Much has been said regarding the current state of Black relationships in America. With a rising divorce rate, a dramatic increase in the amount of Black children being raised in single parent households, more and more Black men being incarcerated every year, and the psychological rifts that exist between Black men and women that stem from centuries of pain and fear, the Black relationship is in dire need of healing. This healing has arrived in the form of the Love Ethic. Based upon the belief that the relationship between Black men and women is the bedrock of the African American community and holds the key to wealth, equality and prosperity for the Black community, Kamau and Akilah take the reader on an historical journey through American history in search of Black love. Those who are single, married, divorced, or in committed relationships will draw encouragement, understanding and hope from this book. The Love Ethic is a text de eply embedded in the African American cultural tradition, as it attempts to look back as a way to move forward.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Review by the African American Literature Book Club,
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This review is from: The Love Ethic: The Reason Why You Can't Find and Keep Beautiful Black Love (Paperback)
Reviewed by Robert Fleming
Inspired by their work with African American couples at their Chicago organization, the acclaimed Twinlineal Institute, Kamau and Akilah Butler, both highly accredited professionals with many advanced college degrees, have written a book, The Love Ethic: The Reason Why You Can't find and Keep Beautiful Black Love, with a very timely message directed to the Black community. The Butlers note as their mission of supporting couples "trying to love and respect one another in a world that makes it quite difficult to do so." One of the central themes of the book is the mutual distrust between African American men and women and how the mainstream society nurtures that bitter schism. As the authors say, the Black women complain that their men are "playas, womanizers, and ballers," with the remaining of the lot being gay or on the "down-low," or hooked up with white women. That is countered by the men saying their women are golddiggers, castrating, or naggers. This book, according to the Butlers, represents the idea that a beautiful love is waiting for anyone willing to put in the work and sacrifice for it. Both men and women should have moral and spiritual standards, because couples and families create our future mothers and fathers of our children, our collective potential. Repeatedly, the authors stress that this is not the time to let the strength of the Black family deteriorate, falling victim to misogyny, mistrust, lies, betrayals, playa behavior, anger, inferiority, and ignorance. All of those critical liabilities will make our people extinct or at least, socially and culturally meaningless. Their notion of a "twinlineal" philosophy is an interesting one. It means achieving a balanced perspective in the relationship, a union of balanced male and female equality. The Butlers emphasize a twinlineal relationship prevents strife and stress in the daily business of being together, allowing the couple to venture into "fertile, untapped areas in their lives." That is why the authors are such cheerleaders for marriage and family. Not only marriage legitimizes love and builds families, they note it gives the couple direction, definition, and the ultimate cultural and social expression of emotional union. Why are Black marriages and families in peril? The Butlers point the fundamental blame at the long, painful institution of American slavery, which disrupted the groundwork of the family as we know it today. We still have not recovered from its hurts and scars. As they suggest, we are still blaming ourselves for its pain and suffering, while not being mindful of the role of history on us. We have survived despite the backdrop of discrimination and the historical residue of slavery. The authors repeat that we need to look back in order to move forward. They feel that many relationship problems have been caused by a forgotten love ethic due to the severe wounds inflicted by oppression. As the Butlers teach the singles and couples at their institution, love must be taught and learned. They add that Blacks get strength and power from being with each other, not from being apart. The statistics they cite are very grim. One recent poll says that a Black child during the days of slavery was more likely to grow up living with both parents than he or she is today. Another survey cites that the Black community was comprised of 90% families with both parents in 1920, but that figure slipped to 50% in 1990 and 30% in 2007. With out-of-wedlock births taken out of the equation, the birthrates of Black married women have fallen off sharply, jeopardizing the cultural and social impact of our community. In the book, the Butlers present the catalog of ailments and defects within the Black community, but they also create a positive vision for the enduring survival of our people. They set out a list of principles of "the Love Ethic:" including justice, balance, reciprocity, harmony, unity, propriety, responsibility, faith, proper communication, common purpose, and order. The terms are self-explanatory and make good sense. As they write in several places throughout the book, our survival depends on a spiritual and emotional transformation: "We must have the courage to see each other with new loving warmth and act accordingly. Love is not a fairy tale." This is an impressive and important book about the survival of our families and community. While other writers blame and shame us, the Butlers have served up a practical, no-nonsense positive remedy of hope and inspiration for what ails us. This book truly packs a punch.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Well thought out, objective, and accurate assessment of Black relationships.,
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This review is from: The Love Ethic: The Reason Why You Can't Find and Keep Beautiful Black Love (Paperback)
I enjoyed reading this book over the last few days. I was impressed by its composition; Chuck D's introduction, and how the book blends together a narrative and academic writing style. The book is an easy to read page turner with well thought out points; which is a plus for a non-fiction readers like me. The thing I liked most about the book is that it is written by a Black married couple who aren't all about chasing the white picket fence and excelling up the ladder in Black entertainment or corporate America. They seem to be practical people with strong and positive Black identities.
On the negative side the book has a couple of shortcomings. Majority of the book (I mean 2/3rds of it) seems to be wrapped up in surveying Black history from the trans-Atlantic slave trade through the civil rights movement up until now and although I think that pointing out the causes in this way is very relevant to explaining why the state of Black relationships are currently in disarray; I eventually got tired of the approach. Don't get me wrong this wasn't a bad thing at all. I enjoyed seeing the familiar sources that I also deem credible in the book such as John Henrik Clarke, and documentaries such as 500 years later, at first it was reassuring to know that the authors were drawing from a pool of thought I was familiar with. Much later in the book however, I wanted to get away from the history and just focus on the finding, building, and strengthening relationships aspects that the book should be selling. That's my biggest gripe, however I think others who are less than occasional readers of non-fiction African-American writings will find this book to be very informative and shed so much insight and perspective. I also found it weird that the book talks about the authors in third person, I don't know if it was their editor but I found myself thinking didn't they write this book? Why does it say, "Kamau and Akilah sometimes disagree"? I consider the shortcomings to be very minor flaws however, they do not take away from the overall masterpiece work this book truly is. Towards the end (I mean the later third) the book really get its hands dirty when it comes to identifying and most importantly solving the problems that occur when we try to find and keep "beautiful Black love". I highly recommend this book to my friends and co-workers because I believe people need to be aware of the historical issues related in the African American struggle and more importantly how it relates to the current state of the Black family. The book points out these issues quite well and suggests that we look at how Black families endured such extreme difficulties in the past and yet continued to stay together.
5.0 out of 5 stars
The Love Ethic reviewed by Kam Williams,
This review is from: The Love Ethic: The Reason Why You Can't Find and Keep Beautiful Black Love (Paperback)
The Love Ethic Book Review
By Kam Williams "I think the notion of Black love in this book is an answer to the hatred that has taken place between Black men and Black women. Something has been poured in the waters of the Black community that has made hate and animosity more understood than love itself... Reading this book will hopefully spark the necessary conversation needed to find the love within ourselves to connect to one another again... Any community dialogue involving healing, relationships, or renewal will find this book an essential tool, thus making it possible to find and totally unlock the love that has been missing between the Black man and woman. Peace." Rapper Chuck D of Public Enemy in the Foreword (page 13) I have read a lot of love advice books in my lifetime, but never one that Offered such a compelling history lesson in the process of talking about how to have a successful relationship. When it comes to African-Americans, this approach might make sense, provided you buy the idea that the fallout from the trauma of slavery continues to radiate like a ripple on a pond and to have a profound effect on how black men and women interact with each other. Those who would say that's just an excuse since black folks have been emancipated for generations would do well to heed the sage words of William Faulkner, a white Southerner, who freely acknowledged: "The past isn't dead. In fact, it isn't even past." This is the crux of the argument postulated by Kamau and Akilah Butler in The Love Ethic, a compassionate examination of the black battle-of-the-sexes viewed through the prism of the oppressive African-American ordeal in the U.S. The authors bring a plethora of personal and academic insight to the project, for not only are they a happily-married couple raising a young son together in Chicago, but they are also each in the process of completing a Ph.D., Akilah in Sociology, Kamau in Social Service Administration. These skills add immeasurably to their ability to deconstruct and discuss in often vivid detail the ramifications of the dehumanization of Africans and the systematic breakup of the black family for centuries on end. Thus, we see how the sexualization and rape of sisters by plantation owners and their being forced to mate with strangers for breeding purposes rather than for love when added to the inability of emasculated brothers to protect their females have contributed to a distance and distrust still in evidence. But not to worry, for The Love Ethic does provide the answer to the unfortunate standooff in 13 principles to be implemented by anyone eager to heal themselves in order to experience "the magnificent possibilities that Black love holds." The Love Ethic by Kamau and Akilah Butler Foreword by Chuck D Twinlineal Institute Paperback, $14.95 176 pages ISBN: 0615275192 Kam Williams is a syndicated film and book critic who writes for 100+ publications. He is a member of the New York Film Critics Online, the African-American Film Critics Association, and the NAACP Image Awards Nominating Committee. Contact him through NewsBlaze. [...]
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