Customer Reviews

Loving Men More, Needing Men Less

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Judith tells women how to love the man we choose for who he is rather than for who he should be. We cannot change HIM, only our own interpretations. She calls this "refocusing", moving our thinking from "What's wrong with him?" to "What is it I need, and do I necessarily need it from him?" She gives us scenarios of different couples' ways of communicating from doing laundry to watching sports, which are familiar and funny. She teaches us, not submission, but how to help ourselves become more interdependent with our mate, allowing us to love him more, need him less.

This book shows me how to be more tolerant of the man in my life. My expectations can be pretty high--almost unrealistic. I am reminded to let my signifcant other have his shortcomings while allowing some of my needs to be met though other people and, that the only one I can change is myself. It is one of the best relationship books on how to co-exist with another human being and still be a loving mate. Judith Sills is insightful and skilled in her professional life and with her writing, she's one of my favorite "how-to" authors.

Judith Sills tells us how we can change our relationships with men by Refocusing, Reframing, and Responding Differently to our man's behavior. And since Sills says it better than I can, I'll quote a few sentences from her first chapter:

"Focusing on men has taken us as far as it can. This book is written directly to women, and just about women, so that we can turn the corner. The way we turn the corner is that we let go of the idea of getting to love by helping men to change. In our all-too-understandable obsession with getting more of what we need and what we are reasonably entitled to in a relationship, we have overlooked a key psychological truth: ** relationships depend far less on whom we choose than on who we are.**.... You are the single most important factor in whom you choose to love, and in what you experience in return. Love is a measure of your own inner stretch..."

If that paragraph intrigues you, you'll find much of value here. Throughout the rest of the book, she'll gently -- and a little philosophically -- show you how you can help yourself to stretch further.

And despite her statement that she is writing for women on the topic of romantic love, much of what she says about love applies in family and friend relationships as well.

Like so many of us, I've read a vast list of "relationship" books and most have a least a few decent pieces of advice to help gain perspective. However, Judith Sills' straight forward delivery of her blended "old world" and "new world" view of how women apply themselves in relationships REALLY resonated with me personally. I have to admit, it's taken maturity, spirituality and many failed relationships for me to understand how absolutely SOLID Judith's guidance is. I don't know that I would have found it as pertinent when I was 30 and still fighting to find my way but at 40+... this book has been the single best read I've stumbled across in quite some time! I'd say I wish I would have read it sooner but I think it found me at precisely the right time. Thank you, Judith, sincerely.