I hope this movie was made as a joke. If you take it with a very large grain of salt, it's actually quite funny. It's what Swedes call "a turkey movie": a movie that's so bad, that it actually gets good!

But they did miss something! All second-rate movies let some third-rate rock band sing an end credit song. This movie had none?!

I mean, I'm sure David Lee Roth or Dee Snider would have recorded a locust song, in case anyone asked them too!

And now, I'm off to bed...