Customer Reviews

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
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The main story in this book is about one partner's pornography addiction and the other partner's response to that addiction. As is true for several other reviewers, my primary relationship does not have problems with pornography. However, the deeper and broader value of this book is the illustration of how a couple can use supportive "nonviolent" communication to address a problem that is threatening to end the relationship. For me, the book's great value is in showing how a couple can successfully tackle a seemingly insurmountable problem. The book opens the possibility of creating a dialogue on how *our* relationship's problems are similar to what they dealt with, how we can adapt their approach to our situation, etc. I can imagine many couple will benefit from reading this together.

This book fell into my lap and I was amazed by how helpful and relevant it was to me even though porn is not a topic in my relationship. At the beginning I was caught up with the question of whether he would stop looking at porn or not. As the book unfolded I was less and less interested in the outcome and more and more interested in what I could learn about dialogue in intimate relationships. This book truly transcends it's supposed subject matter to reveal so many insights about awareness and honest communication. Anyone in a committed relationship ( which is most of us at some point in our lives ) can benefit from reading this. It offers a road map to a radically courageous and non-judgemental way to approach difficult issues between partners. I cannot recommend it enough to anyone wanting to work with the challenges of deeply relating to another person in an open, compassionate and loving way.

This book is an amazing account of a couple struggling with a very real modern day dilemma. More than that, it demonstrates through their own story, love, courage and communication. You could replace the word "Pornography" with many other issues that challenge couples and learn a lot from this work. Victoria and Garry share their vulnerability so that others may benefit from their dedication to the process of Nonviolent (or open-hearted) Communication. Bravo!!!!!!!!

Boy meets girl. Boy almost loses girl because of his fascination with online porn, which disgusts her. She's especially troubled by research revealing that up to 85% of the women in porn have suffered sexual abuse in childhood, and it doesn't help that when her partner indulges he deprives her not only of his company and potential sex, but also of the truth. Boy and girl decide to make a sincere effort to heal this rift using Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication technique, also known as Compassionate Communication.

For Victoria and Garry Prater this led to three years of struggle and this book. Though the words "love" and "pornography" appear in its title, the book's prose is closer to PG and this is more of a relationship-repair close-up, a co-journaling of each partner's feelings and self-analysis rendered into the language of "core values" and "basic needs." Garry discovers within porn a playful creativity and freedom he likes and wants. Victoria realizes that some of the panic she feels when her feelings are ignored is a replay of her childhood experience of "not mattering" to her mentally ill mother.

What I found fascinating was the way each partner had the potential to be each other's missing piece. Each had the power to pour light and comfort into the other's loneliness. Yin and yang.... together they could become whole. I admire the authors' integrity in telling the difficult truth about the end result of their efforts.-- Sari Friedman for the FEARLESS REVIEWS

I am not a likely reader for this book. I am not in a relationship in which pornography is an issue, and, although I am a therapist, none of my current clients struggles with pornography. At least, not to my knowledge - I don't know that they would tell me if they did! And yet, I have learned a great deal, personally and professionally from this book. I highly recommend it to professionals and lay people who are interested in learning more about honest and compassionate communication in relationships.

As many reviewers have noted, this book really isn't about porn at all - it's about honesty, risk-taking, love and compassion. The couple's journey together is told in all its ambivalence, contradiction, and messiness. In retrospect, it all seems so simple. Find out what needs the behavior (in this case porn)is meeting and listen compassionately, trying to understand, not change, the other person. This process could be applied to many other difficult issues in relationships, and the book provides a compelling and believable account of the process. In the end, the couple finds increased love and compassion for each other. What happens to the porn issue seems of lesser importance. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in a true, honest and hopeful love story.

This book is a wonderful exploration of an ongoing dialogue between two people in close relationship. While it offers wonderful support for dealing with the issue of porn, for me it was an honest navigation of a difficult, highly charged issue, and porn happened to be the topic. For anyone who has made the choice to practice living in nonviolent communication with their partner, this is absolutely required reading. I so appreciate the honesty and vulnerability evident in the thoughts and feelings expressed by each party. Grateful to read a book that touches the heart and mind of both the male and female.

I was inspired reading how Victoria and Garry worked with the issue of pornography without falling into blame and shame. Instead, they explored their feelings and the needs each was hoping to meet. This process added to the intimacy, honesty and integrity in their relationship. I especially enjoyed the sections where each of them told what was going on inside and the dialogues between the two of them. The book gives real life examples of approaching a difficult situation from the point of view that everything we do is trying to meet needs. I took away a clearer sense of how to use that in my own life and a longing to enter relationships from this compassionate place.

Victoria and Garry allow us the ultimate voyeuristic privilege of journeying with them through vulnerable "shadow territory." While many relationships experience cross roads, conflicts, and confrontations, few have discovered the tools presented here, which are necessary to survive and thrive.

This insightful one-of-a-kind relationships testament is really about HEALING and easily translates to resolving any type of disruptive barrier that blocks intimacy.
Victoria and Garry move beyond behavior based ultimatums and acknowledge that any relationship healing, regardless of addictions, secrets, or situations, first involves the self-exploration, self-acceptance, and healing of each individual partner.

I applaud this couple's willingness to expose their personal journey from shame, blame, and pain to discovering their true underlying needs through compassionate communication, patience, love, acceptance, and self-exploration. Their courageous choices will give other couples encouragement and permission to do the same.

I found myself absorbed in the reading of this book, impatient to know how the next chapter would unfold. It is not just about pornography and relationship. It is about the deep process of uncovering the relationship between our values, such as freedom and choice, and the options we have for fulfilling them, while also acknowledging the values of our loved ones. It is about the application of the process of Nonviolent Communication, also known as Compassionate Communication, to the nitty-gritty of daily life in partnership.

Men like naked women and no amount of nagging from their wife is going to change that. "Love & Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving Your Relationship" is a different sort of porn addiction book, stating that an interest in pornography is not something that needs to be routed completely like a drug addiction, but rather moderated and understood between the porn lover and his real lover. It's about understanding each others needs and wants, and embracing compromise. "Love & Pornography" is an even-headed guide to fixing one's problems with porn by looking at the real causes and concerns.