Customer Reviews

Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One

5 star:		(26)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Steven Stosny's book and Boot Camp program are a life changing event. I am a stubborn Marine with 45+ years of doing things one way, without compassion. It clearly wasn't working and I knew it. I have been working on changing for more than 20 years. While working through this program I experienced an epiphany that has opened a floodgate of positive change in my life. As a result of Steven Stosny, this book and his programs, my life will never be the same.

If you are a man, and you have the guts to admit that what you are doing isn't working this book and actively pursuing the program outlined in it will change you for the better.

I have read many books on emotional abuse and this book, by far, is the best. Dr. Stosny must have been a fly on our wall over the last 25 years to be able to reiterate "verbatim" some of the conversations and events that have happened in our home.

As a woman, I highly recommend this book for other women who either know they're being emotionally abused, or have that gnawing feeling deep down inside that tells them something just isn't right about their relationship.

Dr. Stosny provides you with insight into your situation, and a Boot Camp section for your husband/boyfriend to go through. He also provides advice on what to do if either party is unwilling to go through the process. Make no mistake - this is NOT a quick fix. The abuser must come to terms with the fact that the recovery process may take years to complete. But things can still get much better than they are now very quickly.

Ultimately, this book provided me with much needed peace of mind by showing me that I wasn't crazy to think that life HAD to better than this, and that I didn't have to live this way. If you are in this situation, or know someone who is and if you love them, PLEASE buy this book. It will be the greatest thing you could ever give them.

Dr. Stosny has the ability to make complex concepts understandable. Better yet, he has the ability to show others how to apply the principles he teaches! This book is a warm, hope-filled testimony to the power of compassion, and a catalyst for changing lives. I like the fact that it doesn't take two to begin the healing process in a relationship -- you can begin today, with or without your spouse or significant other. No more waiting for him or her to change, no more feelings of being held hostage emotionally, no more hopelessness. This is a book worth reading whether you need it for yourself, or want to recommend it to others.

Diane Nicholson, MA
Springhill Center for Family Development

I read this book twice and then also summarized some key points (as it was a library book). Overall, the message I took away (as the person who is walking on eggshells) is that it is only up to me to stop being angry and resentful for what my spouse did to me (emotional abuse), and it was up to me to start my own healing. Maybe that sounds like common sense, but I guess I never was fully aware that I can stop the anger and resentment I felt after I learned he knew he was being abusive to me the whole time. Maybe that was just the next emotion to come out when you are no longer putting your energies into walking on eggshells.

The other big thing I took away was that you can build up your own core value, which in turn will protect you from dings/dents from other people. I don't think I ever really internalized the words/messages from my spouse, which is probably why I didn't waste many precious years with him (nor do we have children). I never thought I was those things he said to me. Yes, he still saddened and disappointed me with his behavior and views on me. But still building up your core value will only be beneficial to you and help you do what is in the best interests for yourself.

What I did not get is how exactly you valuing yourself more would cause, in turn, for your spouse to treat you with more value. When I did most of the things he talked about, this actually made the abuse worse. Some of the worse months were when I truly believed I deserved to be treated better and acted so. And then handing him a book to read? HA! I guess Stosny did say at one point you'd have to leave in order to get him to fully realize. Unfortunately I left because I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore, and all the love was killed. It's a mighty drastic step to kick your partner out, and I cannot see doing this while you are still in love and wanting the relationship to work. So his theory on getting the abuser to change by treating yourself differently did not make alot of sense to me.

I think I also understood better why my spouse did what he did (aside from actually CHOOSING to do that). I understood the background. I've read alot of books on abuse (Bancroft, Evans, Engel), and Stosny's explanation fit my spouse the most I felt. It also helped me understand that because he came into the marriage feelings so inadequate, that is why no amount of reassuring and boosting coming from my end would really help. I couldn't help him, only he could. But he was in denial over what he was doing until I separated from him.

What I would have liked to see more real life examples, or applications of his principles. There weren't enough for my taste.

I got this book shortly after I had already broken up with my spouse and asked him to leave the house. I had no desire to work things out with him ever again. The book never encouraged me to "get over my anger and give it a try." To which I am thankful (the last thing I need is more guilt). There simply isn't any love let, it's been squashed, and abuse truly is a relationship destroyer. If you have no desire to work on it, it's really hard to muster even the slightest desire. Yet you can still benefit from this book. The first few chapter will deal with you.

My spouse is doing the HEALS because he started seeing a therapist after I broke up with him. I hope he can work on himself for sure, but not for "us" or the marriage.

I bought this book shortly after my wife had had enough of my angry, resentful and emotionally abusive behavior. I had recognized my problem behavior and been to counseling for years but it did not work. I was even taking medication in order to change my behavior and save my marriage - again, it did not help. When I bought the book, my marriage was over but I was still looking to improve myself for my children. I had to do something or my children would grow up hating me. I read the book and it was like a light went on. I understood where the anger came from, why it was so hard to control and why the endless counseling sessions never helped. I had a sense of hope I had never had before.

I started the HEALS exercises right away and within a week I could feel a difference. I attended one of Dr. Stosny's Boot Camps - it was amazing. The insight into relationships that I learned was incredible. After two weeks of doing the HEALS I felt amazing. I felt a sense of calmness and a sense of control (over myself) that I had never felt before. I was actually happy, deep down inside.

It has been a difficult road but my wife and I are back together and doing well. I still have my moments of anger but they are very few and far between. Practicing HEALS on occasion helps.

I cannot say enough positive things about this book. This book and Dr. Stosny have changed my life and I thank God for bringing both of them into my life. If you are an abuser or feel you are being abused (i.e., walking on eggshells) PLEASE buy this book and get the help you deserve. If you're not sure, click on the "Search Inside" and look at the Excerpt Section. Take the "Walking on Eggshells Quiz" and see how many times you'd check the "Most of the time". My wife would have said it was ALL of the time.

I just finished reading the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" and found it to be very helpful as well.

Also, for those reviewers who feel this book is biased against men, you need to understand that 99% of the abuse that occurs is perpetrated by men. The book is great at explaining the reasons why men are more prone to being angry and resentful and how that leads to abuse. I believe that the book talks about abuse by women and that the HEALS exercises work for that as well.

Thank you Dr. Stosny for helping me get my life back and becoming the husband and father I've always wanted to be but couldn't.

If all this book taught were the concept of and ability to value yourself, it would be a wonder for just that. But that's just the beginning. A friend of mine said that through 3 years of therapy he only learned all the causes for his anger, but the method Steven Stosny explains in this book taught him how to stop being angry. It's not just a feel-good book, it can help you make real, positive, permanent changes in your life and in your marriage. Dr. Stosny's not only has deep insight into attachment relationsships; he makes it easy to understand and act on.

I have been in the psychotherapy field for 40 years, and I have never run across a book as impactful on abusive men as this one, which I first read about in an email newsletter from SmartMarriages. The author, Steven Stosny, PhD, presents the material in a manner that engages both the abuser (usually male) and his spouse or partner. It is eminently practical and, more importantly, IT WORKS! I have had abusive clients read it, like it, and sign up for one of Dr Stosny's "Bootcamp" weekends without my suggesting it, then return from their experience already making significant changes. When an abused spouse reports feeling calm, that's something. When her spouse doesn't fly into a rage when she tells him she still doesn't trust that his changes will last, that's impressive.

The book is divided into four parts: Walking on Eggshells, Reclaiming the Self, The Boot Camp (for the abuser), and Resurrection for Your Marriage.

If you're an abuser, buy this book and practice what Dr. Stosny teaches. If you're a clinician, buy the book and begin using it in your practice.

George Polley, MSW, LICSW

In my opinion, the best book out there for healing angry, emotionally abusive relationships--for both partners. His approach has been tried and tested for years, and is much more effective than the typical anger management and batterer intervention and prevention programs.

As I started reading this book I felt as though he was discribing my marriage exactly - with phrases that my husband says and everything. I have been reading a lot of books about saving a marriage and the emotionally abused and most of them truely focus on the fact that you are the victum and your spouse is the abuser. I was already in a negaative state of mind and was desperatly trying to find a way out to better my thinking and most of those books made me feel as though there may be no hope for us. Those books seemed to also say things that sounded similar to my siutation but this one was right on track and was almost scary how close it came to being EXACTLY like us. The other books focaused a lot on WHO was abusive in my life and making it seem as though it started form when I was a child and started making me resent some people in my family which was not helping me at all it was making my life even more sad because I almost felt trapped by abusers. This book focuses more on the positive and really works on you. It helps you understand your husband a little better and really brings light on why he is the way he is - not at all giving him excuses or making it right but helping you find the compastion and not anger toward your spouse. It works on YOU and making you happy again and finding that inner you that you once were. Once you are happy with yourself then the rest will follow suit in one way or the other. This was the book I was truely looking for!!!

This tremendous book is slowly chipping away at the walls of resentment, revealing a true sense of self that I thought was long since dead.
I'd also recommend "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" along side it. No matter what direction I choose, I am now positive that I will be much healthier and happier as a result.