Customer Reviews

Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis

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Dr. Dobson is 100% correct in his methods. It IS guidance by the Lord. Showing TOUGH LOVE is the only way to help someone you love. Be it your spouse, a child or a relative. The methods in this book are not tricks. They delve into the psychology of what happens when someone feels "caged" in a relationship. It's based on the well known fact "the harder you try and hold on to someone, the harder they fight to get away."

And this book is not just for Marriage issues. Dr. Dobson lists 16 things you need to know when you enter into a relationship that can keep you from blowing it. Had I known then what I know now, I would be upset at myself. I blew 14 of the 16 things and it's no wonder she ran away calling me "clingy" and "soft." I was and Dr. Dobson showed me exactly why.

This book is NO GUARANTEE that you will win your spouse or significant other back. But, like anything else, if you don't do something you will more assuredly lose them anyway. Pray hard and read this book if you want to keep them. Learn to give them space.

While I may have blown my chances with my ex (and I think I have) at least I am sure I will never repeat the same mistakes again.

Single or Married, you need this book!

Dr. Dobson deals with another everyday issue that many of us don't know how to deal with. How to say no to the ones we love.

I read this book when I was dealing with an unfaithful wife. Everything I had said hold on to her and "force" her to come back. Dr. Dobson recommended giving freedom since in the end no one can force another into staying in a relationship. He also deals with rebellious children which is basically the same thing as a wayward spouse. Sometimes NO is the answer. Yes you have the freedom to act that way but NO I will not tolerate you acting that way toward me. Yes you have the freedom to leave, but, NO I will not be here when you get back. Yes you have the freedom to commit adultery, but, NO I will not stay married to you if you choose that route. Yes you have the freedom to stay out all night, but, NO you cannot live here and continue to practice that behavior.

A lot of the advice Dobson gives is common sense, that some of us can't see! ! when we are in the middle of those emotional situations that require us to think logically.

I highly recommend this book.

This must be one of Dobson's most well-known books and for good reason. First of all, it is NOT a book on child discipline - "tough love" is used so much in relation to child rearing that one might be led to think that, but Dobson was probably teaching on this topic long before the phrase became part of popular culture. (Dobson does have excellent books on child rearing, too, though!)

This is a book on relationships, and how one must always maintain their dignity and confidence regardless of what the relationship throws his way, and how appeasement may force a relationship apart because lack of self-respect causes a lack of respect for you among others.

Although the bulk of the book talks primarily of divorce, separation, affairs and other marital problems, the principles apply to ALL relationships, and I, a never-married single adult, benefited greatly from it. There is, in fact, one chapter, "Loving Toughness for Singles" which discusses applying the principles of the book to dating relationships.

The principles of this book need to be understood by everyone who desires to have healthy relationships. And it would be better to understand them sooner than later, and have to apply the principles in an attempt to repair a broken relationship.

I got this book right when I discovered my husband was having an affair with a coworker. I was pregnant and taking care of two toddlers, and totally devastated as I went through the nightmare of shock and grief that infidelity causes. I started out clinging to my husband, begging him to come to his senses. Then I got this book, and immediately told him he was free to go. It took tremendous pressure off, but it was excruciating to really let him go at a time I desperately needed him. The hardest part was just getting through the denial stage. it takes so long to actually come to grips that your spouse is so far gone. But once I did that I was able to put Dobson's advice to work. That was six gruelling months ago, and I have just found Michele Weiner Davis' book, The Divorce Remedy, which I WISH I had known about from the beginning. She isn't christian, but her philosophy is near identical to Dobson's. She takes you through a very emotion stabilizing, proactive, productive journey at a time when you feel totally powerless. Her book is about finding solutions that work; Dobson's is more about just the 'tough love' philosophy, with christian sensibilities.
If you find yourself in a similar situation to me you will find both books incredibly inspiring and encouraging. All I can say is that the more self respect and detachment I can muster up, the more my husband seems interested in sticking around. The more I cling, the farther away he goes. I have now experienced this phenomenon repeatedly over the months. Every time I am tough, it gets my husband's attention. I have made some big mistakes, and had some triumphs. I am still trying to wait out my husband's mid life crisis, and I am learning so much about respecting myself while I do so.
If you are neither comfortable with filing divorce, or being a doormat, you will find lots of excellent advice here.

Seven years ago, my husband left our marriage and told me he no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. I begged and pleaded with him to return, but the harder I pushed, the more he pulled away. I felt like I had lost every bit of dignity I ever possessed until I read this book and realized that begging is not an effective form of human communication. I decided to open up the cage door and let my husband go -- come what may and to stand tall, no matter what the outcome. The result was not what I wanted: my husband flew out of the cage and never came back. In spite of that, however, I learned that it's not worth giving away your dignity to anyone, no matter how much you love them. This book was one of the main tools God used to help get through the most difficult times of my life and I recommend it to anyone who is going through a divorce or seperation.

There are some parts of this book that I agree with and some parts that I don't.
Here's what I agree with:
-- that if your spouse tries to leave you for another person, you shouldn't act pathetic by begging and pleading for them to stay. Instead you should act like a person with self-respect and let them go. Makes sense to me.
-- that you shouldn't accept blame for an affair. You didn't even know the affair was happening so how can you be an accomplice? Your partner may try to shift the blame to you in order to alleviate their own guilt. The author advises that you shield yourself against blame so that it bounces right back to the cheater where it belongs. Makes sense to me, too.

Here's what I disagree with:
-- the length of the book. There are some parts of the book where the author is simply repeating the same points over and over again. I believe this book could've been shorter in length.
-- that if a cheater comes crawling back to you, you should take them back. I believe forgiveness is good for the soul, but taking back someone who blatantly disregards your feelings is not. I realize I'm in the minority here...every book I've read on adultery encourages the victim to take back the abuser.
However, everyone I know who's taken back a cheater has been cheated on again...and these weren't weaklings either. These were tough love people who made it perfectly clear that cheating is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. And yet...after setting these clear-cut boundaries, these people still got cheated on again.
All books I've read on adultery hold the betrayed spouse accountable...even after stating the betrayed spouse is not to blame, the conversation still goes back to what the betrayed spouse did or didn't do that drove their spouse to cheat...but I think this line of reasoning is misguided.

It's not how good or bad the marriage is that's to blame, but how you REACT to problems in your marriage that's to blame...and your reaction will be based on your character.
When people cheat, it's very likely because they have a victim mentality, a narcissistic sense of entitlement, poor impulse control, an inconsistent conscience, and a passive-aggressive way of dealing with problems.
So, even if this person never commits adultery again, all these character flaws still remain and will most likely pop up in other forms.

The advice in this book comes across as very parental. Your spouse was naughty and you have to train them to behave better.
However, marriages are based on respect...how can you respect someone you view and treat like an unruly 2 year old? How can your partner feel respected being treated like that (even if it's deserved)?
And marriages are also based on trust...but how can you trust someone with a track record for lying?
I'm just being realistic here on the likelihood of you changing someone who's self-absorbed and values lying into someone who's considerate of your feelings and values honesty.
Another point...the reason the cheater could be crawling back to you now is because their affair partner dumped them. You think it's because they realize now how much they love you, but it could really be fear of being alone...and buying time before they find someone better.
Anyway, I'm not saying you shouldn't take them back (that's a personal call), I'm just saying sticking around waiting for an addict to change can shave years off of your life...and they still may not change. I just think people deserve better than that.

Dr. Dobson feels like a friend throughout the entire book. The book is pure common sense, advice we would more than likely give to those we love when we see they are headed down a destructive path but when we live it, it seems our emotions take over and we lose sight of these wise words. I loved this book because of the plan he gives you in order to respect yourself and others to bring those you love closer to you and most importantly making you feel good about yourself when your heart is broken and you feel nothing but despair, this book offers guidance, a plan and hope. I feel in reading this you instantly gain respect for yourself but you need to keep reading it and seriously live it. Its tough. I am single and dating and this book relates mainly to spouses but it totally applied to me, my life and my circumstances in a relationship I was in. My mantra is something I took from this book and I tell myself and friends constantly "CONFIDENCE IS KEY". Th! is book is a must have, it truly offers healing of the soul.

When my spouse moved out with the intent to dissolve our marriage and pursue another woman, I was desperate for help. I had a similar quest for material that gives hope to a spouse whose partner has zero interest in reconciliation.
I bought this book and read it and applied its suggestions and ended up making the situation much, much worse.
God directed me to Rejoice Marriage Ministries, a ministry of Bob & Charlyne Steinkamp where I found what it means to stand for my prodigal spouse and my covenant marriage. The principles and practical applications taught there begin with love is unconditional, keeps no record of wrongs, and believes and hopes all things, including the repentance and restoration of prodigal spouses and hopeless marriages.
I believe Dr. Dobson's heart is in the right place and much of his teaching in this book take a hard line against sin and adultery as it should, but I feel if fails in one huge area, which is this....
Prodigals, wayward spouses, already don't care what they are giving up to pursue things outside their marriage. They are wounded and hurting inside themselves having given Satan a foothold and now are fully captive to the sin they are pursuing. They need a spouse who can and will have the sacrificial love of Christ for them while praying to the ONLY one who can heal, restore, and deliver them, not one who issues ultimatums and conditions as is taught in this book.
I intend no disrespect to Dr. Dobson and the fine things he has done over the years, but at the most basic level, God's love is meant to be unconditional and there is NO PLACE for tough love in a marriage relationship.

A 'Stander' in TX

As a recent newlywed, my husband and I have had quite a rocky time of it so far. I had reached the brink of myself as I could see my marriage dying, when really it hadn't had all that much time to grow. My husband wanted out and I didn't see to be able to change his mind no matter how I tried. In this book, I was encourage and discouraged to read so many situations like mine, but then I read about a simple principle to free my husband from the behaviors that were trapping him in our marriage. I even felt more in control of who I am and the overall situation. Amazingly, within just a few days, he began to respond to me again and seek truth from the Lord. I have never read a book that changed the course of my life so drastically. While we are not completely through our struggle, I did find "new hope for families in crisis." Praise God!

This book is about loving toughly and I believe what it says is true. I followed his advise and it saved my marriage. Its been almost a year and God has done so many miracles in my life. The people who write bad reviews of this book were the ones too afraid to follow the advise in it. You have to respect yourself before anyone else will. !! :)