Customer Reviews

Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

i'm not even finished the book, and already i can tell you that it addresses pretty much every communication difficulty between _anyone_; its focus is on love relationships, which, as Dr Beck explains, are set to a higher standard of expectation from one's partner, and therefore higher stakes & penalties when one's unspoken rules of the companionship & its roles are broken.

if you wonder why you're always irritated with your partner, or get into quick, snapping arguments, this book steps you through the automatic thoughts that come into each party's mind when they participate in what _seems_ to be a simple dialogue or request, but denigrates into conflict. it also explains why situations escalate into pinnacles of unreasonableness, and how to defuse these patterns.

pretty much every reasoning/communication error that takes place in close relationships is spelled out in black and white-- and backed by clinical approach in psychiatric science, not gimmicky pseudoscience... this takes the stereotyping out of the seeming impossibility of martian men and venusian women getting along-- Dr Beck simply illustrates, painting very clear pictures in 18 tidy chapters, those human characteristics that misfire or go awry when dealing with loved ones.

he gives theories where all this static comes from, offering ideas of where to look in your own thinking, such as: differing frames of reference, upbringing (pattern / modelling of one's parents), unstated expectations, all/nothing thinking, and unknown (to oneself) sensitive issues that cause a person to react to others' actions/words out of fear or anger.

the most heartening bit is his assertion that just one person in the couple working to solve problems in this way can give relief. this is due to the fact that by changing your strategy in arguments & discussions, you improve the kinds of responses elicted by your partner as well.

2 additional reasons why i feel that Dr Beck's book is valuable: firstly, he is a respected authority on cognitive behaviour therapy (its founder, no less!), and secondly, that he provided couples counselling based on the theories outlined in this book. in other words, he's an scientific expert. i don't want to claim "buy this book!!! throw away all the rest!!!", as those lurid advertisements are frequently used on undeserving books that aren't very helpful, nor useful in piercing the complexities in understanding human emotion. (having said that, this book is excellent, and you really ought to check it out).

this book brings people together under one banner. it does not play inherent gender differences off on one another. you will be able to raise your understanding of others by a significant amount, and look inwardly to find out the nature and name of those buttons that your partner may press.

"Take your life into your own hands, and what happens. A terrible thing: no one to blame." --Erica Jong

Cognitive therapy is based on the premise that emotions come out of unexamined, habituated thought reactions. These thoughts and the emotions they foster can be deconstructed and, hence, defused of their power to poison all human interactions, not just those between wife and husband. A brilliant book--unpretentious, well-written, truly helpful. The astute reader will see all sorts of parallels to contemporary linguistic theory. Do yourself a favor: throw all your New Age psychobabble books in the garbage and read Dr. Beck.

Aaron T. Beck MD, is the father of cognitive therapy and professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. His books on depression and anxiety broke new ground in the field of psychotherapy by demonstrating the power of breaking the link between automatic thoughts and emotional reactions. He married Judge Phyllis Beck in 1950 and the couple is blessed with children and grandchildren.

I have often been frustrated by the destructive habit patterns that emerge in my relationships. LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH has helped me to understand their origin and more importantly, how to remove them. It has been a valuable tool not only for my personal but also my spiritual relationships.

Dr Beck writes that, _The essence of marital cognitive therapy consists of exploring with troubled partners their unrealistic expectations, self-defeating attitudes, unjustified negative explanations, and illogical conclusions. Through a tune-up of their ways of drawing conclusions about each other and talking to each other, partners have been helped by cognitive therapy to relate to each other in a more reasonable, less hostile way."

And it works! The basic principle of Dr Beck's approach is simple yet substantial. The cornerstone is to strive for a solid foundation of trust, loyalty, respect and security. In short, to become a committed ally, a supporter and champion of my mate. Second, cultivate the tender, loving part of the relationship, and finally, strengthen the partnership by developing a sense of cooperation, consideration and compromise.

These are lofty goals with abstract meanings. I have always known that I wanted these admirable attributes as a part of my relationships, however, it was not until I studied Dr Beck's cognitive therapy that I gained the tools required to implement. By recognizing when distortions automatically enter my thoughts, I am able to resist the naturally tendency of accepting them. Opposing the temptation to react provides me with control over my emotions and prevents me from falling into destructive behaviours and habit patterns. I am able to respond in ways that are consistent with my hopes, dreams and goals for my relationship.

If you are interested in developing stronger more secure relationships in all parts of your life, this book may be interesting to you.

PEACE

Dr. Beck's book isn't just another pop-psych guide to saving your marriage. It is an extraordinarily helpful resource by one of the founders of cognitive psychology. Each of the chapters illuminates how marital partners create conflicts; how they can understand their problems; and how they can mobilize their resources for making effective change. A sensible, sensitive book for those striving to create a more fulfilling marriage.

This is a great book on cognitve therapy as it applies to relationships. It is well-written, rigorous and illustrates important points with useful examples.

This book goes way beyond what you might see in a pop psychology book and the material is presented in a way that it can be applied. It also provides a useful framework for understanding cogntive therapy in general.

What I feel is missing from this approach is honoring basic compatability. While emotions are strongly linked to thought, there is more to making a relationship work than working through communication patterns and automatic thoughts.

A useful complimentary book is "Will Our Love Last" by Sam Hamburg. This book looks at the aspects of relationship having to do with compatability along three dimensions... chemistry, what he calls wavelength and practical everyday living. This approach provides an alternative lens to look at what is going on beyond the cognitive aspects of the couple's situation.

I felt this book was insightful, concise, and most importantly helpful. The strategies in this book focus on automatic thoughts, your perception of your mate, and how to foster good communication. The tone of the book is very friendly and non confrontational.
If your relationship is in trouble, or you just want to improve your relationships, this is a good book to get.

Soooo wish I had this book earlier in my marriage. Misunderstandings and reactions to them are and will be the source of problems down the road. This books helps identify and resolve most of them. It's been a great book to read over again when feeling frustrated

As a clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist, I do a lot of marriage counseling and couples work. I have found that Aaron Beck's 'Love is Never Enough' is the clearest and most effective book to use with couples. Additionally, it has the best outcome.

Couples, under a therapist's guidance, can use this book together. It is easy to read, has great hand-outs and is pragmatic. It focuses on the day-to-day issues that many couples find themselves getting stuck on.

While I think that couples could try to use this book themselves without a therapist's guidance, and are likely to benefit from it, this would apply only to couples who do not have serious issues. Couples with serious issues need to work with a therapist. A book alone is not sufficient.

The book is interesting and addresses effectively most communication difficulty between couples.
I would recomment this book to anyone who wants to build a mature and long lasting relationship, as it gives light to important aspects that we many times forget.
Its content gave me more wisdom to understand human relations, and is helping me on my daily life.

Bought this book a few years ago, and read most of it at that time. Now, whenever I need a tune-up in my view and attitude (regards my marriage) I tend to open it again. Am a very happily married man of over 40 years marriage....and have a keen interest in this relationship invented by God. Have read a host of books on marriage over the decades, but this one is in a diff. catigory....it is a real jewel. Dr. Beck knows how our minds work, being an eng. I thought I had a clue too, but he shows that when our relationship is in stress we often think/act in the most illogical ways. He really helps me get my thinking back on track when I need it. Believe he has a great adv. over many writers in this field due to his background, years of exp. and also his long and successful marriage to the same woman.