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To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed [Hardcover]

Alix Kates Shulman (Author)
4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)


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Book Description

September 16, 2008
A personal story of crisis, commitment, and hope from the best-selling author of Memoirs of An Ex-Prom Queen
 
One day it happens, the dreaded thing that will change your life forever, the more dreadful because, though you’ve half expected it, you don’t know what form it will take or when it will come, and whether or not you will rise to the challenge. For Alix Kates Shulman, it happened on July 22, 2004, at two a.m. on a coastal Maine island in a remote seaside cabin with no electricity, running water, or road to reach it—where the very isolation that makes it a perfect artist’s retreat renders it as risky as life itself. She woke to find that her beloved seventy-five-year-old husband had fallen the nine feet from their sleeping loft and was lying on the floor below, naked and deathly still. Though Scott would survive, he suffered an injury that left him seriously brain impaired. He was the same—but not the same.
 
Each of us has imagined with dread the occurrence of just such an event outside our control that will permanently alter the course of our lives. In this elegant memoir, Shulman describes life on the other side: the ongoing anxieties and risks—and surprising rewards—she experiences as she reorganizes her world and her priorities to care for her husband and discovers that what might have seemed a grim life sentence to some has evolved into something unexpectedly rich.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

A fall from a loft bed left author Shulman's 75-year-old husband with traumatic brain injury and utterly dependent on his wife, as she recounts in this deeply affecting memoir of their ordeal together. The fall in the summer of 2004 in their Maine seaside cottage inflicted numerous broken bones, internal bleeding and blood clots to Scott York's brain, causing damage that Shulman gradually learned would take years to heal and probably cause permanent memory loss. Advocating for the best treatment, therapy and eventual care back in their New York City loft became the author's calling for the next year, though to her growing dismay she recognized that her once brilliant husband, a sculptor and former financier, would never make art again or even be able to hold an intellectual conversation. His impairment is rendered particularly poignant as Shulman (Drinking the Rain and Memoirs of an Ex-Prom Queen), moves backward in time over their 50-year relationship, first as college lovers in 1950, meeting up again in 1984, when as divorced adults in their 50s they rekindled their passion and mutual interests and got married. Carving out time for herself and her writing kept her from having a nervous breakdown, and while her hope at times flagged, Shulman's devotion never faltered, as demonstrated by her candid account. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From School Library Journal

In her third memoir (after Drinking the Rain), Shulman details the transformative effects of her husband's traumatic brain injury at the age of 75. Prior to Scott's fall from a loft bed, their relationship had been one of two deeply committed yet autonomous souls. Steadfast in her opposition to a nursing home, the author decided to tend to her husband herself. A genuinely moving story, especially of interest to those who've experienced or known those who've suffered from traumatic brain injury or who have devoted their lives to caring for another.—Elizabeth Brinkley
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 192 pages
  • Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux; First Edition edition (September 16, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0374278156
  • ISBN-13: 978-0374278151
  • Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.6 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #803,443 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

13 Reviews
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Average Customer Review
4.8 out of 5 stars (13 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful storytelling wrapped around a clear explanation of TBI, September 28, 2008
By 
This review is from: To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed (Hardcover)
I agree with everything the official reviewers above say: It is a beautifully written memoir and a compelling story. It is also a portrait of a loving relationship that will probably make most of us think, "It's a good thing that wasn't me--I don't think I could have adapted the way Alix Shulman did." The author has woven in, especially in the last part of the book, clear explanations of what happens when there is traumatic brain injury (TBI), and works into the story some of the tips she picks up along the way of how to take care of herself and hang on to at least a few hours to herself during each day. This is not presented as a how-to book, but you sure do get a sense of what you have to be prepared to do, and to give up, if something like this fall from a sleeping loft leaves someone in your family handicapped. Among other things, she has to deal with her husband's loss of short-term memory, his around-the-clock emotional dependence on her, and outbursts of anger and aggression that are especially hard to deal with because he was such a gentle person. TO LOVE WHAT IS is a slim and highly readable book, one I would not hesitate to suggest or give to anyone who has to deal with TBI (or to decide how MUCH they love that person they are thinking of marrying).
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars Love is dedication, October 29, 2008
This review is from: To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed (Hardcover)
Alex Shulman taught me to think about what lies ahead for many of us. If a spouse does not die instantly - the alternative could be anything from terminal illness, to brain damage or anything in-between. Her honesty and description of feelings that many people would not admit to are admirable. I truly couldn't put this book down. Being 50 years old and having not really thought about what lies ahead regarding illness and death of a spouse, this made me go inside myself about how I would handle a similar situation. My husband is now reading this book and he is already gripped by her writing style and the subject matter.
I highly recommend this book.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars After Brain Injury, Love, January 3, 2009
By 
This review is from: To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed (Hardcover)
A number of books have come out in the last few years on caring for a loved one after brain injury: Where is the Mango Princess and Three Dog Life come to mind. Alix Kates Shulman's book is a memoir of caring for her severely brain injured husband, but she goes very far into care giving and we sense that she feels guilt and remorse over her husband's fall from their loft. We don't really get the payoff. She gets to give up much of her life and self to take care of this man, often around the clock. He is verbally and sometimes physically abusive, requires constant care in every part of his intimate physical being and yet, she slogs on. It's never clear, is it love for the man he used to be? Guilt? The continued hope that he will be restored to "normal?" Most readers will shake their head and say, I wouldn't do it. So, why read the book? If you have no particular interest in brain injury? Because Shulman is a really good writer. Reminds me of Didion. Like Didion, lives in the rarified intellectual world of the well to do who don't think they're well to do. The writing though pulls you through, you don't want to put the book down, the flashbacks to her love life with Scott before the injury are utterly compelling. That's my overall description. Damn good writing makes for a compelling read even if the content makes you scratch your head. Whether Shulman is a saint, I don't know. But she's a hell of a writer.
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Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
New York, Could Happen, The Calling, Scott Watcher, South Beach, Scott York, Cleveland Heights, Union Square, Swallowing Lab, Heights High, Amor Fati
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