Customer Reviews

The Love-Shy Survival Guide

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I bought this book expecting, based on Talmer Shockley's website, that it would be written by someone that has an expertise in sorting their own problems out and is self-sufficient. What I expected was a snappy, well presented book that focuses on solving the problem and trying not to think too much about why we are loveshy.

The first few pages do get off to a great start - some of the misery guts loveshies on the internet forums need a kick up the arse and he does go in with the intent of doing that.

On the whole, however, the book isn't to the point - about half the book is spent going into huge details on scientific definitions and general irrelevancies while a lot of it is written with a tone of frustration and twisted bitterness. This helps no one - it does not raise awareness of the problem to non-loveshies as he comes across as a loser and hence will not be heeded and for loveshies it distracts them from the basics of just sorting the problem out. There's plenty of texts out there that focus on emotional intelligence and anxiety that better explain how to improve your quality of life and raise awareness of the hidden perils of anxiety.

The whole approach is clunky - Shockley's approach to dating is to develop a myriad of skill sets to fulfill a list of dating criteria and somehow hold them together to attract a partner. This whole approach can only lead to increased anxiety and failure.

The female section is a massive disappointment - In his advice to women that are shy about sex he suggest to simply to buy a vibrator and explore their sexuality. It doesn't come across well and would turn me off if I was woman (although I probably wouldn't go near this book in the first place if I was). This underlines a problem in how loveshy people come across - it's not in our second nature to be eloquent and sensual.

The therapy section is informative - not many books or texts reveal that sex therapists don't even know if they could help loveshies and he does clarify that Gilmartin's "practice-dating" therapy doesn't exist.

Loveshies exhibit classic signs of anxiety - being misunderstood in general, having idiosyncracies, feeling they are living a life that isn't them (almost like it's a different person) and in some cases being misunderstood to be gay/asexual, but Shockley (and Gilmartin before him) have failed to link these symptoms to anxiety. The irony here is that taking a short course of CBT therapy to manage social anxiety and adress these problems (without even thinking about dating) would have significantly more chances of success than spending 6-12 months absorbing all the suggestions in this book. What therapists note is that managing anxiety well can help you do a lot of things in more of a second nature kind of way and this includes dating.

First of all, I'm writing this review under the assumption people know what love-shyness is. If not, let's just say it keeps men (and potentially women) from ever marrying or being in a lasting relationship. Some would call this incel (involuntary celibacy) That's fine too. Whatever the case, this book is of little to no help. Most of the advice is stuff that love-shys have been told a hundred times already. Be assertive. Be confident. If it were that easy, love-shyness wouldn't exist. This is really a pick-up artist/seduction community book (like David DeAngelo) in disguise. Sure, Shockley tries to remove some of the excesses of PUA from the equation, but what's left is just as superficial.

Another problem is the organization of the book. Shockley just goes from one suggestion to another (usually spending a paragraph) without much rhyme or reason. He never says which tips are more important than others and by the end of the book, the reader is overwhelmed with so much information that he (or she) will wonder if they should just give up on love.

Even when Shockley does give some good advice, it is unrealistic. For example, he suggests that you shouldn't live at home while going to college. After all, it inhibits your social interaction. This is very true, but anyone who bought this book is likely past the college age and thus can't change this fact.

There is occasionally a nugget of wisdom in the book, but it gets lost in 200+ pages of bland & unoriginal advice. Perhaps my criticisms are true of all self-help books in the sense that they rely too much on the person making internal changes (when the reality is people can only change so much). However, I really though this book would be different because the author understood love-shyness unlike the PUA's.

This was a very informative book, in my opinion. It brought to light a new way of looking at relationships, and why they sometimes don't work out, or in this case, don't start. Many people probably know at least one person who is "love-shy" but probably don't know what it is, or why they are unable to do something as seemingly simple as ask another out on a date. This book opened my eyes to people who may have social anxieties that prevent them from doing what many people take for granted: being able to appropriately pursue someone who they are interested in romantically. This is a good book to read for anyone, especially someone who may have a friend or family member who is having difficulty in this aspect of his or her life. Maybe through this book, and others like it, families and friends will be able to better understand a love-shy person's isolation and be able to reach out to them.

If you are so overcome with anxiety that you cannot have healthy dating relationships, then you probably have Social Anxiety disorder. Nothing wrong with that, just seek help from legitimate Mental Healthcare sources, not this mishmash of pseudo-science. The Mental Health Industry is very helpful these days and a few months to a year of intensive work with a therapist or group on CBT will help you immensely more than the nonsense in this book. Please do get help if social anxiety is hindering your life, it is out there, but don't get bogged down with this book. It will waste your time and confuse you, trust me.

Mr. Shockley puts in depth how undisclosed love-shyness can affect ones life not only in social situations but also in the work force. Becoming aware that this is a huge problem, that left untreated, can lead to depression and a very lonely life.
Being a love-shy person himself, Shockley can relate from his experiences and so his information is from the heart and from much studying on this topic. His book is upbeat, good advice and overall a good read. As a friend to a parent with a love-shy child, the earlier one can become an informed parent, the greater ones chances for eliminating much future suffering for your offspring. A worthwhile read!

Love is a hard ball game to break into. "The Love-Shy Survival Guide" is an advice book for those who are love shy and are having a hard time getting into the world of relationships. Author Talmer Shockley draws on his own experience as a Love-Shy, a term he gives to those who struggle with getting started in dating. "The Love-Shy Survival Guide" is just what some people may need to get out there and start their romantic life.