Customer Reviews

Longing to Tell: Black Women Talk About Sexuality and Intimacy

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
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1 star:		(0)

 

 

As an African-American woman who feels deeply compelled to reach out to other African-American women, to learn about them and about myself, I am often very frustrated at the level of discourse that is routinely passed off in the media - yes, both mainstream and African-American media - as being truly representative of all black women. So many of the superficial, cardboard archetypes that are presented - the baby mama, the loveless career woman who is waiting for a black man to make her whole so that she can "exhale," the gangbanger, the avaricious rump-shaking rap video seductress, the funny fat girl with loads of finger-popping attitude, the longsuffering nurturer, the white girl's selfless best friend/spiritual-soulfulness guru - seem unable or unwilling to get to the heart of who we really ARE, what we are really thinking and feeling about ourselves, our lives, our bodies. Thank God for this collection! These honest, thoughtful, first-person accounts read like transcripts of deep conversations, spiritual exchanges of intimate confidences between these remarkable women and me as spread out over a life-long friendship. We are so often isolated, silenced, shamed into keeping quiet about our pain and frustration, so that we won't air our "dirty laundry" in public and embarrass our race, that we've almost convinced ourselves that our only problems in life are external ones caused by "The Man" - admitting to deep problems within our own homes, our own culture, our own relationships is condemned as disloyal sacrilege. Hearing these women's voices speaking their truths out loud helps me as I continue to identify my own voice and gives me courage to speak out, too. Seeing their continued hopefulness despite all that they've had to face gives me strength. And it lets me know that I am not alone. I bought this book the day that it was released and finished it in one sitting. And I am encouraging all of my friends (and all of you, too!), regardless of race or gender, to read it as well. It is truly funny, sad, inspirational and thought-provoking. It speaks to the black condition, the female condition but, most of all, the human condition, in all of its complexity.

Take a literary journey with Tricia Rose, author of LONGING TO TELL,
and read some revealing, heartbreaking, and inspiring narratives from
a host of women of color who talk about sexuality, race, and their
coming of age as a woman.

Tricia Rose begins by sharing with readers the purpose and reason for
this unusual project which opened up doors to allow these unknown and
unspoken women of color to tell their stories. The women outlined in
the book is of various ages, economic, and educational backgrounds. The extensive research and countless interviews propel this author's thought-provoking narratives from women breaking through a sexuality barrier that has always been unspoken of through generations of people of color.

LONGING TO TELL rises to the occasion, orchestrating a context that speaks from the voices of women on their sexual relationships, and intimate clichés that thrust many into a naive state of ignorance and misinterpreting the art of intimacy.

The women's names were changed along with other details to protect
their identity due to some very graphic details in which they
outlined their exposure to sexuality. It was a hard lesson for many
and a rude awakening for others. They speak on growing up in
dysfunctional surroundings, exposure to drugs, and going from one
relationship to another. Several grew up with the pretense that if
you had sex it meant love.

They explain how their families and children had to endure their

unorthodox and self-destructive behaviors that sometimes lead to
tragic consequences. One woman speaks of how her young son was
beaten to death by her boyfriend, and never realized the warning signs
because she stayed in a haze of drugs. They speak candidly about their first sexual encounters with men and women. They speak on where they were and where they are today. They explain their process of healing along the path to finally taking control of their lives.

All the women's narratives speak volumes on the depth and courage that made them survivors. In the end, the author sums up very eloquently the overall dynamics of the sexual ramifications that women of color encounter today.

LONGING TO TELL by Tricia Rose is a well written book. Tears came to my eyes several times reading some of the stories, and I wanted to jump into the book and hug and congratulate each woman on revealing their personal journey. I applaud Ms. Rose for her insight and courage to develop, research, and talk with so many women who are sisters, mothers, aunts, wives, and friends offering them an outlet in which to speak. A must read for everyone because knowledge is the key to understanding and awareness. (...)

Longing to Tell consists of 20 Black women telling their stories about sex
and intimacy. The women range from 19 to 48 and all have powerful stories
to tell about their experiences.

All women discussed what it meant to be intimate or have intimacy with a
person. Intimacy was broadly defined and included more than just a sexual
relationship and included relationships with family and friends. Most
women defined intimacy in similar terms: a reciprocal relationship with
someone where you can let down your guard and express yourself without out
fear of being judged or criticized.

Other themes that arose in the course of the book were Black women's
relationships with Black men. Some of the women had horrific experiences
attempting to love and sustain a relationship with Black men, and while
some woman had sworn off of Black men and were dating outside the race or
were lesbians, most women were committed to finding love with a Black man.

The negative stereotypes of Black women in the media and particularly those
perpetuated by Black artists were discussed. Sexism within the Black
community was also explored including the stress experienced by Black women
of having to navigate racism and sexism on the outside and then having to
come home to a situation where a woman's contribution and independence are
not valued and where a woman was sometimes viewed as little more than
property.

The most disturbing subject in the book was sexual violence against women.
Many (if not most) of the women interviewed told stories of incest,
molestation, rape, sexual harassment or sexual degradation. The book
forcefully brought home the point of how vulnerable Black girls and women
are to sexual abuse and also helped me see that sexual abuse against Black
women unfortunately really is not all that surprising when one considers
that Black women have been and continue to be the objects of sexual
degradation in the media and little more than property in relationships.
Until Black women are valued for the contributions they bring to the
society as whole and to relationships in particular, it will continue to be
"OK" to continue the sexual violence against our girls and women.

Despite all the negativity directed at Black women, the book highlighted
the fact that Black women are an exceptional group who live in a world
where racism and sexism (within and without the Black community) affect our
daily lives. Nonetheless, we are the keepers of the family and the
maintainers of our men. The abuse we are subject to is unparalleled, but
we still strive. The book captured this uniqueness of Black women and a
way that I have never seen expressed before.

I would highly recommend this book to all Black women as it represents a
celebration of all that we are. Additionally, in reading this book I was
also struck by how much Black men could benefit from the stories, and I
also highly and enthusiastically recommend this book to Black men.

5 stars
(...)

I am currently a student at UCSC and took one course with Dr. Tricia Rose and could not get enough of it! She is awesome, funny, no nonsense, savvy, and above all, a REMARKABLE woman! I recommend this book to anyone who wishes to continue learning about African American culture and to gain insight on what many powerful black women go through in everyday life. Hopefully you all can meet Tricia Rose and be just as enthused by her as I am

ROCK ON PROFESSOR ROSE!

Why 'ordinary black women'? Because Tricia Rose has brought us the *everyday* lives of African-American women navigating life in the contemporary US. The women here are ordinary insofar as they face the same struggles with the forces arrayed against all black women in this culture: white supremacy, patriarchy, homophobia, and classism. But she never makes heroines or superwomen of the these women and that is why the book is so powerful. The stereotype of the black superwoman who can do it all is absent here. It's often painful reading, but it also reveals the possibility of identification with the experiences found here. 'Longing To Tell' is poignant, sad and, at the same time, joyous and determined. The book often seems like a story told by a close friend and that is another reason why this book is so important. Black women's experiences around sexuality and intimacy are always rendered as fiction, myth, tabloid 'news' feature, or pathology *without* the voices of black women. Rose's book writes against that long, ugly tradition and lends dignity to black women's relation to sexuality and intimacy with no moral judgement rendered. In short, mandatory. If I could afford to, I'd buy this book for all of my friends.

Tricia Rose turns academic research into a literary masterpiece. She interviewed 20 African American females with various ethnic backgrounds, broad range of age, and socioeconomic upbringing. Rose organized the real life commentaries on sex, intimacy, relationships, and race into a narrative that will carry you through a broad range of emotions. The women speak truth to situations that happen in every day life but are considered taboo in the African American community. 

Rose starts the book with a discussion about the negative stereotypes in regards to sex and intimacy that are portrayed about the African American female in the media. The purpose of the book was developed as an attempt to answer the question, "how has the history of race, class, and gender inequality in this country affected the way that black women talk about their sexual lives?" Rose answered this question and much more. Longing to Tell is a mirror image of African American female sexuality in contemporary society as well as an oral history that serves as a vibrant presentation for everyday readers and scholars alike. 

The stories are captured and categorized into three different areas: Through the Fire; Guarded Heart; and Always Something Left to Love. The women, whose names and locations have been changed to protect their anonymity, openly discuss their sexual history; how they learned about sex, masturbation, orgasms, and experience of first menstruation, virginity, pregnancy, and motherhood; sexual abuse, rape, sexism, sexual fantasy and sexual orientation. Some of the tales in the book are horrendous such as incest, rape, domestic abuse and sexual harassment but while knocked down these women were not knocked out. Many tell about the love from friends, family and at times even the smiles of strangers brought them back from the depths of despair. The stories are all different and engaging as their experiences were dynamic while thought provoking. Does your definition of sexuality characterize how you live life? 

Longing To Tell is an extraordinary account on how African American women survive despite the incredible odds against them. As an adjunct professor of African American Studies, I highly recommend this book as a study into the mind of black women. As an avid reader, I strongly encourage you to read this book as a motivational guide on finding your way out of the struggle. African American women are the cornerstones of modern society and this book proves that!

Reviewed by M. Bruner for Loose Leaves Book Review

This book stumbled upon me, due to my desire to read more books by African-American female writers. Once I saw the subject matter, and saw it was in the voices of everyday sisters, my interest rose even more. The best way for me to sum up this book is courage. Simply courage to be able to tell a variety of stories, from a variety of African-American women, from all walks of life. They shared their experiences, struggles, highs, lows, insecurities, dreams, and many more. For me, being a Black man, it provided me an opportunity to view my sisters in an even more focused light, and to pay attention to what they have to say, and cherish it fully. This is a should-read, a must-read, a have-to-read.

I was interested in reading this book because I am a latino male who's been involved with African American women since I can remember. I watned to read this book to inform mysself about how it was like to be an African American woman in America. I've discovered that they are very strong and have gone through alot in their lives from the stories of the many women in this book. I had read this book about a two or three years ago and it was very informative, but I know that there is still much to learn.

When I say "Hard", I mean this book is so strong! This book took me a while to read because I had to take breaks in between each woman's story...I could identify with more than one woman's story (I'm sure a lot of people will be able to) and that's what makes this book worth every page...I recommend it to anyone who feels as though the struggles they deal with are only theirs...

I just can't say enough about how mind-opening and helpful this book is. I have always had very mixed feelings about my own sexual path and there has been no other book where my story seemed to fit in. I was really able to let go of alot of judgement around my own experience and place it in a "warm cirlce' of context that I could relate to. Thank you so much Tricia Rose for giving me comfort.