Customer Reviews

The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century

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There is no question that Americans are growing increasingly disconnected from each other. Bruce Putnam's classic "Bowling Alone" established statistically that Americans are no longer as community oriented and social as there parents and grandparents were.

As Spring erupts in my community, a pleasant urban setting, you can walk down the streets and rarely see children playing outside. The most frequently observed people on the streets are young mothers and their children or people walking their dogs. In recent municipal elections, roughly 7% of the registered voters bothered to cast a ballot.

Many people complain of feeling lonely. Studies, such as those cited by the authors, indicate that more and more people have fewer and fewer people in whom they confide, people they think of as friends.

It is argued by some that certain political movements desire this kind of social isolation. The authors don't make that argument and in this review, I won't either.

First, the authors are readable. They write well and clearly intend their work for a general audience. Kudos to them for this.

Second, unlike Putnam's work, the various studies they cite are not the heart of the book, but rather are offered as supporting material. They rely heavily on anecdotes from their respective practices. (Both are MDs.)

The result is a well done summary of the problem, its probable causes, it real and projected effects and a chapter that touches upon what may be done to slow the process.

It is, on the whole, a personal book - and in many ways the better for it.

Reading this book left me longing for people to discuss it with - perhaps proof of the pudding. This is not a likely title to show up on a book club reading list.

Overall, this is a well done look at the increasing (and, in my opinion, the increasingly dangerous) loneliness in America. It is not a cure-all and isn't intended to be. It is indeed a worthwhile read for anyone concerned with the future well being of our American society.

Jerry

This is an extremely interesting, lucid, useful and timely book, dealing with the tensionin American life between the need to belong and the need for independence. Often the latter is driven by the pressure to seek refuge from lives that are too busy. Once on that path, however, people often discover that they have achieved far more solitude than is good for them. The authors document a very strong case for the profound, risks to mental and physical health that accompany excessive separation. The book is timely in that deep anxiety created by our deepening recession may cause many to become even more isolated and withdrawn.

My husband and I both strongly recommend this book, and we found the section on the neurobiology of attachment fascinating.

In the fascinating way that some of the best writers--Michael Pollan comes to mind--combine science with specifics to illuminate their prose, Drs. Olds and Schwartz have written a book rich with studies and science, then relate that, using real human dramas, to so many of the specific dilemmas everyday people face. In a world where people increasingly seem to be retreating behind electronics, The Lonely American highlights the risks of such behavior and the patterns people get into that make it so hard to reconnect. This is a book to share and to think about. It reminds us of how our children can suffer from not being part of a group, and how our parents can suffer from the loneliness of widowhood, and the loss of friends that comes with aging. This is the kind of book you want to buy multiple copies of, so you'll have one on hand for a friend who needs to read it. This is also a book that will make you want to put it down, pick up the phone, and reconnect yourself.

The Lonely American is a well-written, engaging book that is relevant to all of our lives. The authors bring together research in psychology and sociology with stories from their own clinical experience to create a compelling picture of how people in the United States are (often unintentionally) isolating themselves. They frame loneliness, not as an individual problem, but as a societal problem, and seek to rid loneliness of the stigma it often carries in this society. Finally they offer suggestions about how to reconnect with the people around us. I have recommended this book to friends (whether they are lonely or not) and they all agree with the arguments put forth in this book and are inspired to make changes in their lives based on the suggestions provided by the authors. I would highly recommend this book to anyone.

I like this book. If you adhere to Aristotle's notion that the unexamined life is not worth living, you will find this a treasure trove. I like a book that is rich in salient observations and thoughtful ideas about life. If you like a book that stimulates you to stop and think and ponder what you have just read along the way. The Lonely American is one of those.

Example: socializing. "We treat socializing as if it is a frivolous diversion from the tasks at hand rather than an activity that is essential to our well-being as individuals and as a community." Think about this within the context of dual-income America and Daniel Bell's three axial thrusts, in particular the efficiency thrust which drives modern capitalism. America and Japan have perhaps the two busiest, hardest working citizenry in the world. And the latter, for at least a decade or more, admit in public that they lack a sense of joy in life--a rather extraordinary phenomenon in Japanese culture and equally odd that these feelings are only narrowly admitted in our more permissive American culture.

Another example, feeling left out. "The experience is part of human biology that no one fully outgrows; at best, one just gains a certain degree of mastery over it." One wants two respond on at leat two levels--a sense of relief to have the permission to feel this is a normal condition in life, and to take stock of the condition of one's inventory of social skills.

There is another way to put The Lonely American in context, not simply as well-researched, non-fiction in the epoch of psychoanalytical thought, but also to view it within one of the major themes of American literature in the period of pre-psychoanalytical thought--namely the theme of what sort of community shall we create for ourselves in this new country that we are making. The Scarlet Letter is particularly germane when it is seen as a description of a community that denies the fallibility of the human condition and compels a culture of hypocrisy which leads to isolation and loneliness for persecutors and victims alike.

The confluence of so many perspectives, many others provided by the authors, provides a strong sense of validity and the undeniable ring of truth to this excellent book. Kudos and thank you.

I thought this book was both interesting and well written. My parents and brother have all read it, and, to quote my brother, "It really resonates." I liked it and told him to read it, and now it's helping him understand a friend who had recently moved to a city where he didn't know anyone. Same for my parents; they read it and now it's helping them deal with a depressed grandparent. Totally worth the time.

The Lonely American is one of those books that has very interesting ideas but is poorly written. The writing is dull, wandering, and semi-impersonal. As I read, I kept waiting for epiphanies that never arrived. At the same time, the authors discuss compelling ideas, such as the vicious cycle many Americans are part of: they are so busy that they withdraw from relationships with friends and family, then they feel left out, which causes them to withdraw further rather than try to reconnect. And since so many Americans are involved in this vicious cycle, it validates my feeling that we have disconnected from each other. I really agree with this concept. Too bad the authors did not spend more time discussing how Americans can reconnect with each other in modern times.