Customer Reviews

Love & Respect

5 star:		(421)
4 star:		(99)
3 star:		(44)
2 star:		(27)
1 star:		(38)

 

 

I thought the principal behind the book was something that will help virtually every married couple. My husband and I laughed at sections b/c we found some of the anecdotes so spot on to our daily lives. Eggerichs clearly explained to us why we keep going through the "Crazy Cycle." The Respect/Love needs in men/women is potentially a marriage saver or breaker.

I have 2 constructive criticisms of the book. I still recommend this book, however I do give these caveats:
1. This book talks as if men know how to love their wives. There may be a million books out there on how to do it, but we didn't have those. My husband and I were reading this one. And I grew weary of hearing how women needed to learn to respect their husbands. Frankly, I grasped the principal within the first few pages. After a few chapters, I felt like rolling my eyes a little. Because he paid so little attention to talking about how men should love their wives, it felt like that part was very trivialized. I understand that was not the point, however, the title was "Love & Respect", not just "Respect."
2. I would have liked more tangible examples of exactly what it means to "Respect" my husband. I want to do it. And he made it clear that "nagging, complaining, and whining" at him were disrespectful. But I need more examples. What are the active things I can do? Is it disrespectful to remind my husband to take the garbage out the night before? If it is, then how do I make sure the task gets done w/out reminding him? It isn't an issue of control, but I have to get the kids out the door in the morning and I need help and I need him to do this one thing. Make sense? I need to know how to have those discussions w/out disrespecing him.

I hestitate to use this as a small group book b/c it is so one-sided. And it tends to repeat itself. Again, I got the principal pretty quickly. And as good as it is, after a while, enough is enough. Another reviewer said it felt a bit like a brochure for the conference. That is exactly how I felt.

A good book? Yes. A helpful principle? Absolutely. A must-read? Maybe. But definitely helpful to a Christian marriage and therefore, I do and would recommend it.

The good:

1) I like the connection between love and respect. Every time he says husbands need respect and wives need love, you have to translate that mentally into *both* husbands *and* wives need love *and* respect, but the basic premise is a good one -- the Christian understanding of love indicates an attitude of honoring, respecting, and blessing the other person.

2) The crazy cycle and reward cycle. This is one of the most important things most couples could learn. Our behaviors are self-reinforcing and good things to lead to more good things in a cycle. Likewise, bad things often lead to more bad things. The good news is that we serve a God of redemption and just as the gospel message teaches us that Christ breaks us out of a cycle of sin, God can redeem broken marriages and break them out of destructive cycles.

3) For *some* couples, a disrespectful attitude toward the husband or an unloving attitude toward the wife *is* the problem. For those relationships, I imagine they would benefit greatly from this book.

The not-so-good:

1) As mentioned by several reviewers already, the book is incredibly sexist. I started making a `W' in the margins when Dr. Eggerichs blamed the wife for the problem and a `H' when he blamed the husband. Skimming back through, it's about 90% W's. Just about any time he says something negative about the husband, you are almost guaranteed to get a follow-up sentence about how his wife's pettiness or nagging or belittling comments or criticizing or bitterness or whatever was really the root cause of the husband's behavior. At times, it was to the point I thought he was emasculating men by making us out to be powerless -- we can't take responsibility for our own behavior because every issue is probably our wife's fault anyway.

2) It's kindof a continuation of #1, but I honestly can't believe he found a man and a *woman* to blame the husband's marital infidelity on the wife. Finding a man who wants to justify his immorality by blaming his wife shouldn't be too hard, but Dr. Eggerichs found a woman who blamed *herself* for her husband's philandering. The idea that a man has so little control over his own actions that he is to be expected to wander if his wife doesn't `put out' often enough is just galling.

3) The narrowness of the focus. As I mentioned above, a disrespected husband or unloved wife is a problem for some couples. But there's lots of reasons marriages struggle, and disrespect is only one of the possibilities. Dr. Eggerichs doesn't acknowledge that at all.

4) He spends quite a bit of energy being defensive about it, so Dr. Eggerichs clearly realizes that the idea of unconditional respect has some problems. I honestly don't see the appeal of unconditional respect. If I want respect from my wife (which I most certainly do!), I will act in a way that *deserves* respect. Why would I demand her unconditional respect regardless of my actions unless I couldn't be bothered to earn it?

This book includes a DVD that is a 30 minute book promotion. It is NOT the Love & Respect Conference. If you want the official Love & Respect Conference on DVD you have to order it from www.loveandrespect.com

Love and Respect is one of the finest books I have read on the topic of male female communication. As this book gains more and more exposure it will go down as a must own in Christian marriage counseling. Not only did I order the book, but I also ordered the 9 cd set on the same topic and the workbooks "Motivating Your Man God's Way. I am a single living in New York and this book contains tremendous material for singles that will prove to be invaluable once they get married. I have taught much of the content in our bible studies. The purchasing of this book may be the single greatest investment you can man make to learn about the opposite sex, and have a God centered marriage.

My husband and I were given this book as a wedding present. The principle is fine if not a tad obvious: love her, respect him and then you'll avoid conflict from feeling unloved or disrepected. Also obvious from the title is that Eggerson is probably going to compartmentalize the sexes and overgeneralize male/female distinctions, and he does. Personally, I couldn't relate to a lot of the "typical woman behavior" he describes (being emotional, nagging, neatness) or even what some of my "primary drives" are supposed to be as a woman. I guess I don't fit his stereotype. And in actuality, I want respect as much as I want love, and I think husbands and wives need both for a healthy relationship. His premise seems oversimplified and doesn't reflect the complexity of real relationships and real people.

Another problem I had with the book was some subtle sexism that crept into the author's writing. He definitely stresses the "wives should respect" side of things more than the "husbands should love" idea, and he often seems to excuse the husband's behavior because the wife isn't being respectful enough or meeting his needs (even though he claims it's supposed to work both ways). One way you can tell is from the examples he gives- they usually illustrate the wife seeing the light and changing her wrong behavior and rarely the other way around. His examples also exemplify fairly narrow gender roles, like the husband who comes home after a long day of work to his homemaking wife who wants to jaw his ear off about the kids while he wants peace and quiet in front of the TV. I never saw any references to women working outside the home, but for men, he includes it as one of their primary desires. Again, this does not describe the reality that I live in nor the one I see played out for most couples I know.

If you want to judge for yourself, here are his main points. He says women want:
-Closeness: She wants to you to be close
-Openness: She wants you to open up to her
-Understanding: Don't try to "fix" her, just listen
-Peacemaking: She wants you to say "I'm sorry"
-Loyalty: She needs to know you're committed
-Esteem: She wants you to honor and cherish her
to feel loved while men want:
-Conquest: Appreciate his desire to work and achieve
-Hierarchy: Appreciate his desire to protect and provide
-Authority: Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead
-Insight: Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
-Relationship: Appreicate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
-Sexuality: Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy
to feel respected.

If you don't see any problems with the things I've mentioned, it would probably be a very helpful book for you. I won't deny that there is some value in certain points he makes. But if you don't fall into sterotypical gendered behavior and narrow gender roles, you will probably end up frustrated and would be better off skipping it altogether.

This book was recommended to us by our counselor. She is recommending it to every single one of the couples she counsels or has counseled. That's how much she believes in this book. My husband and I read the introduction and knew right away that it was going to help us build a stronger foundation and have a better marriage. The concept is so simple - he needs respect and she needs to know she's loved - but you'll have an A-HA moment and know that it's so very true. The book will feel like it's talking directly to you. Every couple should read this book - happy couples and couples in trouble.

While the overall idea is a good one, I strongly agree with other reviewers that the way the author excuses sinful behavior is unacceptable. I found his pride and the repetitive nature of his message to be irritating but was willing to focus on the positive in the book. However after reading that men cheat because their wives don't have sex with them enough and that women should listen to their men's admiration of other women's "assets" with compassion and not judgement, along with multiple other situations where men's actions are excused as "natural" and "to be expected" I find I absolutely can NOT recommend this book to anyone.

In fact I am extremely disappointed by the many positive reviews by Christian couples seen here. How can anyone in good conscience recommend a book that so degrades women? I understand that men are turned on by the visual, but Jesus challenges them to fight those urges, and I absolutely do not agree that women should accept that their husband will look lustfully at another woman as "natural" and encourage him to share those struggles with her! Should women be sympathetic of their husband's struggles...yes! Should they pray that God give their husbands the strength to resist temptation...yes! Is it easier on husbands if their needs are met...perhaps. However I know plenty of couples with healthy sex lives whose husbands still struggle with pornography, flirting with other women, looking at other women lustfully etc. The issue is the MAN's heart and the MAN's walk with his Lord and Saviour, not his wife's ability and willingness to sleep with him every 72hrs on schedule. Seriously. If nothing else this book will only allow men struggling with the above issues to excuse, not own up to and change, their behavior.

I am very disappointed and saddened that so many reviewers seem to think this book is the answer to their marital problems. There are better, far less prideful marriage books out there. If you are wondering whether to read this one, please do not waste your time!

I thought my husband and I had a "decent" marriage. I knew I would stay in my marriage, but I had begun to think "this is the best it is going to get." I thought we would continue to co-exist, but our communication was so-so, and my desire for him was waning. Then I heard the video series in a Adult Sunday class at church and it changed my mind and heart forever. I realized why my expectations were not being fulfilled, and my husband and I looked at each other after the first video with tears in our eyes. I have shared this information with so many other women, and at first they look so baffled. But once you grasp it, your life and your marriage will never be the same. I see my husband with new eyes, and look at him the way I did when we first met. That is so nice after almost 19 years of marriage. It is a great book, and we plan to share it with our soon to be married son.

I love the message that God has given Dr. Eggerichs! It is so on point and can turn a bad marriage to good and a so-so marriage to WONDERFUL! My husband and were taking the seminar at our church and we decided to buy the book. What Dr. Eggerichs revealed about men and women and marriage brought on a whole new understanding.

I suggest this book for any married couple or couples who are thinking of getting married.

This wonderful book has a treatment of the topic that far surpasses many other books released in recent years including the popular best-seller "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." She wants love and he wants respect. It is both a profound and a simple concept. This book explains some of the gender-based psychological and biological differences between men and women that impact on a relationship. The author provides a framework, love & respect, that is beneficial both for its simplicity and its ability to explain the reasons behind these gender differences as they impact on marriage.