Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding an Aloof Lover: Could It Be Asperger's? (Paperback)

by Barbara Jacobs (Author) "Danny wasn't the kind of man you would obviously fall for..." (more)
Key Phrases: central coherence, classic autism, autistic spectrum disorders, Marc Segar, Theory of Mind, Tony Attwood (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
As a popular advice columnist in the UK, Barbara Jacobs never suspected she'd be the one needing the relationship advice. But when she fell in love with Danny, a man with Asperger's Syndrome, she quickly learned to expect the unexpected. In this book, Barbara candidly delves into the dynamics of their relationship. She lovingly compares Danny to Mr. Spock, a character who thrives on logic rather than emotion, while admitting that she was quite opposite. Join Barbara and Danny on their tumultuous journey in love, and learn about Asperger's along the way through figures, diagnostic guidelines, quotes and surveys by other couples, and more. If you love someone with Asperger's, or have Asperger's yourself, you can learn a lot from this book. Note: This book addresses some mature topics.

About the Author
Barbara and Leonard Jacobs have studied culinary arts for over two decades with an emphasis on natural vegetarian based meals. They have managed restaurants, studies with master chefs, and taught cooks to hundreds of students.

Product Details

• Paperback
• Publisher: Future Horizons (December 1, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1932565205
• ISBN-13: 978-1932565201
• Product Dimensions: 7.7 x 5.1 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #375,785 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

34 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Intelligent Life Here!, April 26, 2005

By	BeatleBangs1964 (United States) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)

This is a brilliant work about being in an intimate relationship with a person who has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). AS is a neurobiological condition that affects sensory processing/integration and is on the autism spectrum. It also affects communication.

Many people on the a/A spectrum don't care for hugs and find them intrusive and just endure them to appease others. For many people with AS, hugs can be a sensory onslaught that can include an aversion for the feel of scratchy beards; perfume or body odor; the feel of the hugger's clothing and the feel of being enclosed in a seemingly "restrictive" fashion. Many children on the a/A spectrum dislike loud displays of affection. For neurotypical (NT) counterparts, the natural response when confronted with an adverse response to hugs is to draw the erroneous conclusion that people on the a/A spectrum are devoid of affection.

The book takes its title from the Beatle coiffed character Mr. Spock of "Star Trek" fame. The title character, Mr. Spock is clinical, analytical and seemingly devoid of emotion. Sadly, a misperception that people with AS lack emotion still exists. The term "Mr. Spock," when applied to persons on the a/A spectrum was humorous. People with AS often have a novel way of making assessments and that can be found in the following example. I knew a Beatle fan, a young boy with AS who said of Mr. Spock, "He has a Beatle haircut and so do I. He's like me because of that and because he can figure things out. I read that the guy who made Mr. Spock up likes the Beatles." I like his reasoning.

Since AS is a sensory condition, feeling is what underscores a/A (autism/Asperger's) behavior and responses. Meeting the needs of all involved, the NT and the person on the a/A spectrum can be found in this book. People on the spectrum have heightened sensory modes; sounds are amplified; odors are stronger; tastes are more pungent and tactile contact more intense. The "Mr. Spock" syndrome comes into play because for many people on the spectrum, regulating emotions and "decoding" the facial expressions and responses of others is difficult. "Coming even" after being bombarded with sensory stimuli often appears in a blunted affect which again reinforces the "Mr. Spock" syndrome.

Still, this is an excellent book for adults on the spectrum and for those directly involved with them. It brings to mind June Carter Cash's beautiful words of loving fairness, "I'll meet you halfway." We need more books like this.

19 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars The Minority, January 28, 2006

By	Suz "treadingwater" (Britain) - See all my reviews

Looking at other reviews I seem to be the only person who doesn't like this book very much. I think that is mostly because it just isn't the sort of story I enjoy or identify with, and that may be partly because I have AS myself... I don't know. I think a lot of people would enjoy this book though, particularly women who have experienced failed relationships with AS men and who would identify with the author and may find it reassuring that the break down of the relationship was about mutual incompatibility rather than any failing on their part. However, I wouldn't recommend this as the first or only book you read on Asperger's Syndrome. This is just one person's story told from a specific perspective. It's good for what it is but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of people forming opinions about someone like me based solely upon it.

17 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Heartfelt and very real book on Aspergers, January 3, 2007

By	Justine O. Calverley "IslandMeg" (Kailua-Kona, HI USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This book was brilliant in it's clearness right from the start on Aspergers and the way it manifests in people. Right from the beginning - I found myself going ... yes, that's my ex, and that, and that. Having someone else so clearly identify things was amazing. It is written from the perspective of someone who fell in love with someone with Aspergers and the things that happened. It helped me enormously understand 3 of my ex's who are on different levels with Aspergers. And 2 of whom I suspected. But my last one I was deeply baffled by for a long time until I had an inkling about Aspergers.

Like the writer of this book. I am also involved in psychology. But found it just baffling at times WHAT was actually going on. Things didn't fit together. I spent a long time puzzling over various things that just didn't gel on some level with my last man. 'One of these things does not go with the other'. A kind and caring man in many ways which yes, was one of the big attractions to him in the first place as others have also noted.

But when faced with me standing there with tears streaming down my cheeks. Told me to 'have a nice day'. In retrospect - I can see he knew he needed to say something 'nice' to make me feel better. So came up with a phrase that in his mind went with saying something nice. Totally inappropriate and yet funny in retrospect. But utterly unbelievable at the time it happened. Even when I said. I am standing here with tears streaming down my cheeks. Do you think I'm going to have a nice day? The confusion was very evident. It just didn't all go together for him. He'd been saying something he knew was 'nice'. Why didn't that work? Why did I have a problem with that?

This book I read cover to cover in one sitting. It covers so many things about Aspergers and from a non-clinical but still very informative viewpoint. I understood my whole relationship with my ex from start to finish with this book. It all just fell into place. A truly amazing book that is told with love I feel. Thank you.