Customer Reviews

Love's Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(1)
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1 star:		(1)

 

 

With the wisdom of a sage, Hellinger takes on psychotherapy, conventional beliefs about relationships and what is commonly accepted between family members and lovers in their relationships. Hellinger's message is one of humility in accepting what is, especially the natural order of relationships. For instance, rather than bemoaning an abusive father, Hellinger will stand by the victimizer and have the victim, a son or daughter, humbly acknowledge the father for being the father and to place the circumstances as secondary. In this action, the natural order of the relationship becomes untangled. Hellinger is more interested not in details but in finding what works in resolving problems. The past is past, he seems to say with each page's turn, and focusing on making things right is his intent.

From my personal work, I have seen how this work is indeed powerfully effective, and because of Hellinger's non-linear, often intangible approach, he is a controversial and immensely popular figure in psychotherapy. This review does not do this book or Hellinger's work justice. In reading Love's Hidden Symmetry, I found myself reading only a small section, then putting down the book to sit with whatever I had just read. Each section is worth more than the space on its page, in other words. It took some time to complete it, and a better understanding of what he says will probably only come in time and in multiple readings. Hellinger's work talks precisely about being humbled by each other and our processes and how things work as they do. Moreoever, through his readings and family constellations I have discovered how powerfully my lineage influences who I am. The brilliance of this work is in its systemic significance: how noted events, such as war or murder, can have lasting effects transgenerationally.

My only criticism his is limited inclusion about environmental factors and the role of civilization in contributing to individual psychological problems; this area is not seeming to be his focus. Instead, Hellinger, a master psychotherapist, appears more interested in redirecting our entangled relationships with each other. I leave my first reading of this book still intent on people finding healthier ways to live, rather than just necessarily focusing on their healing; at the same time, I am blown away by what Hellinger does for the individual and family end of things. It is simply unlike no other I have been exposed to before.

This is a marvelous book that addresses fundamental issues in our contemporary Western society with great, heart-felt insight.
The author discusses his theory and practice of the phenomenology of intimate relationships, which has the power to uncover the hidden dynamics of family relations, in order to heal individual people and their entire family system.

The author explains in great detail how any loss of balance - in our sense of belonging, give-and-take, and need for structure - within family systems necessarily causes feelings of guilt in both the family conscience and individual consciences of its members. Loss of balance in one part of the system invariably causes compensation in other, weaker parts, most often children - who will be adults later in their lives.
If the, mostly subconscious, causes of these compensations are not properly recognized and addressed, then therapy is bound to fail. If however we start from fundamental insight in the system dynamics well explained in this marvelous book, then we will be empowered to take the right course of action.

All sorts of causes are phenomenologically explained in this book, in order to provide fundamental insight in their "karmic" structures of cause-result: divorce, child adoption, sexual abuse, suicide, homocide, criminal behavior, abortion, unfaithfulness in marriage, a scape-goat within a family, different sexual needs within an intimate relationship, tragic loss, re-marriage after divorce, a child mothering or fathering a parent, homosexuality, jealousy, refusal to accept a parent, legal custody, illegal children, neglecting a partner in favour of children, and so on.

The author offers fundamental insight in these matters, as well as sound strategies to address them decisively. There is a sense of "natural magic" in his therapeutics, when Bert Helling has a client re-enact (and correct) their family constellation. One can easily understand that Hellinger must have learnt much of this from his work as a former Catholic priest among the Zulus of South-Africa, where a kind of "innate wisdom" must have been awoken in him - The short biography in the appendix anyway explains a lot about the developing "spirit" of Hellinger during his life.

In conclusion: This book may teach us to gain our rightful place within our family system, one that is our birth-right; gain freedom from "systemic guilt", and live in peace within our family.

What I like about this book is its redeeming spirit and its knowing heart, which anyone can understand. It is deeply human and I like it tremendously. If any book can change your life by gaining fundamental insight in family dynamics, then this is the one. I wish I could rate it with 6 stars.

Provocative, candid, controversial, filled with hope. Poetic and wise, this book captures the profound and extraordinary potential of understanding and restoring balance in families. Truth was discovered on every page; the book is easy to read and contains entertaining insights. Hellinger blends storytelling and transcript material to demonstrate and unfold his theory giving hope and ammunition for healing family dynamics.

For me chapter one alone is worth the price. As a group facilitator, Hellinger's insight on the how the system balances and how to approach it from the practitioner's point of view reveals a lot of system thinking in family/group situation. I particularly appreciate he sees his role as a Tao Master, which is really doing something by doing nothing. This book is now in Chinese and we have a study group and an on-going practitioner's group around the topic.

Love's Hidden Symmetry is a book that will change your life. Bert Hellinger's wisdom, the love that shines through everything he says and does will touch the reader's soul. His work with family constellations is the most effective, gentle and graceful tool for re-creating harmony in our troubled family lives. A must for anyone interested in therapy and personal growth.

Frank Arjava Petter, author

I had therapeutic results just reading the book. Bert Hellinger reveals Truths that make a shift in one's heart that effects how we react to others and how they respond or react to us.
Hellinger explains how injuries in one individuals' emotional field can effect someone else in the system, often for several generations. He also shows how one individual can "balance" the system. No one has to change, one only does what needs to be done. For example, a mother may have a hurt from her reaction to her husband, and tell a son, "your father is no good." She may also tell the son, "you are just like your father", so the son feels rejected by the mother, that there is something wrong with his father and him. He may turn to drugs or alcohol to cover the feelings of unworthiness, and no amount of rehab will work until the family system is balanced and love is reconciled.
Hellinger shows how these fields impact us, causing us to behave in destructive ways. When one "sees" what is going on, without moral judgement, and just does what needs to be done, amazing healing can happen in the whole system.
The work is quite profound. It is not an easy or fast read. It is a book that you read a few chapters and process the information; then you read it again and again.

This book is book is blessed with a depth of understanding rarely seen. Though parts of it may seem outragous at times, upon reflection often show an understanding of famly dynamics at a much deeper level. 'Love's Hidden Symmetry' describes very skillfully some of the immensly profound material laid bear by Bert Hellinger. Definately worth reading, though this should be done slowly and with much thought.

For MDs, psychologists, counselors of all kind, and psychotherapists, here is the basic text for Family Constellation work. My experience over the last few years with Family Constellations suggests that it is the most dynamic development in the field of psychological and physical healing in decades. The book is a flowing combination of narrative, anecdotes, transcripts and didactic material, illustrating how members of families carry each others traumas and misunderstandings, often for generations, and how these are resolved through re-establishing the proper "orders of Love". The theme of the book is much broader and deeper than "How To Have A Good Relationship". It is about the unacknowledged rules of love and relationship and the restoration of integrity to family and relationship systems.
I have consistently seen long term psychological and physical problems which have not responded to other forms of healing be resolved in a single constellation. Everyone in counseling work needs to read this book, and understand this material.
Oddly enough, when you consider how popular psychotherapy is in the United States, we are just about the last country on the planet to recognize and embrace the merit of Bert Hellinger's work.

was hoping to find some of bert hellingers work on audio

the cassette series connected to this is not about bert helinger it is:

Frankl Archive Set (8 Audio Tapes) [Audiobook] [Audio Cassette]
Victor Frankl (Author)
Tape 1. Logotherapy as a Psychotherapeutic Technique. (University of Illinois, Feb. 1963) This tape presents an essential explication of the methods of Logotherapy. Learn to use dereflection and paradoxical intention. Understand the application of these methods with OCD and suicidal patients. Learn about the fundamentals of Logotherapy with schizophrenics. Frankl describes applications and limitations of the methods he founded, and he elucidates them with case reports. Lecture and Q&A session. Excellent audio quality.

Tape 2. Mans Need and Search for Values. (Religion in Education Foundation, Oct. 1963) Frankl makes preliminary remarks and then is the subject of a discussion with knowledgeable experts who challenge him to reveal the essentials of his philosophy. Frankl distinguishes between values and meaning, elucidating the distinction between objective and subjective meaning. This tape affords an opportunity to experience his passion and scope. Lecture and Q&A session. Superb audio quality.

Tape 3. The Pluralism of Science and the Unity of Man. (University of Vienna, May 1965) We are damned by the limitations of our lenses and redeemed by the depth of our vision. In this wide-ranging lecture, Frankl alerts us to the danger of reductionism in science and psychotherapy. He describes the need for a unitary perspective that encompasses basic human strivings. Lecture. Fair audio quality.

Tape 4. The Concept of Man in Logotherapy. (Iowa, Nov. 1965) Here, Frankl offers a profound and articulate of vision of the transcendental nature of man. Inspiring and edifying, Frankl is the poet laureate of meaning. Quoting from the masters, he demonstrates the heights of his existential perspective. Lecture. Excellent audio quality.

Tape 5. Public Lecture. (Neurological Policlinic of Vienna, circa 1960) This tape features two lectures, one of 30 minutes on the philosophy underlying Logotherapy, and one of 20 minutes consisting of a clinical presentation on the collective neuroses of our time. Together, they bring listeners Frankl at his best. He is clear, erudite, insightful, original and inspiring. Superb audio quality.

Tape 6. The Meaning of Suffering. (Los Angeles, Jan. 1983) Frankl discusses how meaning can be found regardless of age, socioeconomic status, or race. Meaning is possible in spite of suffering: Despair is suffering without meaning. Frankls case for optimism, or belief in the possibility of meaning even in the worst of circumstances, is explicated. Two-part lecture and Q&A session. Good audio quality.

Tape 7. The Unheard Cry for Meaning. (Public Lecture, Massey Hall, Toronto, June 1977) Frankl discusses how feelings of meaninglessness and emptiness (the existential vacuum) are related to suicide, and how man will choose to take his life if he feels that life has no meaning. He also touches here on what he has characterized as the mass neurotic triad - depression, aggression and addiction - phenomena which only can be understood, he says, in light of the existential vacuum that underlies them. Lecture. Good audio quality.

Tape 8. San Quentin Lecture. (San Quentin Prison, California, May 1966) Frankl discusses how man fulfills meaning and that meaning must be found, it cannot be given. Conscience is the intuitive capacity of man. Frankl also describes three distinct ways of discovering meaning: by doing or creating something, by experiencing something or encountering someone; and by choosing ones attitude toward suffering. Lecture. Good audio quality.

I read this book over five years. It took me that long to digest it completely. It's sometimes shocking and always transforming. They should teach this book in school. It might also be called: how to meet everything that life is asking of you.