Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self : The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life [Hardcover]

Victoria Secunda (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 1, 2000

In a book that is destined to strike a chord with baby boomers everywhere, journalist Victoria Secunda illustrates how losing a parent has a profound effect on the lives of adults. Drawing from her original study of more than 100 adults as well as her own experiences, Secunda addresses a myriad of issues, such as: How does this event transform relationships with ones siblings, spouse, friends, children, or own identity? Most importantly, Secunda explores how losing a parent dramatically reshapes ones sense of self, causing a re-evaluation of ones life and choices in ways that were not possible before.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

While most writers on parental death focus on mourning, Secunda (When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends) points out that this crucial event fosters major reassessment of one's attitude toward siblings, marriage, children and career. Having surveyed 94 people who have lost parents as adults, and interviewed several of them, as well as experts, she reports that each of the four possible familial pairings (father-son, etc.) has its own pattern, and that the loss of both parents has strong ripple effects. Notably, sibling relationships become primary, although affinities can fluctuate depending on birth order, age and previous closeness. Parental loss leaves many emotionally unmoored; in response, some feel a strong urge to marry, while others solidify or abort marriages, or confront their solitude. More than half of Secunda's respondents found that their relationship with their children changed, mostly for the better, while childless adults often paid new attention to nieces and nephews or became mentors. A significant minority reappraised their careers after their parents' death, leading to redirection, rejuvenation and, in some cases, confusion. More than half of the respondents reported intensified friendships, while some winnowed away those who didn't "add meaning to their lives." Ultimately, Secunda concludes, there is gain in loss. Those who made the most progress as "adult orphans" recognized that "whatever they did or didn't get from their parents now was moot." While hardly definitive, Secunda's survey is a stimulating look at a timely issue. 8-city author tour. (Mar.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

As the baby-boom generation moves into middle age, their own aging parents are dying in record numbers. What does it mean to become an "adult orphan"? Strangely, this momentous event in adulthood has been given scant attention in the popular psychological literature except in terms of bereavement. Yet, argues author Secunda (When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends), coping with parental death is not a question of grief but of identity: "In one respect, adult children who outlive their parents are all the same: they relinquish the single role they have played longer than any other--that of being a son or daughter to a living mother or father." Drawing on her survey of 94 people, Secunda explores how adult orphans gradually give up their old childish identity and discover their true adult selves in terms of their relationships with siblings, children, and friends. Although a bit repetitious--Alexander Levy's The Orphaned Adult (LJ 9/15/99) covered the same territory more concisely and more elegantly--Secunda's book will be in demand. [See interview with the author on p.180--Ed.]--Wilda Williams, "Library Journal.
---Wilda Williams, "Library Journal"
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 368 pages
• Publisher: Hyperion (March 1, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0786863129
• ISBN-13: 978-0786863129
• Product Dimensions: 9.6 x 6.4 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (17 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,226,315 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

37 of 40 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Victoria Secunda hits another perfect note!, March 1, 2000

By 

Ruth Ann (Chicago) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self : The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life (Hardcover)

Victoria Secunda has done it again! Her books have always hit the just right chord with me, but this one was truly exceptional. In the most magnificent way, she has taken a crucial aspect of our lives, re-examined it, and given it back to us in palatable portions. All in such a loving manner as to feel as though we were, (as my mother would have said), wrapped in satin.

Not only is this book beautifully written, it is required reading for any adult, whether or not their parents are still alive. Victoria appears to have a unique talent for reaching people (touching their souls) and getting them to reveal their most private selves. Reading the book makes you want to call you sister, brother, or best friend and tell them how you feel.

Some books are to be read, page by page, in sequential order. This book doesn't require that of you. Like any good book that has a lesson to give, it is a trusted friend. You can open it up to any page and it will lead you to a new perspective, a new view to think about.

As an adult and with both parents gone, it is a great comfort to read a book that is not preachy or judgmental.It's not about the death of our parent(s),it's about our growth(we hope) after their death. While on an intellectual level I know that I am not alone , it is incredibly empowering to see that in print. To learn that there are so many others who have been there before me and have come through the other side has given me a renewed and redirected sense of hope for greater growth. It is a profound feeling.

It is never too late to revisit those growing pains and learn from them. Bravo, Victoria Secunda. You are my hero!

13 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL BOOK PUTS MY FEARS TO REST, March 11, 2000

By 

Alicia (Seattle, Washington) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self : The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life (Hardcover)

I lost my father when I was 23, but as my mother approaches her 80s I realize that I'll be dealing with totally different issues when this painful time comes 'round again. Before I read Victoria Secunda's eloquent and enormously hopeful book, I could only paint dark and sad scenarios. Now, after reading her insightful account of this truly "defining turning point of adult life," I am opening myself to the possibility of better relationships with my sisters, a deeper and more satisfying relationship with my spouse and children, and a truer me. The grief will be there, but so may there be a greater me. I am grateful beyond words to this superbly talented author whose book is truly a gift.

13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Intelligent and Compassionate look at death and our parents, April 23, 2000

By 

SRM (Dallas,Texas) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self : The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life (Hardcover)

"Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself" is a journey that affirms a rite of passage. It deals with the aftermath of losing our parents and our expectations as adults dealing with a life event that is not only significant but life changing. Secunda fearlessly dissects the point of no return when our innocence is snatched away for good. We become not only the legacy of the past but the trailblazers of the present and future.

Secunda brilliantly addresses the issue of losing our parents with compassion and unparalleled insight. Much of what has been written deals with the emotions of grief and loss, but Secunda does much more for us. She has given us a road map that both enlightens and assists in the integration and healing of our hearts and souls to become fully human adults.

Secunda resists limiting her scope to only one aspect of parental loss. She addresses how it affects every aspect of our lives beginning with our relationship to our parents, our siblings, our spouse, our children, and our friends. She shows us how we must be accountable for our actions and decisions but we must also forgive ourselves and others for our own frailties and humane-ness. She accomplishes this without being judgmental and preachy.

Having both parents still alive, I feel I have been given the benefit of great wisdom. I am grateful I was able to read this book when I can effect meaningful changes in my life now. I will be more compassionate and more present in the future to my friends and family who experience loss.

The most important lesson I gleaned from Secunda is the age old saying, " Carpe Diem!" Seize the day, but do it with forethought, love, understanding and compassion.