Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger's Syndrome [Paperback]

Barbara Jacobs (Author), Tony Attwood (Foreword)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 1, 2004

As a popular advice columnist in the UK, Barbara Jacobs never suspected she'd be the one needing the relationship advice. But when she fell in love with Danny, a man with Asperger's Syndrome, she quickly learned to expect the unexpected. In this book, Barbara candidly delves into the dynamics of their relationship. She lovingly compares Danny to Mr. Spock, a character who thrives on logic rather than emotion, while admitting that she was quite opposite. Join Barbara and Danny on their tumultuous journey in love, and learn about Asperger's along the way through figures, diagnostic guidelines, quotes and surveys by other couples, and more. If you love someone with Asperger's, or have Asperger's yourself, you can learn a lot from this book. Note: This book addresses some mature topics.

Helpful chapters include:

• The Handsome Stranger Syndrome
• First Steps in a Parallel Universe 
• Other-wired
• Bringing Up Baby
• A Working Model
• Breakthrough
• Nuts and Bolts

Editorial Reviews

Review

“A searingly honest account of the difficulties faced when people who are differently wired come together!”
David Potter, National Autistic Society
 

“It is a must for all those with an autism spectrum disorder in their midst!”
Christopher Gillberg, Advisor to the World Health Organization

 

“When Barbara met Danny, she immediately recognized that he was not a typical young man and certainly not her equal in terms of social understanding. . . . Danny found in Barbara his mentor, social interpreter and someone to mother and father him. . . . The story of their relationship is written in the style of a conversation between the author and the reader as though you are best friends. Barbara discovers Danny’s diagnosis after she fell in love with him, and her journey of exploration, of a parallel universe inhabited by those similar to Mr Spock, who prioritize logic and facts over emotion and intuition, is a fascinating and entrancing story. The reader will become knowledgeable in the nature of Asperger’s Syndrome, not only from reading about Barbara’s observations, insight and experiences but also from reading her review of the academic literature and the quotations from other adults with Asperger’s Syndrome. She has also conducted a small survey of couples where one partner has Asperger’s Syndrome to compare experiences, and provide a list of resources for more information and support. . . . Those who have Asperger’s Syndrome will also value Loving Mr Spock."

 

About the Author

Barbara Jacobs is a psychologist, broadcaster, and lecturer. She is the author of eight novels for young adults, including the prizewinning, Stick. As one of the most respected advice columnists in the UK, she has written regular columns for many national newspapers and magazines including Good Housekeeping, Now, and Good Health. Barbara lives in Liverpool and has a son, Luke.

 

Product Details

• Paperback: 343 pages
• Publisher: Future Horizons (December 1, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1932565205
• ISBN-13: 978-1932565201
• Product Dimensions: 7.7 x 5.2 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #353,553 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Barbara Jacobs is a professional writer, lecturer, broadcaster and researcher, who has recently completed a late-life PhD on autistic intelligence. She is a journalist, who has written novels for young adults, and a highly-respected advice columnist in the UK. Her passions are autism, and soccer.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

39 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Intelligent Life Here!, April 26, 2005

By 

BeatleBangs1964 (United States) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger's Syndrome (Paperback)

This is a brilliant work about being in an intimate relationship with a person who has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). AS is a neurobiological condition that affects sensory processing/integration and is on the autism spectrum. It also affects communication.

Many people on the a/A spectrum don't care for hugs and find them intrusive and just endure them to appease others. For many people with AS, hugs can be a sensory onslaught that can include an aversion for the feel of scratchy beards; perfume or body odor; the feel of the hugger's clothing and the feel of being enclosed in a seemingly "restrictive" fashion. Many children on the a/A spectrum dislike loud displays of affection. For neurotypical (NT) counterparts, the natural response when confronted with an adverse response to hugs is to draw the erroneous conclusion that people on the a/A spectrum are devoid of affection.

The book takes its title from the Beatle coiffed character Mr. Spock of "Star Trek" fame. The title character, Mr. Spock is clinical, analytical and seemingly devoid of emotion. Sadly, a misperception that people with AS lack emotion still exists. The term "Mr. Spock," when applied to persons on the a/A spectrum was humorous. People with AS often have a novel way of making assessments and that can be found in the following example. I knew a Beatle fan, a young boy with AS who said of Mr. Spock, "He has a Beatle haircut and so do I. He's like me because of that and because he can figure things out. I read that the guy who made Mr. Spock up likes the Beatles." I like his reasoning.

Since AS is a sensory condition, feeling is what underscores a/A (autism/Asperger's) behavior and responses. Meeting the needs of all involved, the NT and the person on the a/A spectrum can be found in this book. People on the spectrum have heightened sensory modes; sounds are amplified; odors are stronger; tastes are more pungent and tactile contact more intense. The "Mr. Spock" syndrome comes into play because for many people on the spectrum, regulating emotions and "decoding" the facial expressions and responses of others is difficult. "Coming even" after being bombarded with sensory stimuli often appears in a blunted affect which again reinforces the "Mr. Spock" syndrome.

Still, this is an excellent book for adults on the spectrum and for those directly involved with them. It brings to mind June Carter Cash's beautiful words of loving fairness, "I'll meet you halfway." We need more books like this.

31 of 33 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars The Minority, January 28, 2006

By 

Suz "treadingwater" (Freeland, United Kingdom) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger's Syndrome (Paperback)

Looking at other reviews I seem to be the only person who doesn't like this book very much. I think that is mostly because it just isn't the sort of story I enjoy or identify with, and that may be partly because I have AS myself... I don't know. I think a lot of people would enjoy this book though, particularly women who have experienced failed relationships with AS men and who would identify with the author and may find it reassuring that the break down of the relationship was about mutual incompatibility rather than any failing on their part. However, I wouldn't recommend this as the first or only book you read on Asperger's Syndrome. This is just one person's story told from a specific perspective. It's good for what it is but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of people forming opinions about someone like me based solely upon it.

21 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Heartfelt and very real book on Aspergers, January 3, 2007

By 

J. M. Amor "IslandMeg" (Kailua-Kona, HI USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger's Syndrome (Paperback)

This book was brilliant in it's clearness right from the start on Aspergers and the way it manifests in people. Right from the beginning - I found myself going ... yes, that's my ex, and that, and that. Having someone else so clearly identify things was amazing. It is written from the perspective of someone who fell in love with someone with Aspergers and the things that happened. It helped me enormously understand 3 of my ex's who are on different levels with Aspergers. And 2 of whom I suspected. But my last one I was deeply baffled by for a long time until I had an inkling about Aspergers.

Like the writer of this book. I am also involved in psychology. But found it just baffling at times WHAT was actually going on. Things didn't fit together. I spent a long time puzzling over various things that just didn't gel on some level with my last man. 'One of these things does not go with the other'. A kind and caring man in many ways which yes, was one of the big attractions to him in the first place as others have also noted.

But when faced with me standing there with tears streaming down my cheeks. Told me to 'have a nice day'. In retrospect - I can see he knew he needed to say something 'nice' to make me feel better. So came up with a phrase that in his mind went with saying something nice. Totally inappropriate and yet funny in retrospect. But utterly unbelievable at the time it happened. Even when I said. I am standing here with tears streaming down my cheeks. Do you think I'm going to have a nice day? The confusion was very evident. It just didn't all go together for him. He'd been saying something he knew was 'nice'. Why didn't that work? Why did I have a problem with that?

This book I read cover to cover in one sitting. It covers so many things about Aspergers and from a non-clinical but still very informative viewpoint. I understood my whole relationship with my ex from start to finish with this book. It all just fell into place. A truly amazing book that is told with love I feel. Thank you.