Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy [Paperback]

Aaron T. Beck (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: October 18, 1989

With eloquence and accessibility, Dr. Aaron T. Beck analyzes the actual dialogue of troubled couples to illuminate the most common problems in marriage--the power of negative thinking, disillusionment, rigid rules and expectations, and miscommunication.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Aaron T. Beck, M.D., is University Professor Emeritus at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and president of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research. Dr. Beck is the author of thirteen books. He lives with his wife, Judge Phyllis Beck, in Wynnewood, Pennsylvania, and has four children and eight grandchildren.

Product Details

• Paperback: 432 pages
• Publisher: Harper Perennial; 1ST edition (October 18, 1989)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060916044
• ISBN-13: 978-0060916046
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.4 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (16 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #18,008 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

87 of 89 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars cheesy title does not befit this masterpiece, November 6, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy (Paperback)

i'm not even finished the book, and already i can tell you that it addresses pretty much every communication difficulty between _anyone_; its focus is on love relationships, which, as Dr Beck explains, are set to a higher standard of expectation from one's partner, and therefore higher stakes & penalties when one's unspoken rules of the companionship & its roles are broken.

if you wonder why you're always irritated with your partner, or get into quick, snapping arguments, this book steps you through the automatic thoughts that come into each party's mind when they participate in what _seems_ to be a simple dialogue or request, but denigrates into conflict. it also explains why situations escalate into pinnacles of unreasonableness, and how to defuse these patterns.

pretty much every reasoning/communication error that takes place in close relationships is spelled out in black and white-- and backed by clinical approach in psychiatric science, not gimmicky pseudoscience... this takes the stereotyping out of the seeming impossibility of martian men and venusian women getting along-- Dr Beck simply illustrates, painting very clear pictures in 18 tidy chapters, those human characteristics that misfire or go awry when dealing with loved ones.

he gives theories where all this static comes from, offering ideas of where to look in your own thinking, such as: differing frames of reference, upbringing (pattern / modelling of one's parents), unstated expectations, all/nothing thinking, and unknown (to oneself) sensitive issues that cause a person to react to others' actions/words out of fear or anger.

the most heartening bit is his assertion that just one person in the couple working to solve problems in this way can give relief. this is due to the fact that by changing your strategy in arguments & discussions, you improve the kinds of responses elicted by your partner as well.

2 additional reasons why i feel that Dr Beck's book is valuable: firstly, he is a respected authority on cognitive behaviour therapy (its founder, no less!), and secondly, that he provided couples counselling based on the theories outlined in this book. in other words, he's an scientific expert. i don't want to claim "buy this book!!! throw away all the rest!!!", as those lurid advertisements are frequently used on undeserving books that aren't very helpful, nor useful in piercing the complexities in understanding human emotion. (having said that, this book is excellent, and you really ought to check it out).

this book brings people together under one banner. it does not play inherent gender differences off on one another. you will be able to raise your understanding of others by a significant amount, and look inwardly to find out the nature and name of those buttons that your partner may press.

"Take your life into your own hands, and what happens. A terrible thing: no one to blame." --Erica Jong

130 of 136 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Forget the pop-psych blockbusters; this is the real deal, February 10, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy (Paperback)

Cognitive therapy is based on the premise that emotions come out of unexamined, habituated thought reactions. These thoughts and the emotions they foster can be deconstructed and, hence, defused of their power to poison all human interactions, not just those between wife and husband. A brilliant book--unpretentious, well-written, truly helpful. The astute reader will see all sorts of parallels to contemporary linguistic theory. Do yourself a favor: throw all your New Age psychobabble books in the garbage and read Dr. Beck.

53 of 54 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Sustaining a relationship, July 18, 2004

By 

catherine guelph "catrina_g" (milano, italy) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy (Paperback)

Aaron T. Beck MD, is the father of cognitive therapy and professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. His books on depression and anxiety broke new ground in the field of psychotherapy by demonstrating the power of breaking the link between automatic thoughts and emotional reactions. He married Judge Phyllis Beck in 1950 and the couple is blessed with children and grandchildren.

I have often been frustrated by the destructive habit patterns that emerge in my relationships. LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH has helped me to understand their origin and more importantly, how to remove them. It has been a valuable tool not only for my personal but also my spiritual relationships.

Dr Beck writes that, _The essence of marital cognitive therapy consists of exploring with troubled partners their unrealistic expectations, self-defeating attitudes, unjustified negative explanations, and illogical conclusions. Through a tune-up of their ways of drawing conclusions about each other and talking to each other, partners have been helped by cognitive therapy to relate to each other in a more reasonable, less hostile way."

And it works! The basic principle of Dr Beck's approach is simple yet substantial. The cornerstone is to strive for a solid foundation of trust, loyalty, respect and security. In short, to become a committed ally, a supporter and champion of my mate. Second, cultivate the tender, loving part of the relationship, and finally, strengthen the partnership by developing a sense of cooperation, consideration and compromise.

These are lofty goals with abstract meanings. I have always known that I wanted these admirable attributes as a part of my relationships, however, it was not until I studied Dr Beck's cognitive therapy that I gained the tools required to implement. By recognizing when distortions automatically enter my thoughts, I am able to resist the naturally tendency of accepting them. Opposing the temptation to react provides me with control over my emotions and prevents me from falling into destructive behaviours and habit patterns. I am able to respond in ways that are consistent with my hopes, dreams and goals for my relationship.

If you are interested in developing stronger more secure relationships in all parts of your life, this book may be interesting to you.

PEACE