Customer Reviews

A Long Way to Go for A Date

5 star:		(17)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(9)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(17)

 

 

Author Makow takes the reader on a thoughtful ride through the trials and tribulations of marrying a Filipina 30 years his junior. The author is well informed, educated, and makes some exceptionally valid comments about the sterile and unloving "partnerships" involved in Western unions and how this is not the norm in the rest of the world. Some of his commentary about the immasculating nature of feminism in the West and his desire for unconditional love by which he justifies seeking a young 3rd world bride caused me to get out my highlighter. His take on the many faults of modern Western women are stirring to any man who has TRULY travelled in Asia. Unfortunately, he does not follow through with his own rhetoric.

The story comes unwound by the second half of the book. Makow, after convincing the reader of the legitimacy of his mission, comes off as particularly unlikable as he continuously bullies and manipulates his 18 year old fiancee/wife in petty arguments. He is chauvinistic to a fault. When she herself proves to be just as selfish and immature, one can hardly blame her. After all, she has the excuse of being a teenager. For all his advantage of wealth, age, and education, Makow is eventually subdued and humiliated by his child-bride.

This is unfortunate. It is a simple fact that thousands of Western men like myself have found true fulfillment in romance and marriage with Asian women through experiencing the beauty and synchronicity of cross-cultural romance. The author foolishly marries an immature teenager yet seems genuinely upset with her when she begins acting like one. Makow's book, though at times insightful, reveals him to be a poor specimen of Western male and a poor spokesperson for those of us who have found real love and fulfillment in a foreign land.

I received this wacky little book free of charge from the author, trading my copy of Roland Huntford's _The New Totalitarians_ to the author. Before proceeding with this review, take this to heart: don't be so free to donate books to someone based on a couple of Web columns they've written. (I'm not above criticizing Israel either, but I sure wish I'd known that Makow believes that the _Protocols of the Elders of Zion_ are authentic before sending him my treasured book on Swedish socialism!)

I've read through this book a couple of times and I still don't quite know what to make of it. In one sentence, it can be described as a travelogue revolving around Makow's quest to find a mail-order bride with some glib pronouncements on feminism and the decline of the family thrown in for good measure. On the plus side, its honesty is refreshing. Quite simply, Makow acknowledges that he is a "fat and unattractive 47-year old" (one of the few points beyond contention in the book) and that he is attracted to young women. He also admits to not having anything resembling a "real" relationship until around the age of 32. (Given this, it's not terribly surprising that he would consider an eighteen (!) year old potential marriage material.) One of his main reasons for attempting to locate a mail-order bride is given as:

"I am attracted to women under 35 who think I am too old. Sexual attraction is an important element in a male-female relationship. Nature, for obvious reasons, has bestowed this appeal on women of childbearing age. I get older but the women I find attractive don't." (p. 6). He also states that he doesn't need women for intellectual stimulation. "I read books for that." No one will doubt that a large proportion of American males think this way, so to hear someone actually articulate it shouldn't be at all shocking.

Now, the problem is that the book doesn't stop at being a soul-bearing confessional where the author undergoes a learning experience. All throughout the book, Makow has to inject his philosophy (which essentially boils down to the fact that feminism is the world's foremost evil) into his experiences, never admitting that perhaps things just aren't going the way he wants them to - instead, his experiences are a microcosm for what's ailing Western Civilization. The sort of circular logic that Makow employs throughout the book in order to justify his actions made my head spin. For example, he freely admits that his primary interest in young women is sexual. However, when Cecilia (his bride-to-be) starts wanting to have TOO much sex (for him) states that "I am beginning to feel like an appliance" (p. 91). He then reproaches her: "It's not feminine to demand sex. Don't ever do it again. You can indicate an interest but when I say no, stop." Gosh Henry, women have been faking O's and feigning headaches for quite some time; you give a lecture on _sex roles_.

This sort of thing permeates the book. However annoying, immature, and/or nauseating all of this might be, all this illustrated to me was that relationships founded on the "dominance" of one party inherently imply a master/slave relationship; the subconscious realization of this power dynamic is probably what caused Cecilia to rebel later in the book. You almost think he learns something in the end: "..I still believe that honest, loving, faithful, traditional women abound in Asia, but I was too love starved and immature to patiently find the right one." (p. 118). However, just a couple of paragraphs later we're treated to this paragraph: "The essence of masculinity is power. Any time a man gives his power to a woman, he is writing his epitaph and that of the relationship. Women do not respect men who pander to them." (p. 119) Hey, I'm no fan of Catherine MacKinnon myself, but I think it's safe to say that NO ONE respects anyone who is too obsequious to them!

This book does raise some important points. I don't doubt that men and women are fundamentally different. However, Makow blows the chance to make this relevant; it's pretty silly to equate all of "feminism" as analogous to the S.C.U.M. Manifesto; most women think it's garbage as well. True love for another person transcends all power dynamics. Makow just seems to think that the problem is that the power dynamic just needs to be shifted back to its original place; I'd argue that it needs to be removed completely.

Henry brings good details which lures its readers into this mixed up relationship that started off on the wrong foot. He makes the mistake of bringing his American customs with him to the Philippines and acts like a spoiled brat expecting Filipino traditions to bend backwards for him. Much of the time he "insists" on having things done his way in a country where his way is considerd disrespectful. He should have been way more sensitive to that. This is a story of one immature Filipina not even close to being ready for marriage and the other, a narrow minded unstable middle aged man who thinks he can bestow his desires and fantasies into a vessel who is also very deceptive in her ways. She knows exactly what she is, but plays it off to a man she knows is blinded to her beauty. Both of them used each other for their own agenda, thus ending in tragedy.

Sadly, what this book describes happens all too often. Reading it should give you an insight into some of the sorts of people who end up out here in Asia (as well as South America and Eastern Europe - any place where poverty is pervasive and opportunities few). Over the years, I have seen many people go through similar experiences. It's not unique. Whether you agree with the protagonist, or sympathize with his feelings or experiences is immaterial to what you can get out of the book, however.

This book could equally be about American foreign aid to any poor country; where domestic American political interests dictate what "aid" is given, like wheat to people who usually eat rice, and books on sexual abstinence to people without condoms. The contrasts drawn between needs and expectations is, from my perspective, what makes this book worth reading. Personally, I don't like people like the author, who expect to be able to exploit others due to their economic disadvantage. But to the extent that some such marriages do indeed work, and in many cases even if they do not, some economic advantage has been passed to the woman or her family, then they are beneficial. Frankly, the exploitation of such woman exists in greater degree in their domestic environment. Such exploitation is not a foreign invention or import, and the home grown variety is often crueler and is far more pervasive.

The comments about the author being "predatory" I find rather misplaced. People sitting comfortably in their mortgaged homes in America may feel that an 18 year old is somehow too young, but they should consider the pregnancy and marriage rates among women of such age in a given society before making the judgment. 18 is a totally arbitrary age, which has been adopted in the West, and has been sought to be forced on other cultures. Some cultures require a higher age, others a younger. Some rural villages in the Philippines have an average marriage rate of 19, which means that fully half the marriages are of women under the age of 19. When school often stops at age 12 or 14, they will have been working for some time already.

Perhaps he should have read "A Woman of Bangkok" before he set out in search of his bride. Certainly, he repeated the mistakes of thousands, perhaps tens of thousands before him.

This book took me all day to read. As I turned each page I became more and more disgusted with his constant feeding of his sex drive and his lack of consideration for her family traditions. He got her into bed before marriage after promising not to, disregarded her parents rules of not laying together in their house, ditched the chaperon which is also a no-no and that is just to name a few. He seemed only concered with himself and what he wanted. She was always made to apologize after their arguments regardless or whether or not she was at fault. Sure she was spoiled, but maybe she learned it from watching him. I am glad she went crazy in the end. He deserved it. What a horrible book about a man fulfilling his wet dream.

I recently returned from The Phillipines and thought this book would be an interesting read, which it was. However, what I found most interesting was the author's desperation and stupidity. After just a few days, he decides to get married to an 18 year old? Come on, he is 40 something years old, you mean to tell he did not have enough experience with women to see the signs of her immaturiy. Apparently not as he so eloquently describes in this book.

This is more a story of his failings than what to expect if you interested in marrying a Phillipina. With that said, I do recommend reading this book if you have ever had dealings with Asian women, I read this in one day and found it sad but humorous.

I currently live in the Pacific and, much to my surprise, fell in love with Asian women, specifically Thai. However, Makow's book still attracted my interest, as it seemed to deal with the nightmare a lot of foreign men live through marrying an Asian woman (primarily the Philipines). Something that struck me in the narrative was how much self convincing this man had to do in order to believe that Cecila loved him. A woman is a woman is a woman. There has to be dialogue, communication on more levels than just sex, which is what Mr. Makow forgets...and who can blame him, his comments on the sad state of hetero relationships in Western civilization is completely true. But, you still need to know who you're getting involved with. Makow also seems to take out his repressed feelings on an 18 yr old who's really only trying to make her life better (no matter who she works over). I found myself rolling my eyes at his frequent FATHERLY reprimands. It was a bit sick at times, as the two sides of the relationships(fighting/sex)appeared incestuous for that very reason. The book is a reminder to all of us Pacific Warriors out here, it can be great, but it can go so terribly wrong as well. There is a cultural boundary that needs to be understood, before you can pursue a marriage. Makow, in his desparate state, chose the first one to grace his lap. Don't make the same mistake! Relationships will always take two, whether its traditional or a yuppie/new age financial partnership. The book is a quick entertaining read, and will give men coming to this theater a good starting point, and hopefully save them the trouble of making the same mistake.

I agree with all the comments above. I recommend Thailand...the Buddhist culture there is less likely to cause the problems he experienced with his Pinay wife.

I will also say that the biggest problem men experience with Mail-Order brides is that they bring them back to the US. In their own countries, they have a strong sense of culture and don't want to "lose face" in their communities. Marrying an older/wealthier guy is not a problem there, as many women marry for financial security in Asia. After all, things are much "closer to the edge" in Asia. A poor husband in Asia and you could literally starve to death. I live here...I know.

However, take that woman out of Asia and she arrives in the US/UK/wherever and suddenly she realizes she can do much better. She doesn't have her family watching over her, and there is no loss of face involved. Wait 3 years, get your Green Card, and then file for divorce. It's really that easy. In these countries, she'll be getting hit on by men her own age, and she can have everything she has with you but with a much younger/more attractive man. She'd be crazy not to dump your old butt!

So, those who would read this book for the purpose of finding a Mail Order Bride, consider it from their standpoint. Imagine if you were married to an old lady (30 years your senior). If you had been destitutely poor and she gave you a good life, you might be happy in that relationship. However, if she then took you to a place where younger, more beautiful women with the same level of success were competing for your favors, would you stay with her? If you could have everything she gave you (in a much younger package) would you stay? No.

So, if you want to marry a beautiful young girl, do so, but stay in their home country. There, she will be thankful to have you every day, and will make all your fantasies and dreams come true. Take her to your home country at your own risk. It does sometimes work, but not often from what I've seen.

I loved this book because it gripped at my emotions. I hated Makow and I liked Makow. I didn't like his attitude toward women and I know that he is not the kind of man the ladies from the Philippines are looking for. I am engaged to a lady from the philippines and we are doing great. She says that Makow is not the man the ladies want. He is too demanding and selfcentered. Isn't that what he didn't like about the American women? Hmmm. Well, I do recommend the book for it's story.

Granted the author has poor coping skills. And blaming feminism on the failure of marriage is a crappy solution. Likewise, if you go to any country you should understand the culture rather than arrogantly expecting your own values to hold up fully. Let's say feminism is 90% right, there is still 10% that needs to account for a rare few selfish women out there who put career over family. But if you decide that indeed you were the victim of a divorce, or perhaps like me you actually are more attracted to foreign women, than you owe it to yourself and to her to understand the customs of the land Filipino women are strongly brought up under either Catholic, Muslim, or Buddhist influences and if you ignore stuff like religion or culture be ready for a rocky marriage, as in this case it isn't feminism it is your own immaturity to blame.

There are some personality traits that can be desirable that are found in other countries more than our own, for instance if you are looking for a person who values a large family, you might not find it in your own area. But if you are mainly looking because you think this woman is more likely to be submissive or something like that, you should bugger off for the good of all women. Asian women are not so much submissive as non-confrontational which is a whole different story. She might disobey quietly, but in a way that eventually causes your downfall, so you need to know what you are getting into, and be willing to accept it. If you can, go ahead. Don't let 10 cent moralism dictate your life. But if you can't accept this, you have no business involving yourself in this.