Drawing on decades of research, Thomas Joiner weaves a neglected story about how the manly pursuit of status, power, wealth, and autonomy leads to great rewards in work and play but at the expense of loving, caring friendships.
Using rigorous scientific techniques, we know that what we strive for matters for well-being. Striving for wealth and power is less likely to bring about happiness and meaning in life than working hard to care for other people and developing intimate bonds. But if there is one thing we know its that whatever society rewards is what you will see more of. Have you seen Forbes list of the 500 foremost people who provide love, friendship, support, and laughter in the world? Nope. Have you received any feedback on your ability to make and maintain friends in high school, college, or in the workplace? Probably not. Have your friends and colleagues given you a surprise party to celebrate your amazing ability to ask questions and take an interest in what they are passionate about? your willingness to sacrifice countless late nights consoling them? Unlikely. But if you landed a work promotion, published a book, or appeared in a movie, champagne bottles tend to appear alongside lavish praise.
In this book, Joiner does not suggest that we choose between success and friendship. He suggests that balance take the place of overly simplified solutions. Conscious attention needs to be given to friendships. Without regular nourishment, relationships wither and die like any other living, breathing organism. And when important relationships falter, and they will, we need to replenish them.
Unlike many researchers turned authors, Joiner doesn't let the storyline get weighed down with intricate details of study after study. Instead, he synthesizes what is known and provides insights into how people can manage loneliness and improve their social connections. We are not talking about psychological disorders or mental illness. We are talking about the difficulties of being human. We are talking about issues that men rarely acknowledge, talk about, or address.
Having worked with many people in the business world, I know many men and women who fit the template of prioritizing success at the expense of significant, meaningful relationships. Here's hoping this book gets into people's hands. The science is strong, the writing flows smoothly, and the final section on interventions makes sense and can be readily implemented right away.
cheers,
Todd
