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Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace

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"A potter begins by centering his clay on the wheel. When the wheel starts turning, he can't just grab the clay. He must carefully but firmly keep the clay in the center of the wheel. He has to work it gently but deliberately, applying just enough pressure to shape it while constantly adding moisture. If he lets the clay get cold, it becomes stiff, resistant, and unworkable. If he neglects the clay and fails to add water, it will dry out and crack. If he stops the process and then starts again, he may force the clay off center, or he may mar it by putting his hands on it too quickly or aggressively. It takes time, but if the potter is patient, creative, and firm but gentle, there's no limit to what he can create."

This brief excerpt is drawn from Love That Lasts, written by Gary and Betsy Ricucci. Gary, who wrote these words, applies this metaphor to a husband learning to practice romance as an art. "I am to pursue my wife consistently, warmly, and affectionately, lavishing her with encouragement and affirmation." What caught my attention as I read this section of the book was the lesson he seeks to teach through these words. While the lesson is meant primarily for husbands as they relate to their wives, there is such a strong parallel between the marriage relationship and the relationship of Christ to His people that I could not help but see a lesson for my relationship with the Savior. "Every wife is different, and so is every season of life." We could as easily affirm that "every person is different, as is every season of life." And here is the lesson: "But like the potter, we are committed to the process as well as to the outcome." That little sentence stopped me in my tracks.

"Like the potter, we are committed to the process as well as to the outcome." You see, I know that God has great things in store for me in heaven. I believe firmly that, when I die or when Christ returns, I will be changed in the twinkling of an eye. I will be instantaneously made perfect and will be restored to the state of perfection in which I was created to live. My relationship to God will be fully restored and I will no longer desire what is sinful. I know that this is God's ultimate goal, to display His glory in transforming me fully and finally into His likeness. God's goal for me is nothing less than glorification.

While I have full confidence in God's ultimate plan, I find that I have far less confidence in His committment to the process that precedes this consumation. When I read Ricucci's words I had to pause and reflect and ask myself if I truly believe that God is as committed to the process of sanctification as He is to the final act of glorification. Is Christ pleased with the baby steps He sees in my life, or does He lament that I do not grow more--that I do not grow faster? Does He rejoice with me as I grow in my knowledge and love of Him? Is He glorified even in the smallest, halting step I take towards being further transformed into His image?

I thought about this for a while. And then I saw in myself and in my attitude towards my wife just a shadow, a fleeting glimpse, of the work of Christ. I love my wife dearly. I love Aileen so much that my heart aches for her sanctification. I love few things more than seeing my wife reading her Bible, teaching the children about God, and being with her in times of worship. I pray continually that God will continue to mold her into His image. And, if I look carefully, I can see times when I have provided the leadership to help move her (and myself, and our children) towards this goal. I can see where I have been committed to the process. And best of all, I can see the joy I have taken both in leading her through the process and in seeing the results of the process. In my relationship with Aileen I can see, as if in a dim, clouded mirror, a reflection of the work of Christ in my life.

Of course I can also see with startling, shameful clarity the inumerable times that I have failed. I can think of opportunities missed or deliberately avoided. I can see times where my own selfishness and laziness have no doubt robbed Aileen of many a blessing. Yet my faith is stirred when I think that God never misses an opportunity. God is faithful where I am faithless, committed where I am laxadasical, strong where I am weak.

And I am grateful. My marriage ought to be a near-perfect metaphor of the relationship of Christ to His church. Because of my sin, and because of Aileen's sin, it cannot be. Yet through God's grace it can still be a shadow. It can still point to a greater, more perfect reality. It can point to Christ.

It also occured to me that there is a point at which the metaphor of marriage ends, for there is no glorification in a marriage. There will never be a time in which every marriage will be made perfect. Instead, marriage will cease. Like the sacrifices of the Old Testament, marriage will cease for it will no longer be necessary. We will no longer need this shadow to point to a greater reality since, thanks be to God, we will live within the final reality. As the feasts and festivals and sacrifices of the Old Covenant were fulfilled in Christ's death, so the ultimate purpose of marriage will be fulfilled in His return.

What became clear to me as I read this book is that by studying marriage as it is presented in Scripture, we are studying Christ. When we learn about how a husband is to love and care for His wife and how a wife is to submit to and respect her husband, we are learning how Christ cares for us and how we are to respond to His love. When we, as husbands, commit ourselves to the pursuit of our wives and to shape their hearts and lives through loving leadership, we learn how Christ molds and shapes us as we learn of the loving committment it takes to do this. When wives submit to the leadership of their husbands and respond to their initiative, they display the love and faith they must also have in the Savior.

Love That Lasts is a book that is well worth reading for both a husband and a wife. It is, in the words of Jerry Bridges, "thoroughly biblical, very practical, and quite convicting." The Ricucci's are members of Covenant Life Church in Gathersburg, Maryland and one can clearly see within their writing the influence of the ministry of C.J. Mahaney. I dare say that if a person attempted to combine C.J.'s books Humility and Sex, Romance and the Glory of God along with Carolyn's Feminine Appeal, he would end up with something much like this.

My only real disappointment was that it sometimes seemed that the authors were holding back. I know that they know so much more about marriage than they were able to relay in the 160 pages of this book and I wish that I could have learned more from them. Perhaps God will provide the opportunity for them to write more thoroughly in the future. I hope He does.

This is a book about marriage, about the relationship of a husband and wife. But on a deeper level, it is a book about the church, about the relationship of Christ to His people. And this is the way it ought to be, for marriage exists primarily for His glory. Marriage is not about me, it is not about her, and it is not about us. Marriage finds its purpose primarily in God. As the Ricucci's say, "A truly Christian marriage starts with the reality that the institution of marriage does not belong to us. It belongs to God. He designed marriage, and his purposes for it are paramount." Having read this book I can truly say that never has marriage seemed so important, so worth the investment, and so great a means of sanctification. I will let this sentence stand as my endorsement for this book, for I'm quite sure that there is no higher praise I could provide.

LOVE THAT LASTS: WHEN MARRIAGE MEETS GRACE is a revised edition of a 1992 book by the same couple and with similar name. This is a magnificent volume for limited reading audiences. I say that for this reason; if you are a devoted Christian couple or seeking God's guidance in your marriage, this is a must read and you will cherish every page. If you are somewhat lackadaisical in your personal devotion to Christian living and believe you can build a strong marriage without God's grace and guidance, you probably won't finish the book, but then, if you fall in the latter category, you probably wouldn't buy it to begin with.

The book can be a bit tedious at times, but the style in which it is written prompts the reader to stop and think about what has been said. What I guess I'm trying to say is, this is not a book that you can breeze through in an afternoon, though it is limited to fewer than 200 pages. You have to really contemplate the messages and absorb the content to gain the book's full measure of benefit. This is a book that should be read with an attitude of dedication and resolve. Do that, and you will gain insightful knowledge.

One of the many things I have gleaned from its pages comes very early on in the opening pages of the first chapter where Gary likens marriage to a family vacation. That analogy set me to thinking on the subject and I worked out a counseling method that I have found most effective. When I am giving pre-marriage counseling to a young couple, they are often quite reserved at first, so I break the ice with asking about movies and the movie "Vacation" where virtually everything that could go wrong, does go wrong. Then I ask the couple to give details about their worst vacation, making notes along the way of things like, poor planning, not enough money, didn't really want to go so didn't enjoy it very much, weather conditions and a variety of other scenarios that went wrong.

In almost every case, once both bride and groom have told of their worst vacations, they have clearly outlined the exact things that I am there to counsel them about. I am able to illustrate how better planning, communication, attitudes, etc., combined with more realistic expectations on their parts would have made the vacations much more enjoyable. This opens up discussion for applying these same principles to their marriage. The fact that this all stems from their own personal experiences seems to make it all much more applicable as they are usually able to see that even that worst vacation could have been a treasure if they had been willing to except the pitfalls of life and "roll with it", working things out and altering your course as you go along.

I believe you will find similar gems in this book that will open doors to a stronger marriage. For a Christian couple, dedicated to building a strong covenant marriage, and using that marriage to serve the Lord, this is one of the best books you'll find.

Pastor Monty Rainey

This is a very refreshing read. It kindled my love for Alicia and for the ordinance of marriage. They have a very high view of marriage, namely because they have a high view of God, where marriage begins. As with all of the people at Sovereign Grace, these writers are Spirit-filled, Word-centered, and gospel-saturated. They also are complementarians, doing a great job covering roles and responsibilities. Another added benefit, is their understanding of the necessity of the local church in all of life, especially marriage. The chapter on the husband's role is insightful and challenging. The chapter for wives is great too.
These writers have spent some timing learning from the guys at CCEF (Tripp, Powlison). Conflict is inevitable (if there is true intimacy), but the way in which you resolve conflict is vitally important. I was particularly challenged to be very specific and use biblical terms when confessing sin (and no 'but's'). The chapters on romance and sex were great too. Busyness is a type of selfishness, a failure of priority. I would highly recommend this little book to all, single, engaged, and married. Throughout the book, they acknowledge their indebtedness to the Mahaney's and point the reader to their books for further study.
"Nothing is more important to your marriage than your theology" 21
"Nothing is more essential to a marriage, and nothing brings more hope, than applying the gospel of Jesus Christ." 23
"So many couples spend their lives avoiding conflict. They choose a superficial 'peace at any price'--a price much higher than they realize." 113

Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace by Gary and Betsy Ricucci is an inspirational guide to the love and dedication that are the foundations of a successful and enduring marriage. Introducing the conceptual understanding of God being a fundamental aspect of a marital relationship, Love That Lasts carries its readers through the intimate counsel on protecting sanctity of a marriage and protecting the interests of those involved in the marriage through the fulfilling path of God's commandments and blessings. Love That Lasts is very highly recommended for all Christian couples for its evocative and discerning comprehension of God, and the perception of marriage as the essence of two people and their mutual love God as a part of loving each other.

This marriage book stands out because its focus is Biblical. Many Christian marriage books seem to come at marriage from a psychological angle first, then add verses to support that. This starts with a Biblical view of marriage and then moves towards each spouses practical responses to that view. A group of couples in our church recently went through this book and many found it to be very helpful in their marriages.

There were aspects of the writing style that bothered me a bit. The authors would change from his perspective to her perspective in a kind of haphazard way. It seems like offsetting or transitioning between these two viewpoints would make it easier to read. However, despite that I still highly recommend this book!

I have used this book in marriage counseling now for several years. It is without a doubt the most biblical book on marriage I have ever read. It is one of the few books that actually puts the purpose of marriage in its proper context.

There are numerous books available on the topic of marriage. Many of them deal with communication, romance, and roles. The Ricucci's book is different. While they deal with some of these same topics, they do this from a God-centered, biblical perspective. Their book begins with an emphasis on the purpose of marriage, which finds its purpose in God. The husband and wife's role also find their purpose in God, which is addressed in chapters 2 and 3. These are areas which are rarely addressed in most books on marriage. The Ricuccis give a good, basic, complementarian perspective, which is the exception rather than the rule in most books. The Ricuccis also include 3 chapters on communication and 2 chapters on romance and the sexual relationship. They write with an easy to understand, practical style which people find very helpful. All in all I recommend this book and would give it to any couple considering marriage or needing a good book on marriage.

Most books I've read by Christian authors on love, romance and marriage fall into one of two categories. There are those books that are heavy on psychoanalysis with a dozen warm and fuzzy illustrations to get the few common sense points across. Unfortunately, these rely more on the illustrations than on Scriptural support, if any. These books are usually easy and perhaps quite fun to read, but in the end don't tell you anything you already didn't know or leave you wondering if its advice has any foundation in the Bible. The second category of marriage books goes to the other extreme of turning the book into a theological dissertation that leaves the reader finishing the book and wondering what the author said. The idiom "too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good" aptly describes these tomes.

Call me cynical, but when "Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace" by Gary and Betsy Ricucci was recommended to my Bible study group, I didn't have my expectations too high in what the book would have to say. I definitely wanted something different, something that didn't fall into the above mentioned categories, but didn't expect it. As soon as we started reading the book, however, I knew that this book was indeed different. The further we got into the book, the more this fact was solidified. Right from the start, it was evident that, while there were certainly plenty of illustrations, the bulk of the book was solidly based on Scripture, but not in a way that made it read like a theological treatise. As author Jerry Bridges puts it in his recommendation on the back of the book, "Love That Lasts is thoroughly biblical, very practical, and quite convicting." There is one small note worth mentioning in the preface. The authors point out that this book is actually an updated edition of an earlier 1992 printing. The original subtitle was "Making a Magnificent Marriage," which as the authors point out was "certainly a worthwhile goal, [but] seemed to put the emphasis on human effort, for human ends. The new subtitle, `When Marriage Meets Grace,' reminds us that it is God and his glorious power revealed in the gospel of Jesus Christ that are the beginning, the means, and the goal of marriage." This change in subtitles points the direction in which the authors are headed and right from the start reveals that this book was indeed different.

The Ricuccis start off by asking some very good questions in how a marriage is defined Biblically. The importance of laying this groundwork is essential in what would follow in the rest of the book. Without this basis, the rest of the book and the teaching of God's grace in marriage goes out the window. Questions such as "Does your marriage find its purpose primarily in God?" and "Does your marriage find its hope in the gospel of grace?" immediately puts marriage in light of the gospel. While this may sound similar to what other theological marriage books say, the difference is that the Ricuccis don't stop at talking about the nebulous and abstract ideas, but take it right down to where the rubber meets the road. For example, consider the following points made in discussing the second question:
-"Because of the gospel, Christians have become new creations (2 Cor. 5:17). Therefore, in our marriage, our past does not define us, confine us, or determine our future."
-"Because of the gospel, we are accepted by God (Romans 15:7). Therefore we are not dependent on a spouse for who we are or what we need."
-"Because of the gospel, we have hope (Romans 5:1-4). Therefore we can endure any marital difficulty, hardship or suffering with the assurance that God is working all to our greatest good (Romans 8:28)"

Each of these points brings the gospel into everyday life and shows how it should affect a marriage. They conclude this section by saying "Nothing is more essential to a marriage, and nothing brings more hope, than applying the gospel of Jesus Christ." With these words, the authors are ready to launch into other areas of marriage more commonly thought of when marriage books are considered.

Gary and Betsy each write a chapter directly to either husbands or wives regarding the roles that each bring to a God-honoring marriage. Gary talks about the responsibility of the husband to lead and love his wife in the same manner that Christ leads and loves the church. Here they both do an excellent job of pointing out that while there are differences in roles, these differences in no way imply superiority or inferiority on either the husband's or the wife's part. This distinction is made while at the same time affirming the biblical concept of leadership on the husband's part and submission on the wife's part. You'll have to read the book yourself to discover just how they do this!

Three chapters are devoted to the ever-important subject of communication, including what the goal of our communication in marriage should be (intimacy), how husbands and wives communicate differently, what hindrances there can be in developing intimacy, and how to restore intimacy in times of conflict. All of these are wrapped firmly in the cloak of the gospel and how it applies to what our marriages look like. Expect these three chapters to be convicting and to get your toes stepped on!

The last two chapters cover the parts that I'm sure many people turn to first - romance and sex. (I admit it, I skimmed these sections first!) Here, too, the authors bring the topic right back to how our marriage is to be built on Christ, reminding us that God "isn't just interested in love. He is love (1 John 4:16)." After discussing the "why" of romance, the authors offer some very practical suggestions for the "how" of romance, such as being creative, giving little gestures, and offering spontaneous surprises, having date nights or weekend getaways, and many others. The chapter on sex is candid and includes a section for husbands and a section for wives, both discussing the importance of communication and frank openness that can lead to greater sexual intimacy. As with all the other chapters, this chapter ends by asking "In what area must I improve? Where do I need to grow in order to serve my spouse more effectively..."

What we found especially helpful was the included study guide at the end of the book. Most study guides simply point you to the chapter to find the answer printed somewhere in the text and doesn't take much thought. These questions, however, while pointing back to the chapters, are more pointed and designed for some serious discussion on how the reader views such and such an issue, or what views the reader had that might agree or disagree with the authors and why. Again, these questions aren't ones that can be simply answered then forgotten in order to move on to the next one. Questions such as "Ask your wife or fiancée if any person, activity or possession, at any time, seems more important to you than her," while they may be difficult to ask and even harder to answer, are designed to put into action what the authors write about.

A key point made near the end of the book summarizes the point Love That Lasts is trying to make: "God's ultimate purpose for romance is the same as his purpose for marriage: to bring himself glory, to bring us blessing, and to demonstrate the remarkable relationship between Christ and the church." The Ricuccis write in such a way as to make it crystal clear that their goal was not to simply help people have better marriages, but to have marriages that reflected God and the church. And instead of coming across as either being a psychologist or by being preachy, they write as if they were an older couple mentoring a younger couple, complete with their own flaws readily acknowledged, but ready to help you and your spouse to keep growing in your relationship with each other.

We worked through this book in a group of 9 couples. It led to great discussion in the group.

I had read the first "Love that Lasts", written many years ago. This is an excellent update.

Gary and Betsy's transparency and humility is encouraging and provoking in a good way.

We have given this book to many young couples . . . even as a wedding gift.

This book was assigned to us for pre-marriage counseling and we both found it to be encouraging, challenging, and worthwhile. It is thankfully concise at 160 pages but is also deep. My guess is this will be something I'll be referring to over and over again...