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Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage [Hardcover]

Joe Darger , Alina Darger , Vicki Darger , Valerie Darger , Brooke Adams
3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (71 customer reviews)

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Book Description

September 13, 2011

He runs his own business and coaches Little League. She drives a minivan, and she’d be lost without her trusty BlackBerry. They go on date nights. Their kids attend public schools, play sports, and take music lessons. They live in a roomy house in the ’burbs. They’re about as mainstream as families come....They’re also polygamists.

For decades, polygamous families have been forced to hide their lifestyle. Men risk prosecution and economic blacklisting, and women face social isolation and faulty assumptions about what it means to live as a sister wife. But Love Times Three, the first-ever memoir of a polygamous family, is a riveting inside look at a world most of us can hardly imagine, revealing the extraordinary workings of the Dargers’ day-to-day life.

Independent Fundamentalist Mormons, the Dargers grew up in polygamous families, and by the time they were in high school, they knew they wanted to live the Principle themselves. But in a highly unusual situation, even for their culture, both Alina and Vicki expressed interest in Joe at the same time. They ultimately courted him together, and married him on the same day. Valerie, Vicki’s twin sister, joined the marriage ten years later.

The Dargers move the conversation away from child brides, Warren Jeffs, and the FLDS to more mainstream polygamists who willingly enter into plural relationships as adults. Rather than living in isolated communities, Independent Fundamentalist Mormons are similar to an average American family—except for their family structure.

In this intimate, inside story, the Dargers explain why they chose this path despite the pressures of keeping their relationships secret and the jealousy and personal challenges that naturally ensue, why they believe polygamy should be an accepted lifestyle, and, ultimately, why they hope that by revealing their way of life in public, laws that criminalize their lifestyle might change.

Written in the voices of the four parents, Love Times Three is the story of one man, his three wives, and their twenty-four children as they live out their faith in a world of prejudice, misconception, and fear, including a chapter on the sister wife dynamic, one from Joe on how he juggles his three distinct romantic relationships, and a chapter from three of their children, called “My Three Moms.” Despite the risk of legal action, the Dargers know that it’s time to counteract Hollywood’s sensational interpretation and correct the general public’s misunderstanding of polygamy with the truth. Now, for the first time, Joe, Alina, Vicki, and Valerie Darger lift the veil on their so-called taboo way of life.


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Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage + Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage
Price for both: $36.48

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Editorial Reviews

Review

“Eye-opening and courageous.” (Kirkus )

“The Dargers tell their story with candor and an aching authencity.” (Mark V. Olsen and Will Scheffer, creators of HBO's BIG LOVE )

“A remarkably candid and plainspoken account...this unassuming book opens the door on plural marriage... (Library Journal )

From the Back Cover

He runs his own business and coaches Little League. She drives a minivan, and she'd be lost without her trusty BlackBerry. They go on date nights. Their kids attend public schools, play sports, and take music lessons. They live in a roomy house in the ‘burbs. They're about as mainstream as families come.

They're also polygamists.

Love Times Three, the first-ever memoir of a polygamous family, is a riveting inside look at a world most of us can hardly imagine, revealing the extraordinary workings of the Dargers' day-to-day life.

In this intimate, inside story, the Dargers explain why they chose this path despite the pressures of keeping their relationships secret and the jealousy and personal challenges that naturally ensue, why they believe polygamy should be an accepted lifestyle, and, ultimately, why they hope that by revealing their way of life in public, laws that criminalize their lifestyle might change.

--This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: HarperOne; First Edition edition (September 13, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0062074040
  • ISBN-13: 978-0062074041
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 1.2 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.8 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (71 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #306,836 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

It is really great to read a book from a family that lives this life. Mary White  |  17 reviewers made a similar statement
In the book it is obvious that Joe Darger does not reciprocate to the same extent as his wives. Vicky Prunty  |  4 reviewers made a similar statement
They are in no position to say that any of them leave simply because they chose not to be polygamists. Cosmo Philosophy  |  3 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
40 of 50 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Interesting look at a different lifestyle... September 20, 2011
Format:Hardcover
I found myself quite intrigued by Love Times Three. By the end of the book I did feel sorry for the three wives who experience a great deal of insecurity (not surprisingly), but I was also struck by the amount of attention that Joe spends catering to each wives' personality and needs...a lesson for monogamous husbands. While I don't agree with the Dargers' lifestyle, I still found this book to be both interesting and insightful.
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100 of 130 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars TRITE TALE September 18, 2011
By SP
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
"Love Times Three" is filled with trite aphorisms that one has come to expect from polygamy apologists - ( "I am a better person due to the fact that I have to share my husband", etc ) - despite the fact that all four of the Dargers grew up in poverty, often surviving on WIC and food stamps, they attempt to paint their childhoods as idyllic. Never mind the fact that one wife was trained to wash dishes at age 4, and that visits from their polygamous fathers were brief and infrequent, and that older female children were recruited by their parents to take care of younger children and drop out of high school to "baby sit" - they still attempt to paint an idyllic picture of the polygamous life they experienced as children.

It is clear from the book that Alina, the first (and only legal) wife is the Queen Bee, the dominant and favored wife in the marriage. It must be difficult for Vicky (wife 2) and Val (wife 3) to live in Alina's shadow, as the Vicky describes severe post partum depression, jealousy, and starving herself down to a weight of 95 pounds due to the stress of her competitive relationship with Alina. Wife #3, Val,(Vicky's twin sister) was married by Joe at the suggestion of Alina (#1) and Vicky (# 2) because Val (#3) was newly divorced and unable to support herself and her five children. All three wives experience profound jealousy and competitiveness for their husband's affection and taking care of over 20 children is portrayed as quite stressful. The Dargers are financially strapped with 3 out of four parents working in order to have ends meet. After reading this book, I have come to the conclusion that the Dargers obviously have a different conception of happiness than the rest of us have if they would have us truly believe that they are happy.
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93 of 124 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Polygamy Diminishes Love February 10, 2012
Format:Hardcover
Someone who hasn't lived polygamy might be deceived by this book, and its misleading title. Although it gives an unusual insight into the life of a Mormon polygamous family, from my experience as a plural wife, I do not believe their style of polygamy multiplies love.

Women in polygamy learn to be respectful of one another because they want the same respect in return. They also learn to give in order to be rewarded, or so they aren't the odd wife out.

Although it seems loving for Joe's wives to take turns sitting next to her husband and though it may seem selfless for wives trading nights with another needier wife; the concept behind polygamy is multiplying a man's family kingdom.

The man-kingdom is set up so the wives look charitable, heavenly and divine. How can good women rebel against that godly stereotype?

While each wife tries to get their scarce needs met they are also trying to serve their children with their husband's attention divided by three. If this book is really a story about "love times three" these wives would gladly be giving their seats and nights up without expecting anything in return.

In the book it is obvious that Joe Darger does not reciprocate to the same extent as his wives. At times, he may feel guilty; however, logically he can't possibly be in several places at the same time. No matter how hard he tries to do what is right he must flex his man power at the expense of those he loves.

It is not Joe Darger or this family that is necessarily wrong--it is the institution of polygamy. Polygyny is a patriarchal system built to elevate the man and diminish a woman's worth; it runs contrary to an equitable relationship which occurs in healthy relationships when the power is shared between a couple, and when parenting is a joint responsibility.

It was painful to read about obedient wives denying their natural feelings for their husband, or a husband guarding himself from lusting over his own wife (or fiancé) because it was not her night. Hidden feelings that exist between a husband and wife because other wives are around is unnatural, like not holding hands or kissing each other.

For a woman, the phase of warming up during the day with her partner working by her side is part of the fun--not repressing emotions because at the end of the evening her husband is going to bed with a sister-wife. To me, this is a form of emotional neglect--and sexual abuse. The heartfelt emotions the Darger wives expressed in their book were justifiably real.

No matter how much Joe Darger and his family want to prove that their marital love has multiplied with three, the only ones they may be convincing are themselves. It is human nature when our belief system is attacked or in question to rationalize or justify our actions so we can maintain a positive self-image.

With all the searching for truth that Joe and his fiancés did, I read nowhere of going outside their family for answers. This left their story lacking substance and the reader in disbelief.

Joe Darger invested his faith in Joseph Smith's revelation. In the Doctrine Covenants Section 132, Joseph Smith was promised a multiplicity of blessings--a thousand fold--if he lived polygamy. His wife Emma was told she would be destroyed if she didn't follow her husband. This is what the Darger family is promoting to have legalized within our country.To admit error would mean courage and humility, stepping out of the in-group.

Joe Darger believes polygamy brings a greater fullness than monogamy, or than serving one's community. To me, that was the overriding theme in this book-- misguided superiority. People can't live so far above the law that they aren't noticed. All criminals committing a crime, especially going public with it, have the potential of being investigated and charged, no matter how "human," nice, or charming they are. This is not a new concept.

Joe Darger and his wives want polygamy decriminalized arguing, "Critics often claim that polygamy is inherently abusive. A more true statement is to say that monogamy inherently breeds abuse." After a year of extensive study--hearing both sides of the argument--Chief Justice Bauman, who presided over the Supreme Court of British Columbia, ruled to uphold the law against polygamy because ". . . the harms associated with the practice are endemic; they are inherent."

Decriminalizing polygamy would be a mistake. It would open the floodgates to Muslims, Hmongs, Africans, and thousands/millions of worthy immigrants, who would bring or recruit a "multiplicity" of wives. This issue is not just about Joe Darger and his family.

I give the family credit; they seem to live polygamy far better than most. Joe wasn't sloppy in choosing his wives, they seem compatible. They certainly seem to function well, and they are courageous enough to go public. However, laws do not revolve around this family, so being shocked about going public and having negative consequences because of committing a crime, should not come as a shock.

Although the book tries to make a case for polygamy, it also underscores the dangers; arranged marriages, forced marriage, child-brides, trafficking girls for sex, cast out boys/men from polygamy groups, non-support of multiple families, incest and other depraved crimes, etc..

I applaud the Dargers for making their voices known, and give them one star for trying. I would have given them 2 stars, but took one of their stars away for collaborating with Brooke Adams, who was a biased pro-polygamy reporter for the SL Tribune.

Last of all, I wouldn't buy the book to support polygamy--pass yours or someone else's forward.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars Answers Questions
This is a nice book for anyone curious about Polygamous Marriage - and isn't everyone? The asides about their religion is also fascinating - a peek into a very non-traditional... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Cynthia A. Thornton
3.0 out of 5 stars None of the "juicy details"
Interesting, but nothing new. If you watch "Sister Wives" and were hoping for more... not happening in this book. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Jlo
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Book-not enough juicy details
This is a very honest book about modern polygamy. Based on some tv interviews I was expecting more intimate details about the sexual aspect of these marriages. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Blondie22
5.0 out of 5 stars A good read
After reading many of the reviews I was nervous about reading this book. But I had enjoyed reading Becoming Sister Wives by The Brown Family I decided to give it a shot! Read more
Published 2 months ago by Katie
2.0 out of 5 stars Boring!
I found this book to be a huge snoozefest. I thought that the different perspectives would give insight into their family but it just meant that they repeated the same mundane... Read more
Published 2 months ago by NatSmacks
2.0 out of 5 stars Boring and difficult to slog through
Aside from the fact that I disagree with polygamy and Mormonism, I picked up this book at the library because it caught my eye. Read more
Published 3 months ago by AddieGs
4.0 out of 5 stars What a good read
Loved the insight the family gave into their polygamous lifestyle. Anyone who is curious about this lifestyle, has questions, or judgements - read this book!
Published 3 months ago by Jaime L Daniel
3.0 out of 5 stars Like times three
This was a straightforward memoir from the Darger family. While Joe Darger was interesting, he seems more authoritarian and less "fun" than Kody Brown from TLC's reality show... Read more
Published 3 months ago by Madigan McGillicuddy
5.0 out of 5 stars Love Times three:our true story of a polygamous
It was an interesting book and enlightening, I found myself wanting to know more about them and their everyday lives
Published 3 months ago by Mary Magruder
2.0 out of 5 stars Not very good
I found this hard to get into. It was quite boring and didn't engage me at all in fact I couldn't finish it.i couldn't be bothered. It's doesn't often happen
Published 3 months ago by Lisa Haber
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