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I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship Paperback – Bargain Price, February 7, 2012

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Berkley Trade; 1 Original edition (February 7, 2012)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0425245314
  • Product Dimensions: 5.4 x 0.8 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (63 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,110,648 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews


“This book, based on so much experience and wisdom, will be tremendously useful for millions of people in relationships where trust has been damaged. I found important insights and suggestions everywhere.”
(Pepper Schwartz, author of Love Between Equals)

“If you want to find your way back to the people you love, this book is a must read. It offers a step-by-step map for rebuilding trust and helping you find peace within.”
(Michele Wiener-Davis, author of Divorce Busting)

“A path breaking book on restoring trust in relationships. A wonderful read based on deeply felt experiences.”
(Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of How Can I Forgive You?)

“This practical must read book is for anyone who has ever suffered the hurt and pain of mistrust. Mira Kirshenbaum wisely takes you on a journey exploring the difficulties of betrayal, suspicion and harmful mistakes. Kirshenbaum’s gifted insights are profound and they show you how to restore trust with your closest loved ones.”
(Lee Raffel, M.S.W., author of I Hate Conflict!)

“Mira Kirshenbaum has hit another one out of the park. Her no-nonsense approach offers thoughtful, practical step-by-step methods to assess whether and how to rebuild the trust in your relationship.”
(Diana Mercer, J.D., co-author, Making Divorce Work)

“[Kirshenbaum] gives brave advice for overcoming the devastating effects of betrayed trust, and gives hope that we actually might be able to salvage and repair important relationships, or at least know that we have choices we can make. Thank you for this much needed guidebook to trust—the essential building block of all relationships.”
(Carol Evans, President, Working Mother Media)

About the Author

Mira Kirshenbaum is the author of eleven books translated into twenty languages and a two-time finalist for the Books for a Better Life award. She is clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy. She has trained clinicians at Harvard Medical School and other institutions.

More About the Author

Mira Kirshenbaum is clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a center for therapy and research in Boston, and has been treating patients in individual and couples therapy for more than thirty years. She is the author of ten other books, including Our Love is Too Good, To Feel So Bad, Everything Happens for a Reason, and When Good People Have Affairs.

Customer Reviews

Great insight and very helpful.
Lee Davidson, Author of Satellite
This book has been very helpful in understanding how to heal after a betrayal or loss of trust in any of your relationships not just with your spouse.
C. Seufer
She writes like she really knows you.
trusting again

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

200 of 211 people found the following review helpful By California Mom on January 6, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition
I purchased this book after reading reviews which portrayed this book as helpful in healing work after a betrayal. I found this book to be nothing close to the reviews. This book appears short on both empathy and any real insight - the book approaches affairs using the attitude of blame the betrayed spouse. The book repeatedly suggests that betrayals happen only after a spouse has been trying and trying to reach the other spouse who is unable or unwilling to be empathetic or nurturing. There are copious examples. One example is Ryan, who hadn't been looking for an affair but three years into his marriage he was "ripe for the plucking by any woman who showed the promise of affection." Dawn, Ryan's spouse was supposed to be a fun loving take it easy kind of gal but she turned out to be "ambitious, hard working highly organized person". As Ryan had "never seen this side of her" he discovered that Dawn has turned into "a tough taskmaster". Obviously the author feels strongly that Ryan was entitled - even thought the author herself states that Dawn never tried to hide her personality. Really?? Wow how sadly vested is the author in excusing infidelity and hide Ryan's ownership of his own behavior. Obviously in the author's opinion, Dawn fell down on the job and Ryan had every right to have an affair in reaction to his unmet needs (instead of communicating them to his spouse).
I finally put this book down when I reached the section entitled "The Top Six Solutions that Prevent Betrayal". Ms. Kirshbaum glosses over the devastation of betrayals, states that blame is not useful and then goes on to spread blame on the spouse. While a marriage has two sides and break downs in communications are typically shared, if someone cheats or lies that is a choice that is made by that person.
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47 of 53 people found the following review helpful By trusting again on March 7, 2012
Format: Paperback
I turned to this book because I was in a situation in my relationship where trust had broken down. I could see we were headed for big trouble. I knew Mira's work from other books of hers where I'd fallen in love with her super-solid, very personal writing style. She writes like she really knows you. That's the way she wrote this book too. I felt like Mira had lived through what I was living through, except that she had also figured out how to prevent you from losing someone you love.

I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T TRUST YOU walks you through everything you need to know to deal with trust issues in your relationship. She even has a chapter on how to figure out whether it's worth staying and trying to restore trust even though you're angry and scared.

Then Mira gets down to business. She has a number of chapters on how to recover from a major betrayal, which is what had happened in my relationship. She takes you through all the stages of restoring trust from the very beginning when you're just crazy with fear and anger to the end when you're beginning to find real forgiveness. Other stages have to do with finding out if the other person really cares about you. Finding out if you can solve your problems together...all the things that come up.

I really like what Mira did with this subject. I was afraid this was going to be a kind of cookbook: do this, do that. Instead Mira really believes that if there's something to the relationship to begin with, then restoring is very doable and happens faster than most people think. So what this book does is show you the most common mistakes people make that prevent trust from being restored, and then she shows you how to avoid those mistakes.

The whole time I kept wondering, how does Mira know me so well.
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30 of 35 people found the following review helpful By amber on October 4, 2012
Format: Paperback
I started reading this book on the preview page that was displayed on Amazon...I was telling a friend about it, and how much I related to just the few pages that I could see without buying the book. A few days later, I came home and this book was in my mailbox; my friend had purchased it and sent it to me with a personalized note: "I hope this helps you find your way..." I tore open the package and started my reading.

I have started several books, of this same genre, yet, I could never finish one...I never related to any of them like I related to this book. It was by far, the most accurate book about mistrust and hurt that I've ever come across, I was amazed and uplifted by every page, story, and situation. In other books I felt like the author would be telling me "yeah you feel like this, but forget about it, get over it, move on"...not Mira! She even said (several times) point blank, yeah, he/she hurt you, and I'm not telling you that's okay, or that you shouldn't be angry...that is exactly what I needed to hear! I needed to hear that someone out there understood me, and that it was okay for me to be angry and that I didnt have to just forget about it...then this book helped me find different ways to learn how to deal with the way I was feeling, it was reinforcing positive encouragement, something I really needed. One book I started to read before this one even made me feel guilty, because it mentioned that somewhere along the lines I must've done something to cause the affair. I have told friends about Mira's book, most of whom are going through different types of betrayal issues. I have highlighted points in this book, so that I can go back to them for a reminder of just how important it is to be smart about your reactions and thoughts on things.
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