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Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity Paperback – March 9, 2011
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Top Customer Reviews
It may seem to us like it "works" when we try to distract ourselves from distressing emotions....However, even when they're ignored, emotions continue to have a rousing effect on the body and brain. Feelings crank up the nervous system. That energy builds inside of us and needs some kind of outlet. Notice that the word emotion contains the word motion. This is exactly what feelings do: they move us. They create motion. It's impossible to keep and emotion from moving us. Once a feeling or an emotion activates, it begins to create movement throughout our whole system.
This book brought home to me the damage done to women by a husbands pornography use. It helped me develop more empathy and see that pornography truly is not victim-less. I believe anybody, whether they have a pornography problem or not, should read this book and gain from the valuable insights into how men and women deal with powerful emotions. I further elaborate on that at [...]. Chamberlain and Steurer really have something here in this work. Highly recommended by this reader
"Love You, Hate the Porn" helps husbands realize that even if their behavior was problematic, they are still excellent "medicine" for their wives distress:
"If a woman has been hurt by her husband's pornography use, she feels a strong need for support....Some men find it surprising, however, that their wives want most to come to them....However,...he is the one she most wants and needs to turn to when she is hurting about anything--even including those hurts that he may play some role in. He is, in the words of relationship researchers, her primary attachment figure." p.61
The book wisely focuses on the attachment behaviors that will not only help restore trust with respect to the issue of past porn use, but can also strengthen any marriage over time. To this end, pages 184-5 have a useful list of behaviors that help bond couples. As the authors point out, "When couples recognize their need for ongoing rituals of connection, unexpected things begin to happen. Trust begins to build, emotions are calmer, touch begins to return, and a general sense of well-being and safety begins to emerge." The authors do a good job of explaining why feelings of attachment need to be renewed regularly.
The book also has useful tips for helping husbands understand, and counteract (with closer connection), triggers for porn use.Read more ›
The approach, "Yes, you did hurt her, here's why she hurts and why this may have become an issue." but then spends most of the book saying, "You know you hurt her, but let's explain how to make that hurt bring you closer and stick to that by understanding each other." It explains how we think without getting so generalized that it doesn't apply. It explains how we view certain communication and how women and men tend to clash because we take away meanings from our communication that isn't there.
It is a satisfying book because yes, your hurt as the female who has discovered "virtual infidelity" is explored a lot, but so is our potential misunderstanding of his ways to make it right and how we can meet each other in the middle. It is not a one size fits all, it explores many reactions and feelings that may apply to you and your spouse. It's not guilt laden for the males but it does not skirt the issue that their porn has hurt you. It also tries to explain what sends a man to that secret to begin with without excusing it.
I am not completely finished with the book but the only thing I wish it did that I haven't read yet is touch on the topic that there's such a huge divide between women who hurt due to their husband's porn obsession and a society that treats hyper-sexualization as normal and to be conserved.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Very informative for husbands an wives dealing with the trauma in a marriagePublished 2 months ago by margaret lecours
This has been the BEST help for me and my husband! Accounting for both sides of our marriage, his addiction and my feelings associated to finding out... Read morePublished 3 months ago by D. Johnson
I bought this book withat little hope that it would actually help...but with a try. I have to say, it was the first book I've seen that focuses on a poem addiction and not a sec... Read morePublished 3 months ago by Tammy Montal
excellent. covers addiction and the brain really well. a little preachy but good infoPublished 6 months ago by Maneater
I bought this book a year ago for my husband's porn addiction. I bought two others also, that we could share and learn from. This was my last option, books. Read morePublished 7 months ago by ~A~
Helping me think twice before I whack it to internet porn. I now think of my wife's feelingsPublished 8 months ago by dylan thompson wages
Not just for wives of men who are addicted to pornography. This helped me as well, to understand what she is going through.Published 11 months ago by Robert N. Jones
Good book! Definitely has an accurate portrayal of porn and its affect on a person.Published 13 months ago by Sarah