5.0 out of 5 stars
One of Best Sleazies Ever, September 1, 2010
This review is from: Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun [Region 2] (DVD)
Ignore the whiner who picks everything apart.
Susan Hemingway is gorgeous, and depending if the film was actually shot in '75, as rumored, or in '77, its release year, Hemingway can't be any older than 16. Nude scenes abound, she acted well in some of the ealier "distress" scenes in the movie...this is far better than most horror movies with actresses at least 32 years old playing young lasses. Here's your *real* young lass, being abused throughout.
Enjoy it for that, and don't expect Lord of the Rings production. But the DVD has wonderful clarity and a true widescreen aspect. What else could you want?
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5 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Fast forward review, July 8, 2006
This review is from: Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun [Region 2] (DVD)
This Franco convent film (by "Jesus" Franco I note, heh heh) starts off like a wip flick, as 11 minutes in we get a sort of combined "entry scene" and "examination scene" with the young heroine getting her skirts lifted by a nun who could stand in for the wip evil prison guard. Unfortunately the camera doesn't take the invitation to take a peek, and we have to wait for the 20 minute mark before we get to what could be an "inmate" lez scene with the fresh fish.
But then the wip prison form falls apart, as instead of making out, the (very young and very cute) initiate gets fitted with "crown of thorns" underwear, which could be pretty cool if Franco would have followed through, but no, we just get a string of extremely fakey makeup blood and the scene ends. Bummer. But that's Franco all over. He films something of fine quality and blows it by screwing up the abuse effects, it's almost always that way, a couple exceptions aside.
Then there's some weird scene involving some kind of bowl placed between another (older) nun's legs, which the satan-worshipping nuns are kissing, but I have no idea why or what is going on, maybe if I had the sound up it would help, and if the version I saw wasn't in German of course. Anyway, we do get some really furry implied nun munching going on, but very much R rated, before she's all covered in fake blood for some reason, being pawed by hands with fake hair glued to them. Geez, the plot thickens, as does the spirit gum, readily visible on the fingers.
Oh, Jess.
Meanwhile we're back to the young one in bed wearing her stylish undergarments still, judging by the blood on her robe, and the same fake blood dripping scene is repeated (he must have run out after the previous scene). Then there's some dream-state implied non-nun munching, before the hairy hands are back and we get some carpet rubbing, with less nap. By the way, slow it way down at this point, shot by shot, and you'll get treated to the girl apparently milking a cow, and missing the bucket. Pretty interesting little side trip to the barn there. Splat.
Someone must have gone out for more fake blood, because all of a sudden we're in a dungeon with a couple of the nuns getting the squeeze put on them. Interesting, I didn't know hair could bleed. Anyway, oops, it was a dream, oh well. Or maybe not, because possibly these same nuns end up hanging around a dungeon later on, liberally swathed in fake blood of course. We never find out what's going on with them. A little R nun lez follows, nothing the horsing around on Night Calls couldn't trumph, and then a totally wasted priest rape scene involving our little cutey with zip nudity at all. Double bummer.
Then, wowzers, it's church orgy time, complete with the spirit gum hands guy back again leering mightily, and brief snippets of nun lez activity, some pretty cute and some rather matronly, including some more shag carpet, but again, all very mild. I'm not sure what was going on there.
Finally, after some escape type plot, we get the young one chained to the wall to be punished, for escaping I think, and the interest level goes way up, because she's really cute. But no, it's Franco of course, and what could be a really outstanding hot iron scene is completely ruined with fake blood and even what appears to be an attempt to simulate heat by using red paint! Oh man, he should be whipped himself for screwing that one up. And not with a trademark Franco bathrobe belt either.
Some more plot, and our cutey is nude and in the inquisition dungeon (I think, judging by the new guys with robes that show up). Redemption for Jess? No, just more of the fresh fake blood supply used up, some of which appears to have been applied like finger paint. Cutey gets stretched, and warmed up some (off camera), confesses, and they let her off for the meantime. Then she tosses a note out of a window, Swamp Castle style. Someday this will all be yours! What, the fake blood? Oh, uh, sorry, I think was curtains in the Python flick. Anyway, Sir Lancelot reads the note and saves cutey from being burned at the last minute, which is a shame, it would have been great fun watching Jess, er, I mean Jesus, messing that up.
Well, what can you say? Just given the scenes that occurred, this could have been a five star sleaze winner, even without the obligatrory convent nun bathing and flagellation scenes. But all that potential is just totally flushed by the master of sleaze disaster. Pitiful, three sleaze stars for the cutey, the implied abuse and the nudity, but two deducted for unholy quantities of fake blood and tragically missed opportunities.
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