The Love-Shy Survival Guide [Paperback]

Talmer Shockley (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 1843108976 | ISBN-13: 978-1843108979 | Publication Date: May 15, 2009 | Edition: 1

For many people, romantic and sexual relationships are complex and cause feelings of anxiety. For people who are love-shy, this anxiety is so overwhelming that it can make finding a partner feel like an impossible dream. Although relatively unknown, and therefore often undiagnosed, love-shyness is a condition which causes an intense phobia of romantic and sexual situations. This book is designed to help love-shys overcome this fear and allow themselves to meet, date, and eventually maintain romantic relationships with members of the opposite sex.A self-confessed love-shy, Talmer Shockley explores the condition, its links with Asperger's Syndrome and how it differs from normal shyness. He gives candid advice on how to deal with being love-shy, make dating an enjoyable experience, and survive the 'relationship jungle'. While love-shyness is predominately a male problem, it can also affect women, and the book offers tips on relationship success for both sexes. Refreshingly honest and insightful, "The Love-Shy Survival Guide" provides essential advice for love-shy people wanting to overcome their anxiety and form successful romantic relationships.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Talmer Shockley lives in the United States and has spent most of his career as a high-tech research technician. Talmer has been diagnosed with both Asperger's Syndrome and love-shyness and speaks professionally about Asperger's, love-shyness and the spiritual aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorders.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Pub; 1 edition (May 15, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1843108976
• ISBN-13: 978-1843108979
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.1 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 2.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,433,717 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

19 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Poorly written and more likely to increase anxiety than "cure" loveshyness, June 28, 2009

By 

Mr. Liam Murray "Liam" - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Love-Shy Survival Guide (Paperback)

I bought this book expecting, based on Talmer Shockley's website, that it would be written by someone that has an expertise in sorting their own problems out and is self-sufficient. What I expected was a snappy, well presented book that focuses on solving the problem and trying not to think too much about why we are loveshy.

The first few pages do get off to a great start - some of the misery guts loveshies on the internet forums need a kick up the arse and he does go in with the intent of doing that.

On the whole, however, the book isn't to the point - about half the book is spent going into huge details on scientific definitions and general irrelevancies while a lot of it is written with a tone of frustration and twisted bitterness. This helps no one - it does not raise awareness of the problem to non-loveshies as he comes across as a loser and hence will not be heeded and for loveshies it distracts them from the basics of just sorting the problem out. There's plenty of texts out there that focus on emotional intelligence and anxiety that better explain how to improve your quality of life and raise awareness of the hidden perils of anxiety.

The whole approach is clunky - Shockley's approach to dating is to develop a myriad of skill sets to fulfill a list of dating criteria and somehow hold them together to attract a partner. This whole approach can only lead to increased anxiety and failure.

The female section is a massive disappointment - In his advice to women that are shy about sex he suggest to simply to buy a vibrator and explore their sexuality. It doesn't come across well and would turn me off if I was woman (although I probably wouldn't go near this book in the first place if I was). This underlines a problem in how loveshy people come across - it's not in our second nature to be eloquent and sensual.

The therapy section is informative - not many books or texts reveal that sex therapists don't even know if they could help loveshies and he does clarify that Gilmartin's "practice-dating" therapy doesn't exist.

Loveshies exhibit classic signs of anxiety - being misunderstood in general, having idiosyncracies, feeling they are living a life that isn't them (almost like it's a different person) and in some cases being misunderstood to be gay/asexual, but Shockley (and Gilmartin before him) have failed to link these symptoms to anxiety. The irony here is that taking a short course of CBT therapy to manage social anxiety and adress these problems (without even thinking about dating) would have significantly more chances of success than spending 6-12 months absorbing all the suggestions in this book. What therapists note is that managing anxiety well can help you do a lot of things in more of a second nature kind of way and this includes dating.

7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Not helpful; PUA-lite, May 21, 2009

By 

rwgo "rwgo" (Over There) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: The Love-Shy Survival Guide (Paperback)

First of all, I'm writing this review under the assumption people know what love-shyness is. If not, let's just say it keeps men (and potentially women) from ever marrying or being in a lasting relationship. Some would call this incel (involuntary celibacy) That's fine too. Whatever the case, this book is of little to no help. Most of the advice is stuff that love-shys have been told a hundred times already. Be assertive. Be confident. If it were that easy, love-shyness wouldn't exist. This is really a pick-up artist/seduction community book (like David DeAngelo) in disguise. Sure, Shockley tries to remove some of the excesses of PUA from the equation, but what's left is just as superficial.

Another problem is the organization of the book. Shockley just goes from one suggestion to another (usually spending a paragraph) without much rhyme or reason. He never says which tips are more important than others and by the end of the book, the reader is overwhelmed with so much information that he (or she) will wonder if they should just give up on love.

Even when Shockley does give some good advice, it is unrealistic. For example, he suggests that you shouldn't live at home while going to college. After all, it inhibits your social interaction. This is very true, but anyone who bought this book is likely past the college age and thus can't change this fact.

There is occasionally a nugget of wisdom in the book, but it gets lost in 200+ pages of bland & unoriginal advice. Perhaps my criticisms are true of all self-help books in the sense that they rely too much on the person making internal changes (when the reality is people can only change so much). However, I really though this book would be different because the author understood love-shyness unlike the PUA's.

6 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Very Informative, June 16, 2009

By 

buffalo nickel (Buffalo NY) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Love-Shy Survival Guide (Paperback)

This was a very informative book, in my opinion. It brought to light a new way of looking at relationships, and why they sometimes don't work out, or in this case, don't start. Many people probably know at least one person who is "love-shy" but probably don't know what it is, or why they are unable to do something as seemingly simple as ask another out on a date. This book opened my eyes to people who may have social anxieties that prevent them from doing what many people take for granted: being able to appropriately pursue someone who they are interested in romantically. This is a good book to read for anyone, especially someone who may have a friend or family member who is having difficulty in this aspect of his or her life. Maybe through this book, and others like it, families and friends will be able to better understand a love-shy person's isolation and be able to reach out to them.