Customer Reviews

Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger's Syndrome

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This is a brilliant work about being in an intimate relationship with a person who has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). AS is a neurobiological condition that affects sensory processing/integration and is on the autism spectrum. It also affects communication.

Many people on the a/A spectrum don't care for hugs and find them intrusive and just endure them to appease others. For many people with AS, hugs can be a sensory onslaught that can include an aversion for the feel of scratchy beards; perfume or body odor; the feel of the hugger's clothing and the feel of being enclosed in a seemingly "restrictive" fashion. Many children on the a/A spectrum dislike loud displays of affection. For neurotypical (NT) counterparts, the natural response when confronted with an adverse response to hugs is to draw the erroneous conclusion that people on the a/A spectrum are devoid of affection.

The book takes its title from the Beatle coiffed character Mr. Spock of "Star Trek" fame. The title character, Mr. Spock is clinical, analytical and seemingly devoid of emotion. Sadly, a misperception that people with AS lack emotion still exists. The term "Mr. Spock," when applied to persons on the a/A spectrum was humorous. People with AS often have a novel way of making assessments and that can be found in the following example. I knew a Beatle fan, a young boy with AS who said of Mr. Spock, "He has a Beatle haircut and so do I. He's like me because of that and because he can figure things out. I read that the guy who made Mr. Spock up likes the Beatles." I like his reasoning.

Since AS is a sensory condition, feeling is what underscores a/A (autism/Asperger's) behavior and responses. Meeting the needs of all involved, the NT and the person on the a/A spectrum can be found in this book. People on the spectrum have heightened sensory modes; sounds are amplified; odors are stronger; tastes are more pungent and tactile contact more intense. The "Mr. Spock" syndrome comes into play because for many people on the spectrum, regulating emotions and "decoding" the facial expressions and responses of others is difficult. "Coming even" after being bombarded with sensory stimuli often appears in a blunted affect which again reinforces the "Mr. Spock" syndrome.

Still, this is an excellent book for adults on the spectrum and for those directly involved with them. It brings to mind June Carter Cash's beautiful words of loving fairness, "I'll meet you halfway." We need more books like this.

Looking at other reviews I seem to be the only person who doesn't like this book very much. I think that is mostly because it just isn't the sort of story I enjoy or identify with, and that may be partly because I have AS myself... I don't know. I think a lot of people would enjoy this book though, particularly women who have experienced failed relationships with AS men and who would identify with the author and may find it reassuring that the break down of the relationship was about mutual incompatibility rather than any failing on their part. However, I wouldn't recommend this as the first or only book you read on Asperger's Syndrome. This is just one person's story told from a specific perspective. It's good for what it is but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of people forming opinions about someone like me based solely upon it.

This book was brilliant in it's clearness right from the start on Aspergers and the way it manifests in people. Right from the beginning - I found myself going ... yes, that's my ex, and that, and that. Having someone else so clearly identify things was amazing. It is written from the perspective of someone who fell in love with someone with Aspergers and the things that happened. It helped me enormously understand 3 of my ex's who are on different levels with Aspergers. And 2 of whom I suspected. But my last one I was deeply baffled by for a long time until I had an inkling about Aspergers.

Like the writer of this book. I am also involved in psychology. But found it just baffling at times WHAT was actually going on. Things didn't fit together. I spent a long time puzzling over various things that just didn't gel on some level with my last man. 'One of these things does not go with the other'. A kind and caring man in many ways which yes, was one of the big attractions to him in the first place as others have also noted.

But when faced with me standing there with tears streaming down my cheeks. Told me to 'have a nice day'. In retrospect - I can see he knew he needed to say something 'nice' to make me feel better. So came up with a phrase that in his mind went with saying something nice. Totally inappropriate and yet funny in retrospect. But utterly unbelievable at the time it happened. Even when I said. I am standing here with tears streaming down my cheeks. Do you think I'm going to have a nice day? The confusion was very evident. It just didn't all go together for him. He'd been saying something he knew was 'nice'. Why didn't that work? Why did I have a problem with that?

This book I read cover to cover in one sitting. It covers so many things about Aspergers and from a non-clinical but still very informative viewpoint. I understood my whole relationship with my ex from start to finish with this book. It all just fell into place. A truly amazing book that is told with love I feel. Thank you.

Like the book "Curious Incident", this text explores the nature of relationships with Asperger Syndrome "differently wired", people, as Jacobs describes them. In this book the relationship is real and the Authors own love affair with an erratic, loving, unfathomable and self destructive man.
It is written with eloquence and enormmous emotion and combines clinical information with an engaging and difficult story. This book should be essential clinical/psychological/psychiatric training material but it is also so much more than a reference text for unintiated clinicians. It is also a beautifully written and difficult story and while Jacobs tells you frankly of her pain it seems her ultimate task is to understand the lover who nearly destroyed her and himself and to raise our understanding of these castigated and misunderstood people. Excellent.

This fantastic very informative read was well written and referenced. There are a number of very useful assessment tools in this book and a vast amount of very helpful information for those Aspies without a formal diagnosis (my partner being one of them). An essential guide and support for any one in a relationship with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome traits.

I really have enjoyed reading this book as I feel as if Jacobs is sitting down with me and telling me her story. It is informative and it gives the reader an excellent overview of what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who has Aspergers. I think that anyone who is dating or is married to someone with Autism/Aspergers should read this book. It helps to know that you are not alone and gives you tips on how you can handle situations when they arise. I also appreciate Jacobs links to websites of the people she refers to in her book.

I found the book to be interesting, as an account of another person's relationship, but the relationship did not convince me as being Asperger's. The author admitted she only guessed her former partner had Asperger's. My relationship is completely different in many ways, so I could not relate to her very much. Perhaps there is wide variance in Asperger's; perhaps he was not an Aspie at all.

If you are interested in reading about other people's relationships, this is interesting and might as well be fiction. If you want to really connect and learn about Asperger's syndrome I DO NOT reccomend this book.