Customer Reviews

I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This is a hard book to read. My wife left, and, just as is very clearly explained in the book, me, the man, didn't have a clue. I found this book because the title is the exact phrase that she used as she walked out. Now, my life is dedicated to being a person that can she can be in love with again.
But, the book is hard. I am in there. I can't say how many times I was reading and simply had to put the book down until the tears stopped. It was me I was reading about, and I simply never knew what I had been doing, and even more, not doing.
I hope I haven't learned too late.

It is fairly short. I read it in a couple hours. However, we'll definitely be going back through the book to do some of the exercises. I found the research useful and well presented. (Thanks for including many types of couples, non-cliche couples will not feel left out.)
I hope the exercises prove to be as useful.
I found the title off-putting, and it created a short-lived crisis in our house. But I think the book will work as "marriage enrichment" which is why I bought it (Not to announce that we were through, which is what the title implies.) So, prep your spouse that the book will be useful for helping you STAY together, and make the relationship better, then buy it and use it.

this book is very unique because it doesn't address common problems such as "we argue too much" or "i hate him/her"...it is one of the few resources for couples who don't argue enough, or who love each other but are looking for some "feeling" they no longer feel. this book tells it like it is and opens the eyes to relationship realities. should be required reading at the altar.

I started reading it and found that it is written for those who do NOT argue but are unhappy. wish I had knoiwn that ahead of time. Otherwise, probably a great boom if you fit that description

Like someone else suggested, I think most people arrive at this book in a time of personal crisis. If you're like me, you're frantically looking for answers to what went wrong and I guess each of us is looking for hope in what seems like a hopeless situation. This book gave me both of those things.

It's pretty straightforward and universal. It doesn't seem to matter which culture you live in or if you're a man or woman, this issue of ILYB seems like it can happen to anyone. I guess there's some comfort in that fact that you're indeed not alone, but make no mistake, it's a hard read. Hard in that it forces you to take the rose colored glasses off and really look at your behavior. I had more than one epiphany reading the early chapters, and more than once thought to myself "no wonder things are the way they are!".

The hard part becomes not showing that you're on-tilt to your significant other, that everything is okay with you. But behind the scenes, you've got to feverishly change the way you have approached your relationship and hope that the small things start to get noticed. Andrew's message is mostly hopeful, that it is possible to save a damaged relationship even if only one person starts to make the changes. The jury is still out for me, but I'm hopeful now too.

Highly recommended.

My husband broke my heart when he uttered these words to me right before he left~after 10 years of marriage and 16 years together not to mention three children and one on the way. I hated him and blamed only him, the pain was too much to endure. I searched for any words of comfort but what I really had to do first was look at myself and how I contributed to the problems that lead to what I learned after four months of separation was a full blown affair. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame myself for the affair, that was 100% his choice; however, the love in our marriage was discipating and that I did have a part in.

We are trying to work it out, but honestly I was not prepared for the transition period. I lash out at him when he slips up and don't let him explain himself which causes him to shut down and now I know this was the dynamics of our old marriage. Hopefully we can build a new better marriage where communication is encouraged instead of being viewed as a scary endeavor. Andrew Marshall really does care about his readers. I would recommend this book to any person going through relationship problems!!

This book was very insightful into mine and my husband's relationship. We are not the screaming, yelling couple you think of when one think's of divorce/separation. Andrew Marshall's book is very easy/enjoyable to read and offer insight into relationship dynamics I have yet to find in any other book. I love the couples stories he shares in the book which gave me good examples to relate to my own situation. I asked Andrew Marshall a question on his website I had yet to see mentioned in the book and he ansewered me right away. A great read! I ordered another of his books "Help your partner say yes" from Amazon.com in paperback. I just wish it was available in a kindle format.

I am sorry for any of those who have come to need such a book. Believe me, I feel your pain. Anybody who has essentially been told, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," or even those who have uttered this phrase to their loved one, can find useful information in this book to help them start the process of saving their marriage/relationship. As I read this book, I was struck by how completely relevant it was to my current situation, which the book notes is an increasingly common phenomenon in modern relationships. That in itself has been a source of comfort.

The book is intelligently written, never becomes pedantic or preachy, and is also incredibly easy to read. I recommend reading through and actually trying the exercises at the end of each chapter because you'll learn a lot about your partner, and perhaps even more importantly, a lot about yourself. It is not a cure all, and the book will tell you this.... because improving and then maintaining a relationship simply requires a lot of hard work.

The author, Andrew G. Marshall, is a successful couples therapist based in the U.K. with over 25 years experience specifically in couples counseling. He also has his own website, through which he can be contacted directly, and he actually takes the time to personally answer each of your e-mails (although he may give a somewhat shameless plug for one of his books). But seriously, he knows his stuff and he cares.

Good luck!

Marshall zeroes in on a marriage problem that is not addressed very much. Most marriage books talk about how to handle conflict, not how to revive romantic feelings that have died. But it is just as common a problem.

He makes a good case for how getting angry and having fights keeps the spark alive. I think marriage counselors often err on the side of teaching people how not to ruffle feathers, rather than how to be resilient when your partner is not happy with you. Too much PC culture!

He also gives some good ideas about how to keep sexual desire alive, and stresses the importance of play. I agree with him absolutely on this. You can't transition in a flash from chores to feeling sexy! OK, maybe men can, but definitely not women!

I did feel that Marshall rambled a bit and spent more time than necessary giving general marriage advice, rather than staying focused on his main topic. But overall, it is a great book that should be very helpful to both therapists and couples.

This is a must-read, even if you think your relationship is going great! I wish it hadn't taken hearing this phrase to find and read this book... Up until a month ago, I thought I had finally had a relationship that would work out, until he dropped the "I love you but..." bomb. Everything in this book resonates - I think a lot of people probably put themselves and their partners through needless pain because they don't understand a lot of the things explained in this book. Relationships DO take work, and it's productive to argue! Pragmatically, there is no One True Love for you - to paraphrase Kurt Vonnegut, love whoever's around to be loved. This book seems like it would be a great tool to keep that love going, and nip problems in the bud before they start. This book makes so much sense that I think I'll give a copy to my newly-engaged sister, and hope she doesn't take it the wrong way!! Who knows, perhaps sending a copy to my ex will help him out too... even if he doesn't come back, his (and my) next relationship can be better for having read this book.