The Great Gift of Parenting
I couldn't believe it. Here I was on St. Valentine's Day, a day devoted to love, reading an article in the New York Times Magazine -- and getting nervous - about a growing movement in America to "discipline children." That's because I couldn't find any real love in it, and I've always believed that's the first thing parenting is about.
The piece told about "a tough-parenting movement" that is "telling permissive baby boomers they've been doing it all wrong." The growing number of proponents of this so-called affirmative-parenting movement seam to agree on two things: Babies have to be toilet trained by 2 years old. and physical punishment is just fine, beginning at 18 months, preferably spanking with ''a small piece of flexible leather of plastic to create a sting." What???
Fortunately, I also had been reading another book on parenting, one that relieved my dismay about a return to cruel rigidity in parent and child relations. I was attracted to this book immediately by the title, which I believe states a truth I always have believed -- that parenting is supposed to be a mutual love story.
This book, "Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves - How We Achieve Our Mutual Happiness and Fulfillment" is written by a father, Paul Zucker. It begins with raw honesty. "I came to consciousness in a rage. Standing over my cowering 4-year-old daughter, spewing venom and hate, yelling...How could I be doing this to my precious daughter, who had opened up my eyes and heart to a new-found capacity to feel and experience love?'
Zucker goes on to tell of his journey over the next eight years to become the parent he believes all parents should be - one who moves on "from thinking 'I love' to being an instrument of love." He learned that loving is "the act of nurturing others to express and know themselves.'' He also discovered something I believe the saints passed down to us --The Great Gift of Parenting (As appeared in the Catholic Free Press, March 5, 1999)
Parenting Columnist Recommends One Book Above All Others
Throughout my years of writing, I have come across many excellent books on parenting, and have found equally as many questions from parents who have an idea of what they want to change, but not how to go about it. One of the reasons I am so anxious to write about Paul Zucker's Loving Ourselves, Loving Our Children (How We Achieve Our Mutual Happiness and Fulfillment) is that it addresses this very major concern through questionnaires at the beginning of the chapters about how you see yourself within a specific area of parenting, and practical ways of applying these principles on which you just evaluated yourself.
Paul's book emphasizes the importance of the parent being balanced, nurtured and centered while raising a family. Without this often overÂlooked concept, no matter what form of parenting you choose to incorporate in your home, you and your children are not going to thrive. Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves is full of insights about what we are hiding from ourselves as parents and as humans. It asks the right questions about what we are doing, as opposed to what we think we are doing and about what our goals are. Basically, it takes our heads out of the sand, and helps us to really see why our children are not turning out the way we would like to see them turn out.
Paul eloquently discusses why children rebel by mentioning and discussing their innate freedom-seeking desires, which too often are looked upon by parents as something to control, thus exacerbating the situation. He talks of how essential it is to know when a parent is self-responsible and has finally accepted it. Once the parent truly attains self-responsibility many power struggles and unending parenting songs and dances are no longer part of daily life.
He mentions how and why so many children grow up feeling unworthy even within the most "together" of households. Also noteworthy is what he points out about changing children's negative behavior, even when you are practicing the new skills. Change will take some time. I know that personally, if I don't get immediate results, I feel I am not doing something right.
Not until now have I been able to wholeheartedly recommend a parenting book where I can say that if a parent is serious in that he/she wants to raise very well-adjusted, happy and thriving children, and makes a commitment to it, using this book to achieve that goal will get you there.
--Laurie Abbo, The Reporter News, February, 2001
Stork Net's Bookshelf - Book Reviews & Interviews
There is an old saying which notes that you cannot truly love another until you learn to love yourself. The truth of this is never more apparent than in trying to have a relationship or raise a child.
Paul Zucker's book Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves - How We Achieve Our Mutual Happiness and Fulfillment is a guide to learning to love and accept ourselves, our families and our friends in order to have a more joyful and content life experience.
The basic principles in the book are honesty, allowing ourselves to feel, and teaching and guiding our children toward a happy and independent adulthood. The lessons are taught in a gentle and compassionate way without having to resort to punishments or demeaning behavior on the part of the parent or the child. Zucker makes it clear that children should be a cherished part of our lives and not merely a burden or an obligation.
"There is no greater gift we can give our children than help them connect their talents with their passion." (Chapter 4, pg. 99) This quote sums up much of what this book has to offer: concrete and sensible ways to communicate to our children the rainbow of colors that make up life and all its facets. The author also imparts wisdom to take with us through parenthood, which is that one of the greatest joys to be found is love, pride and compassion for ourselves in whatever we choose to do.
Zucker gives a wonderful set of guidelines on how to be honest with your children and others in a meaningful and connective way. His respect for children as people in their own right is apparent throughout the book. One of his commitments says, "Today I will deepen my relationship with my children by not just relating to them as a parent but as a human being." (Chapter 2, pg. 55). His message is to remember that as human beings, we make mistakes, get angry, sad or cry. He teaches us to take responsibility for our feelings and actions and not make our children responsible for them.
"Each day I will remind myself that my children are born with an individual temperament that is neither inherently bad or good." (Chapter 8, pg. 198) The chapter on Happiness and Fulfillment strives to remind parents that these little beings we are charged with raising come ready equipped with their own personalities, and that our job is not to change those personalities but, rather, to mold a good person out of the clay you are given, and to respect their individuality in doing so. The subtitle of the chapter is Actualization and it is defined as dealing with reality and not with what could have been, or unrealistic ideals which can come with our own expectations.
Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves is inspiring and eye opening in its attempt to help us understand human nature specifically as it pertains to the parent/child relationship and the complexities inherent in that relationship. It is a wonderful guide to gentle, respectful and positive parenting.
--Stork Net's Bookshelf - Book Reviews & Interviews
