The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships [Paperback]

Michael Nichols (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 3, 1994 | ISBN-10: 1572301317 | ISBN-13: 978-1572301313

Why do we often feel cut off when speaking to the people closest to us family members, friends, or colleagues? What is it that keeps so many of us from really listening? Michael P. Nichols answers these questions and more in this thoughtful, witty, and helpful look at the reasons people don't hear one another. His book, a guide to the secrets of listening and being listened to, is filled with vivid examples that clearly demonstrate easy-to-learn techniques for becoming a better listener. He also illustrates how empathic listening enables us to break through misunderstandings and conflict and to transform our personal and professional relationships.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

What is true listening and why, the author asks, has it become a near-rarity in modern life? Nichols (Family Healing) shows how to utilize this "art by which we use empathy to reach the space across us" to improve and repair relationships with spouses, lovers, relatives, children, friends and colleagues, and even how to boost one's own "listenability." He also explains what listening isn't, explaining why people don't listen and listing obstacles to listening (especially defensiveness owing to emotional overreaction). Humor, true-life examples and simple exercises make this a practical and even entertaining self-help guide, although Nichols can be a bit long-winded and preachy.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Scientific American

Lily Tomlin once advised that we `listen with an intensity that most people save for talking.' Michael Nichols, in The Lost Art of Listening tells us how. This is a very special book which distills years of clinical wisdom into practical advice about improving our most important relationships and, ultimately, who we are. Through the lens of the importance to us all of being heard, Dr. Nichols tells us how genuine listening can prevent broken connections and dried up relationships. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 251 pages
• Publisher: The Guilford Press (May 3, 1994)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572301317
• ISBN-13: 978-1572301313
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #178,088 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #41 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Health

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

45 of 47 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Practical, Result Oriented Approach, May 2, 2005

By 

Edward Lewis "tigerlewis" (Houston, TX) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (Paperback)

When my wife left me, instead of telling me there was another guy, she was grasping at straws when she blurted out, "You never listen to me." She didn't have the guts to tell me there was someone else, so I thought this was something I could fix. Lost Art was one of many books I bought in an effort to "fix" myself and save my marriage.

Of the books I purchased about listening, this book was the only one worth what I paid for it. There are some really terrible books out there on this subject.

Part two of my story.....

My father was a man of few words......especially over the phone. When I read Lost Art, I finally understood the "dynamic" between him and I. Phone conversations which used to last a minute or two were now lasting thirty minutes. One conversation we had was about an hour long and at the end of it, he told me that he loved me (which is a big deal in my family).

A month later, my father went into intensive care. Three months after that he passed away. I'm so happy that we had those conversations because I don't feel like we left anything unsaid between us.

As for my marriage, it's over. However, my soon to be ex and I get along very well. I won't say that we are good friends because that would be a lie. But I do beleive we are getting along a lot better than we would have if I had never read this book. I don't believe she left me because of my lack of listening skills, but I do believe that we are getting along so well because of these new skills.

28 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Can you hear me now?, July 7, 2003

By 

FrKurt Messick "FrKurt Messick" (Bloomington, IN USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (Paperback)

Michael Nichols' book, 'The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships', is a wonderful tool for making listening, which is so often taken for granted and so often misunderstood, a truly effective tool in your hands.

--Why is listening important?--
A basic question, and on the surface, a rather simple one. But too often we are preoccupied with ourselves to hear and give sufficient empathy to the other to really hear what is being said. Most of us think we are better listeners than we in fact are, but of course, most of us assume we are better communicators than we are. Quite often we fall into competitive conversationalism; we are busy thinking about our next statement rather than listening to what is being said.

Being heard also means being taken seriously. It is a true hearing, not a simple reassurance (which may not be warranted or realistic); it helps to shape self-respect, and makes the difference between being accepted and being isolated. This means that the listener must be keyed in to her or his own experience and 'listening agenda', those unspoken and subconscious assumptions being made that fill in the gaps when a conversation is going on.

'There is a big difference between showing interest and being interested.'

--Why don't people listen?--
Listening requires a suspension of self, which is very hard to do. It requires suspending judgement, which is often counter-intuitive. 'But they asked my opinion', might be the reply. Of course they did, because our conversational conventions require that, but in fact they often didn't want an opinion, but rather a listener.

Nichols gives a few examples of this non-listening, which often involve the following phrases:

'That reminds me of the time...' (i.e., 'I can top that...')

'Oh, how awful!' (i.e., 'You poor, helpless thing. Here's another mess you got yourself into')

'Well, if I were you...' (i.e., 'Stop whining and do something')

'Have you hear the one about...?' (i.e., 'Never mind what you were saying, because it's boring...')

We all have unspoken, and often unperceived, prejudices about what people should think, feel, and be. This comes from family and community influences, and makes us predisposed to hear or not to hear certain things.

Of course, some don't hear things because of emotionality. This is particularly relevant if what is being said is in any way critical or in the nature of a reproof. Even if we've asked for it, we don't want to hear it. Often, emotions only seem irrelevnat or inappropriate if we don't know the memory of the listener. Often, our tone of voice dictates whether or not there will be a hearing of what we say--and this is difficult, because we often hear what we feel like, not what we sound like. 'The universal human vulnerability to criticism is related to the universal yearning for love and approval.'

--Being heard and learning to listen--
Nichols concludes with two sections on useful applications of the ideas presented on how we fail to hear and communicate. These are put in family, workplace, and social contexts, and Nichols shows how to diffuse emotionality and concentrate more of the other person to facilitate communication. However, 'Better listening doesn't start with a set of techniques. It starts with making a sincere effort to pay attention to what's going on in your conversational partner's private world of experience.'

For understanding, you must show you understand and appreciate what is being said. Also, one must not be afraid of silence, for it is into the silence that the truth can be spoken. Of course, this must be an 'active silence', appropriate in length, and involve other indications (physical cues, eye contact, etc.) that active listening is still going on. 'The reason we care so much about being listened to is that we never outgrow our need to communicate what it feels like to live in our separate, private worlds of experience. Unfortunately, there is no parallel need to be the one who listens. Maybe that's why listening sometimes seems to be in short supply. Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give.'

28 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Should be required reading, March 25, 2001

By 

Sir Bowen (Houston, TX USA) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (Hardcover)

There's probably nothing in our lives that brings us more pain - that could easily be avoided - than the breakdown of communication with our loved ones and others around us. Very few topics are more important, but few of us receive any education in this field.

I would like to see all high schools have a class in effective communication, and when that happens this should be the textbook. It would save a lot of suffering.

The coverage of the topic is extremely complete, the points are directly on-target, and the material is very accessible.

The author has not used many of the stylistic methods of the mass-market self-help books, with cute catch-phrases and lots of bullet lists. With this book, you have to be ready to sit down and concentrate on reading. But for your trouble you will get life-changing information presented in a clear and interesting manner.