Customer Reviews

Lonely All The Time: Recognizing, Understanding, and Overcoming Sex Addiction, for Addicts and Co-dependents

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I bought this book because I'm writing a book on relationships. At one time I was a counselor for alcohol and drug addicts, and there are many books on addiction but they sugar coat the problems. This book just tells it like it is. The book clarified the problems with being addicted. The thoughts in the book apply to any addiction. The destruction to the family and friends applies to any addiction.

I've read about 20 books on this topic in the last year and WHEN IT COMES TO THE FAMILY... co-addict and addict dealing with each other, I recommend this book (*gasp*) even more than the oft recommended OUT OF THE SHADOWS by Patrick Carnes. This book is meaty, an easy read, demonstrates very well the process of both addiction and co-addiction in a family system & how they interact. It's rare for sex addiction books to include such amazingly good quantity on the co-addict/ child of addict side. If you want JUST ONE book to address ALL sides of the coin in a NON-CLINICAL format this book is an EXCELLENT choice for addicts, co-addicts, and children raised in families of a sex addict. I also recommend it to anyone who thinks the addict is the only one who needs help/ who has a problem.

If you find sexual acting out behaviors disturbing, know that chapter 2 (easy to skip or rip out; it's all in 1 place) is the only place it's addressed with potentially distressing detail.

Intro: How This Book Can Help You. Addicted to sex?, How much is too much?, What's in a name?, Parallels between sex addiction & other addictions, This book can help, Transforming yourself.

SECTION 1: WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION? (pgs. 1-127)

Ch. 1: Out of Control: The Nature of Sex Addiction. What is sex addiction?, sex: using it as a drug, sex: an obsession, sex: a compulsion, the seeds of sex addiction: (1) negative self talk (+ Carnes' 4 core beliefs), (2) "diseased" thinking (about self & others), (3) unrealistic attitudes: all you need is sex & sex is all you need (sex is love, power, proof of adequacy, it makes you special), (4) stress (art & stress of deception, keep others from getting too close, pulled in opposite directions), (5) search of the ultimate high (fixation, rituals, point of no return, instant hangover), (6) denial. What sexual addiction is not.

Ch. 2: Going To Extremes: The Acts of Sex Addiction. "Victimless" Behaviors: distorting relationships & contradicting one's own ethical beliefs, affairs & 1 night stands, masturbation, pornography, phone sex services, fetishism, prostitution, beastiality, sadomasochism. Victimizing behaviors: obscene phone calls, inappropriate touch, voyeurism, exhibitionism, child molestation, incest, rape. Addictive behaviors reinforce one another, addiction does not eliminate accountability.

Ch. 3: Back To The Source: Examining Family & Sexual Histories. Looking at the past objectively - perhaps for the 1st time, why insight matters, learning by example, the childhood lessons that form a sex addict's self image, (I'm not good enough the way I am, I must be perfect - if I make mistakes catastrophic things will happen, no matter what I do something bad happens, I can't do anything right, being good does not get me what I want, if I try to get what I want or say what I think I will lose the love & approval I need, it is wrong to want what I want and wrong to think what I think, I am nothing without other people's approval). How these childhood lessons shape the addicts' view of the world around them: I cannot depend on people because people are unpredictable, people will always abandon or reject me, no one will ever really love me - no one will ever really care, people I love will always hurt me, if people can't get near me they can't hurt me. Learning (or not learning) social skills: I have to obey the rules, project & protect the right image to all people at all times, don't feel your feelings - squelch them if you can and if you can't then keep them to yourself, I can get along with other people as long as relationships & communication stay on a safe superficial level, there are only 2 kinds of touches - painful ones & sexual ones. Sex Education: sex & sexuality are unspeakable, sexual relationship are strained & stressful, sex is evil/sinful, nothing is permitted so I must keep all signs of my sexuality well hidden, if people find out what I am doing I will lose one of the only things that makes me feel good. Leaving home but carrying the baggage (6 page family of origin questionnaire).

Ch. 4: Deep In Denial: Maintaining the Illusion of Control. The drive to control, the illusion of control: regulating runaway emotions, silencing negative self talk, coping with adult responsibilities, controlling sexual gratification - or being controlled by it?, sex binges: trying to control the uncontrollable, denial (simple denial, minimizing, blaming/projection, rationalizing, intellectualizing, diversion, hostility), lying to others.

Ch. 5: Risking Everything: The Deadly Potential of the Disease. Why sex addicts risk everything for a sexual high, denying the existence or seriousness of risk, believing they are immune to dangers, "stop me if you can": refusing to accept responsibility for addictive behavior, turning negative consequences into positive opportunities, hitting bottom, medical risks, when disease leads to discovery: will loved ones acknowledge the disease or deny it too?.

SECTION 2: SEX ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE (pgs. 129-206)

Ch. 6: Is There A Stranger In The House? Living With A Sex Addict. Co-dependency, warning signs of sex addiction, if you do see the signs, traumatic eye-openers & their aftermath, reeling from the blow, the war between ideals & reality.

Ch. 7: Addicted to the Addict: The Co-Dependent Personality. The roots of co-dependency, family histories, crossing the line: when self-sacrifice becomes martyrdom, learning to "stand by your man" (or woman), addict & co-dependent: interlocking puzzle pieces, mirroring addictive behavior, co-dependent self talk, denial, emotional withdrawal or volatility, secrets & cover ups, enabling, isolation, co-dependent obsessions & rituals, isolation, codependent obsessions & rituals, sitting on the sidelines, powerlessness & despair.

Ch. 8: Stuck on the Merry-Go-Round: Co-dependent Roles & Reactions. 4 codependent roles: alienated, bully, manager, martyr. Similarities among all 4 roles (low self esteem, mirror addict's behavior patterns, role playing extends beyond interaction with addict, none of roles work, all prevent completing grieving process), trapped in the grieving process, denial, anger, sex as weapon, bargaining, depression.

Ch. 9: New Victims, New Players: The Children of Sex Addicts. Don't talk, hiding it from the kids: deceit as protection, what kids know & how they find out, keeping up the facade, don't feel, keeping emotions inside, lost emotions lead to lost identities (hero, scapegoat, lost child, mascot), don't trust, isolation: carrying distrust outside the home, don't be sexual, incest: the worst possible sex education, the next generation.

SECTION 3: RECOVERING FROM SEX ADDICTION (pgs. 207-311)

Ch. 10: The First Step: Reaching Out For Help. Hitting bottom, help is available, help comes in many forms, change takes time & effort, self help groups for sex addicts & their families, other self help groups, professional group therapy, individual therapy, couples & family therapy, workshops conferences & bibliotherapy, community or church involvement, taking care of the body, choosing the recovery program that's right for you, choosing the right therapist, choosing the right group.

Ch. 11: The 12 Steps: A New Way of Living for Both Sex Addicts & Codependents. 12 Steps of AA, Adaptation of 12 Steps to sex addiction & codependency, applying 12 steps to your life (section on each of the 12).

Ch. 12: For the Sex Addict: Tips for Staying on the Road to Recovery. Improving self talk, identify & affirm your positive qualities, an all purpose affirmation, when you do something to help yourself you feel better about yourself, don't make promises you can't keep, don't expect too much too soon, listen to your gut feelings, accept that other people are imperfect too, a little compassion goes a long long way, define your own place in the world, life isn't a prizefight, adopt a more forgiving attitude, a few words about trusting others, coping with stress, grief, recognize the stress in your own life, reduce day to day pressures, reduce the pressure you put on yourself, learn new relationship skills, learn stress management skills, talk about the stress & tension, overcoming your dependence on sexual highs, be careful not to replace one compulsion with another, develop healthy dependencies, learn about human sexuality & sexual behavior, develop more patience, enhance communication & social skills, what to do & not to do: a difficult question, the issue of monogamy, slips backslides & binges: tips for handling relapses, do not regard 1 mistake as a complete & utter failure, just because you can expect slips do not give yourself permission to slip, do not make recovery your new obsession, reach out for help immediately, recognize that recovery gets easier to keep the longer you have it.

Ch. 13: For the Codependent: Finding a Balance. Do it for you, "but I can't just sit back & watch him destroy himself," staying together or splitting up: an emotionally charged question, finally dealing with your grief, you have a right to feel angry, learn to express anger constructively, first you let it out then you move beyond it, recognize that you will feel angry again & again, bargaining, establish some nonnegotiable ground rules for your relationship, a new attitude: assertiveness, depression, acceptance, accept the fact that codependency - like sex addiction - is a progressive disease, accept yourself, accepting your partner, detachment, you are not responsible for the sex addict, you are responsible for yourself, you deserve the new life that recovery offers you, set realistic goals for your own recovery.

Ch. 14: Facing Hard Choices: Recovery & Your Family. Recovery alone cannot save a relationship, but what if you don't believe in divorce?, thinking through a difficult choice, helping your children recover, the lessons of addiction & codependency: what you taught your children in the past, lessons of recovery: what you can teach your children now, reestablishing boundaries: recognizing that your children have their own needs, no more pretending: living by a new set of rules, talk, feel, trust, sex education.

As a psychotherapist and author of the book, THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL: THE ENABLING MOTHER, INCEST AND SEXUAL ASSAULT, I found so many of my questions about the non-perpetrating family members of incest survivors answered in this book. I am glad it was written because it is so thorough and comprehensive. I will recommend it to many colleagues and clients.
Audrey Ricker, CRC, LPC

i read the book cover to cover. i suggest you find out for sure from a professional whether or not someone or yourself actually has a sexual addiction. if for sure, it is informative and easy to read.