Customer Reviews

Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self : The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life

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Victoria Secunda has done it again! Her books have always hit the just right chord with me, but this one was truly exceptional. In the most magnificent way, she has taken a crucial aspect of our lives, re-examined it, and given it back to us in palatable portions. All in such a loving manner as to feel as though we were, (as my mother would have said), wrapped in satin.

Not only is this book beautifully written, it is required reading for any adult, whether or not their parents are still alive. Victoria appears to have a unique talent for reaching people (touching their souls) and getting them to reveal their most private selves. Reading the book makes you want to call you sister, brother, or best friend and tell them how you feel.

Some books are to be read, page by page, in sequential order. This book doesn't require that of you. Like any good book that has a lesson to give, it is a trusted friend. You can open it up to any page and it will lead you to a new perspective, a new view to think about.

As an adult and with both parents gone, it is a great comfort to read a book that is not preachy or judgmental.It's not about the death of our parent(s),it's about our growth(we hope) after their death. While on an intellectual level I know that I am not alone , it is incredibly empowering to see that in print. To learn that there are so many others who have been there before me and have come through the other side has given me a renewed and redirected sense of hope for greater growth. It is a profound feeling.

It is never too late to revisit those growing pains and learn from them. Bravo, Victoria Secunda. You are my hero!

I lost my father when I was 23, but as my mother approaches her 80s I realize that I'll be dealing with totally different issues when this painful time comes 'round again. Before I read Victoria Secunda's eloquent and enormously hopeful book, I could only paint dark and sad scenarios. Now, after reading her insightful account of this truly "defining turning point of adult life," I am opening myself to the possibility of better relationships with my sisters, a deeper and more satisfying relationship with my spouse and children, and a truer me. The grief will be there, but so may there be a greater me. I am grateful beyond words to this superbly talented author whose book is truly a gift.

"Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself" is a journey that affirms a rite of passage. It deals with the aftermath of losing our parents and our expectations as adults dealing with a life event that is not only significant but life changing. Secunda fearlessly dissects the point of no return when our innocence is snatched away for good. We become not only the legacy of the past but the trailblazers of the present and future.

Secunda brilliantly addresses the issue of losing our parents with compassion and unparalleled insight. Much of what has been written deals with the emotions of grief and loss, but Secunda does much more for us. She has given us a road map that both enlightens and assists in the integration and healing of our hearts and souls to become fully human adults.

Secunda resists limiting her scope to only one aspect of parental loss. She addresses how it affects every aspect of our lives beginning with our relationship to our parents, our siblings, our spouse, our children, and our friends. She shows us how we must be accountable for our actions and decisions but we must also forgive ourselves and others for our own frailties and humane-ness. She accomplishes this without being judgmental and preachy.

Having both parents still alive, I feel I have been given the benefit of great wisdom. I am grateful I was able to read this book when I can effect meaningful changes in my life now. I will be more compassionate and more present in the future to my friends and family who experience loss.

The most important lesson I gleaned from Secunda is the age old saying, " Carpe Diem!" Seize the day, but do it with forethought, love, understanding and compassion.

Once again, Victoria Secunda has zeroed in on the core of a family dilemma. This book "Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself" not only has thought-provoking case histories and research numbers. It also has heart-felt, well-written answers to questions I have had for years. Both my parents are deceased, and this book helped me figure out why my life changed so dramatically each time I lost one of them. Our family changed quite a lot--siblings, nieces, aunts all seemed to shift within the family dynamic as pieces on a chess board. This book explains why. Thank you Victoria for another one of your astute books!

When I described to a friend, another therapist, the thesis of this book, she literally gasped, and responded, "Does she mean that its not enough to 'kill off' your parents, to get rid of childhood introjects, but that the parents acutally have to die in order for adult children to have a chance to reach their full maturity?" I nodded 'yes'. "I don't want to believe that", she said, sadly, with noticeable anxiety. "I don't want to think that I have to die in order for my daughter to feel like a real adult." I understood her pain, and thought to myself, "Maybe what you really don't want to believe is that you will actually die; and that your daughter will have a chance to profit from your death,as well as to mourn your loss." For this is one of the implications - unsettling as it may be to older parents- of Secunda's book about adult orphanhood as "the defining turning point of adult mission is to give birth to children, raise them to be independent enough to try to survive, and then to leave them at the appropriate time so that they, too, might have the chance to develop to their maximum and then teach all that to their own offspring.

Steven Jay Gould, in his book, Ever Since Darwin, cites the 18th c. poet, Alexander Pope's take on human mothers nurse it, and the sires defend The young dismissed, to wander earth and air, There stops the instinct, and there ends the care. A longer care man's helpless kind demands, That longer care contracts more lasting bands.

After contemplating Secunda's interesting and compelling evidence that we, slow developing creatures that we are, can gain maturity in our adult life as we lose our parents and finally cease to be anybody's alas, when parental life must end, When grief and mourning help the heart to mend, Then up shoots growth - a time for celebration. Another chance is giv'n for maturation!

A very insightful work, as far as it goes. The author states that she has "never believed in an afterlife", and the book completely ignores the role that faith in God might have in coming to terms with the loss of your parent. For some then, as for me, the book may seem incomplete.

I lost my parents 18 months ago. This book was a great help in figuring things out. It was interesting to hear the experiences of others. Highly recommended.

I am a grieving orphan and this book did not do too much for me. it was too antiseptic and read like a college booklist find. I prefer Alexander Levy's The Orphaned Adult which is like talking to a friend. Peace to us all going through this.

My mother died when I was 23. I read Motherless Daughters at the time and found that helpful beyond measure. About 7 years later I read Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself and found a great deal of truth and insight. I have been missing my mom recently and decided to reread the first few chapters of this book. I am grateful that I still had it on my shelf. In addition to seeing my own situation or at least pieces of myself in the examples given, I am also able to view my father in light of the recent loss of his dad. This book would be a helpful read for an adult who has lost a parent, and it is also useful for a spouse or friend of someone whose parent has died.

Both of my parents are aged and ailing, and I know what is coming- sort of- I have never lost anyone, and I have been the parent in this family all my life- so I approach with caution. I expected this book to tell me how to deal with the loss, but it doesn't do that, it tells you what happens after- how you either regain relationship with siblings or not, or redefine yourself as an adult and no longer someone's child, or not- sort of how you end up redefined, liberated, or analyzing your life with your parent(s). Scientifically presented with some anecdotes, it gives a compassionate, but also methodical view of the changes to come. Makes you think about how you view yourself, and who really is there for you- not just in words- but who will always be there for you... a good book.