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Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity Paperback – March 9, 2011

4.7 out of 5 stars 43 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Mark Chamberlain, PhD, received his doctorate from Brigham Young University. He is a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of pornography addiction and other impulsecontrol problems. He and his wife, Jenny, live in the Salt Lake City area. Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT, received a master s degree in marriage and family therapy at Auburn University. He is a frequent presenter at state and national conferences on the subjects of marriage, sexual addiction recovery, and other related topics. He and his wife, Jody, are the parents of four children and reside in St. George, Utah.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: Shadow Mountain; 2.7.2011 edition (March 9, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1606419366
  • ISBN-13: 978-1606419366
  • Product Dimensions: 0.5 x 5.8 x 8.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (43 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #122,876 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
How do you avoid negative actions when you are feeling bad? Reach out. That is the recommendation of authors Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer in their powerful work "Love you, Hate the Porn." Chamberlain and Steurer address the poisonous affect that pornography addiction can have on marriage and relationships. The most powerful remedy to the damaging effects it can have is reaching out to others, especially the most important person in your life. Write the authors:

It may seem to us like it "works" when we try to distract ourselves from distressing emotions....However, even when they're ignored, emotions continue to have a rousing effect on the body and brain. Feelings crank up the nervous system. That energy builds inside of us and needs some kind of outlet. Notice that the word emotion contains the word motion. This is exactly what feelings do: they move us. They create motion. It's impossible to keep and emotion from moving us. Once a feeling or an emotion activates, it begins to create movement throughout our whole system.

This book brought home to me the damage done to women by a husbands pornography use. It helped me develop more empathy and see that pornography truly is not victim-less. I believe anybody, whether they have a pornography problem or not, should read this book and gain from the valuable insights into how men and women deal with powerful emotions. I further elaborate on that at [...]. Chamberlain and Steurer really have something here in this work. Highly recommended by this reader
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Format: Paperback
Chamberlain and Steurer's guide is directed toward married couples in which the husband's porn use has caused both distress. It brims with gut-stirring anecdotes that will be achingly familiar to any couple going through this challenge, and which can help each to understand the other's point of view better.

"Love You, Hate the Porn" helps husbands realize that even if their behavior was problematic, they are still excellent "medicine" for their wives distress:

"If a woman has been hurt by her husband's pornography use, she feels a strong need for support....Some men find it surprising, however, that their wives want most to come to them....However,...he is the one she most wants and needs to turn to when she is hurting about anything--even including those hurts that he may play some role in. He is, in the words of relationship researchers, her primary attachment figure." p.61

The book wisely focuses on the attachment behaviors that will not only help restore trust with respect to the issue of past porn use, but can also strengthen any marriage over time. To this end, pages 184-5 have a useful list of behaviors that help bond couples. As the authors point out, "When couples recognize their need for ongoing rituals of connection, unexpected things begin to happen. Trust begins to build, emotions are calmer, touch begins to return, and a general sense of well-being and safety begins to emerge." The authors do a good job of explaining why feelings of attachment need to be renewed regularly.

The book also has useful tips for helping husbands understand, and counteract (with closer connection), triggers for porn use.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I had a hard time finding books that pertained entirely to us. This one fit well. We are spiritual but that's not really what I wanted the focus of a book on this subject to be, rather, what we could use regardless our religious status. This book keeps with today's world in acknowledging not only how we can be hurt by pornography use, but why, without constantly bringing up how your partner has failed in life or sinned, is weak, etc.
The approach, "Yes, you did hurt her, here's why she hurts and why this may have become an issue." but then spends most of the book saying, "You know you hurt her, but let's explain how to make that hurt bring you closer and stick to that by understanding each other." It explains how we think without getting so generalized that it doesn't apply. It explains how we view certain communication and how women and men tend to clash because we take away meanings from our communication that isn't there.
It is a satisfying book because yes, your hurt as the female who has discovered "virtual infidelity" is explored a lot, but so is our potential misunderstanding of his ways to make it right and how we can meet each other in the middle. It is not a one size fits all, it explores many reactions and feelings that may apply to you and your spouse. It's not guilt laden for the males but it does not skirt the issue that their porn has hurt you. It also tries to explain what sends a man to that secret to begin with without excusing it.
I am not completely finished with the book but the only thing I wish it did that I haven't read yet is touch on the topic that there's such a huge divide between women who hurt due to their husband's porn obsession and a society that treats hyper-sexualization as normal and to be conserved.
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