Customer Reviews

The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships

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When my wife left me, instead of telling me there was another guy, she was grasping at straws when she blurted out, "You never listen to me." She didn't have the guts to tell me there was someone else, so I thought this was something I could fix. Lost Art was one of many books I bought in an effort to "fix" myself and save my marriage.

Of the books I purchased about listening, this book was the only one worth what I paid for it. There are some really terrible books out there on this subject.

Part two of my story.....

My father was a man of few words......especially over the phone. When I read Lost Art, I finally understood the "dynamic" between him and I. Phone conversations which used to last a minute or two were now lasting thirty minutes. One conversation we had was about an hour long and at the end of it, he told me that he loved me (which is a big deal in my family).

A month later, my father went into intensive care. Three months after that he passed away. I'm so happy that we had those conversations because I don't feel like we left anything unsaid between us.

As for my marriage, it's over. However, my soon to be ex and I get along very well. I won't say that we are good friends because that would be a lie. But I do beleive we are getting along a lot better than we would have if I had never read this book. I don't believe she left me because of my lack of listening skills, but I do believe that we are getting along so well because of these new skills.

Michael Nichols' book, 'The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships', is a wonderful tool for making listening, which is so often taken for granted and so often misunderstood, a truly effective tool in your hands.

--Why is listening important?--
A basic question, and on the surface, a rather simple one. But too often we are preoccupied with ourselves to hear and give sufficient empathy to the other to really hear what is being said. Most of us think we are better listeners than we in fact are, but of course, most of us assume we are better communicators than we are. Quite often we fall into competitive conversationalism; we are busy thinking about our next statement rather than listening to what is being said.

Being heard also means being taken seriously. It is a true hearing, not a simple reassurance (which may not be warranted or realistic); it helps to shape self-respect, and makes the difference between being accepted and being isolated. This means that the listener must be keyed in to her or his own experience and 'listening agenda', those unspoken and subconscious assumptions being made that fill in the gaps when a conversation is going on.

'There is a big difference between showing interest and being interested.'

--Why don't people listen?--
Listening requires a suspension of self, which is very hard to do. It requires suspending judgement, which is often counter-intuitive. 'But they asked my opinion', might be the reply. Of course they did, because our conversational conventions require that, but in fact they often didn't want an opinion, but rather a listener.

Nichols gives a few examples of this non-listening, which often involve the following phrases:

'That reminds me of the time...' (i.e., 'I can top that...')

'Oh, how awful!' (i.e., 'You poor, helpless thing. Here's another mess you got yourself into')

'Well, if I were you...' (i.e., 'Stop whining and do something')

'Have you hear the one about...?' (i.e., 'Never mind what you were saying, because it's boring...')

We all have unspoken, and often unperceived, prejudices about what people should think, feel, and be. This comes from family and community influences, and makes us predisposed to hear or not to hear certain things.

Of course, some don't hear things because of emotionality. This is particularly relevant if what is being said is in any way critical or in the nature of a reproof. Even if we've asked for it, we don't want to hear it. Often, emotions only seem irrelevnat or inappropriate if we don't know the memory of the listener. Often, our tone of voice dictates whether or not there will be a hearing of what we say--and this is difficult, because we often hear what we feel like, not what we sound like. 'The universal human vulnerability to criticism is related to the universal yearning for love and approval.'

--Being heard and learning to listen--
Nichols concludes with two sections on useful applications of the ideas presented on how we fail to hear and communicate. These are put in family, workplace, and social contexts, and Nichols shows how to diffuse emotionality and concentrate more of the other person to facilitate communication. However, 'Better listening doesn't start with a set of techniques. It starts with making a sincere effort to pay attention to what's going on in your conversational partner's private world of experience.'

For understanding, you must show you understand and appreciate what is being said. Also, one must not be afraid of silence, for it is into the silence that the truth can be spoken. Of course, this must be an 'active silence', appropriate in length, and involve other indications (physical cues, eye contact, etc.) that active listening is still going on. 'The reason we care so much about being listened to is that we never outgrow our need to communicate what it feels like to live in our separate, private worlds of experience. Unfortunately, there is no parallel need to be the one who listens. Maybe that's why listening sometimes seems to be in short supply. Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give.'

There's probably nothing in our lives that brings us more pain - that could easily be avoided - than the breakdown of communication with our loved ones and others around us. Very few topics are more important, but few of us receive any education in this field.

I would like to see all high schools have a class in effective communication, and when that happens this should be the textbook. It would save a lot of suffering.

The coverage of the topic is extremely complete, the points are directly on-target, and the material is very accessible.

The author has not used many of the stylistic methods of the mass-market self-help books, with cute catch-phrases and lots of bullet lists. With this book, you have to be ready to sit down and concentrate on reading. But for your trouble you will get life-changing information presented in a clear and interesting manner.

I picked up The Lost Art of Listening immediately after reading Love and Survival. Those two books, in that order, were the perfect one-two punch. In Love and Survival, I learned how important it is to be close to people. Closeness has an enormous impact on your heatlh. And greater closeness makes people happier.

So I realized how important closeness is, but then I realized I didn't really know HOW to get closer to people. I know how to get along with people and how to make them feel good about themselves and how to get them to like me, but I didn't know how to really become close to people, and I had never thought about it. Love and Survival gave some good pointers, but The Lost Art of Listening goes all the way. This isn't a book about business negotiation or anything like that. It's about how to reach that wonderful state of being intimate with someone, really knowing them and being open to them. Listening is the key.

Nichols covers the subject very well with lots of good examples and good humor too. And the book is very practical. When you're done, you'll know what to do to become a better listener. You'll know how to become closer to the people you love. I've been putting the suggestions into practice and I'm definitely closer to my friends and family, and happier too. My wife has noticed the change in me (it has been pretty dramatic) and said she didn't know our relationship could be like this. She's ecstatic about it and it's great to see her so happy. Listening well isn't really that difficult, but there's an art to it, which you learn all about in the book. I'm the author of the book, Self-Help Stuff That Works, and Nichols' book qualifies: This is listening-coaching that really works.

This book showed me not only how to listen to others but also how to communicate with others. I learned from this book about myself and how I communicate. Since reading this book and discussing it with others, I feel I can understand my family, friends, and neighbors or at least have the tools to be an effective listener to them. I would (and have) recommend this book to any and all people. It is a book that is easy enough for almost anyone to understand and, I strongly believe, can only enhance all relationships of any kind.

Helped me become aware of what I can aim to work towards in listening. A very good book. I bought another book on listening at the same time as this (which too had good reviews); this was BY FAR the better book. This is a book that leaves you more interested in the subject and wanting to improve.

If I would have read this book long ago I would still have a relationship with my boyfriend. Because I did not listen and understand what he was telling me, he turned to someone else who was more empathetic. I am great at business negotiations but getting down to the heart of what is really going on with friends and family I am not very good at until now. This book shot me several times "how can you listen when you know what you are going to say", "when you have a similar experience to someone else's you are discounting their story", and other wonderful insights. I thought the book an easy read and sort of chatty with the stories he told. I recommend this book for EVERYONE out of high school just so they have a better chance at maintaining friendships and love relationships.

My husband bought this book for me. Yes, I needed it badly. Listen! This is one of the most useful books I've every read. I'd place it up there with the bible. I need to reread it every once in a while and every time I do, the quality of my life, and those around me improve. I can't think of anyone who couldn't use some of the information that this book offers. If you read it, read it with the intention of improving yourself not to use the information to fix everyone else. If you read this book with good intentions of wanting to help yourself, you will be teaching all those around you the same lessons. It also makes for great conversation starters. I'm sometimes at a lack of words for what to talk to my husband about and he so wants to have meaningful conversation. I can pick up this book and ask his opinion on something and we often talk at length and are brought closer together.

Wow!!!What a well put together collection of information about listening. I would rate this book more on the advanced side. If you've studied communication skills before, this is the book for you. It addresses some of the complex areas where routine skills like restating don't always get you through. If you're absolutely new to learning communication skills, I'd still buy this book, but I'd also get something that breaks down skills in a little more basic way.
The author gives a lot of concrete example which I found easy to follow and beneficial. This book would help with family, friends, and business associates.

We swim in a sea of activity. People today are bombarded with words from every direction: instructions from parents and teachers; emails from friends or people who just want to forward messages to everyone; rhetoric from politicians; and messages from the media. People day have stopped listening; they merely hear words. Dr. Nichols has brought us back to one of the fundamental issues of communication: we need to hear what people are trying to say. His insightful book is a reminder that we cannot close our minds and hearts while opening our ears. This book is a great tool for all people who want to relate to and connect with people. Frankly, as a Christian minister myself, I think this book is essential for all church leaders . . . laypersons and professionals alike. But this book is essential reading for parents. I truly believe that if this book had been available 20 years ago, I would have been a much better parent. Although some of his terminology gets technical, this is the exception rather than the rule. Nichols communicates clearly and foundationally for a wide range of readers. And this is not a book you read only once. I will return to this book periodically just to be reminded of how important it is to listen to people.