Customer Reviews

Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

This book might have been better titled Living With the Self-Absorbed. Sometimes a person must live with or continue to have a relationship with a self-absorbed person, and this book is very helpful in that aspect. It is extremely difficult to love someone who is capable of loving only him or herself, but this books presents ways to live and deal with this person without losing one's sense of self. There are exercises provided that can also help the reader improve their own relationship skills, not only with the self-absorbed, but with others as well. The most effective way to deal with the self-absorbed is not to have to deal with them at all. If that is not an option, this book is worth reading to help the reader keep his or her perspective and reality intact, which is a challenge when living with the self-absorbed.

This book does an admirable job of validating what anyone who's been in close consort with someone with NPD already knows. It's also laugh-out-loud funny! It describes scenarios that the "experienced" will recognize immediately. Then it tells us how to 'cope'; how to create and don emotional insulation, etc. The question then becomes, "Why would anyone want to do this?" Life's about choices. If you're trying to come to a "decision" about remaining in a relationship with a narcissist, then this book will let you know what you'll have to do to try to keep some sanity! It gives no "advice" but, having been there, I will - "run like hell and never look back".

I agree wholeheartidly with the reviewer who asked Why would you try to have a relationship with a person who is narcistic, they are completely devoid of empathy. (etc). Indeed, if you even suspect that your potential partner is narcisitic, run for your life! However, if your situation is similar to mine, this book is a godsend. I married at a very young age my first boyfriend, when I got pregnant after just a couple months of dating. He had a reputation of being a "communist swine", but I thought he was just misunderstood. (...) Being very young (=stupid) and being able to get along with all kinds of people, I underestimated what marriage ment. His abusive behaviour, present from the very start of the relationship, kept getting worse, especially when he felt his most prized posesion, ie his trophy wife, was too independent or withdrawn. (I was avoiding him as much as I could.) During the last 8 years of marriage, about once a month he initiated confrontations where he used both emotional manipulation and physical intimidation (either holding me against my will or pushing me with his stomach into the corner of the kitchen). I am not sure if anyone who did not experience a 6'3", 300 lbs closing in on her 125pounds can understand how unsetlling such an act is. Anyway, after these periodic confrontations, I always became moderately to severely depressed and it took me weeks to climb out of the hole. The marriage lasted 16 years. All that time, I thougth I was failing at something, and the fact that I could not get through to him was a source of frustration and helplessness, if not despere.

After the divorce I still have to have contact with my ex. (children). But even if I did not, I had emotional scars resulting from that relationship. This book was extremely helpful to me. Not only did it describe my ex'es behaviour, it also showed how I was "collaborating" with his destructiveness. It also validated that such people are extremely difficult to deal with (this was very helpful to me personally). Finally, the book includes a number of coping mechanism. Some of these are ***COUNTER*** to how any reasonable people interact. From my personal experience I can say that the suggestions made in the book are dead on. (In retrospect, this explains why my attempts to communicate, work out issues etc with my ex were always futile.) Since the best what you can do when dealing with a person of this nature is so contrary to everything we are tought since we're babies, this book can help change your life.

Thanks to this book I am now able to survive with just minor irritations encounters with my ex. I am facing another challenge: I found out first hand yesterday that he is now using the same methods on the children. How do you empower an 8 year old and a teeneager so that they are equipped to deal with a destructive father? Nina, please write another book quickly. :)

Although I gave "Children of the Self Absorbed" high marks, I feel Nina Brown has made a grave error in writing this book.
There is no way to a have a mutually satisfying relationship with a partner who has narcissistic personality disorder. These "people" are void of empathy and are the center of their own universe. You are nothing more than supply to them, you are there to serve their egos. If you take Brown's advise here and stop "feeding " them, they move on to a new victim. They can not love anyone and will not love you. I suppose if this is what you're looking for and you don't mind being an object, not a person, go for it. I just can't imagine why anyone who knows the insidious nature of narcissism, would ever want to teach you how to have a relationship with one. Narcissists are abusers and you need to remove yourself from their grasp, not learn how to live within it.

First off - I am grateful to this book for concisely identifying what it is I am dealing with. Regardless of the critics who say "why would you want to stay?" - this book has tremendous value in helping one to identify the various manifestations of narcissism.

This is an important premise of this book - that narcissism is not an all or nothing thing. She posits that - short of the full-blown NPD - there are more subtle shades of "destructive" narcissistic traits. And within these subtle traits are various sub-types. These insights have been very significant for me in that my wife is not a full-blown NPD and most of the reading I have found seems to only deal with the extreme - DSM-defined - personality disorder.

She provides checklists that are very useful in identifying subtle nuanced behaviours. Things I had felt vaguely uneasy about for a long time came into clear focus. She also provided checklists to help identify my 'collaborative' behaviours. This does not, however, have the effect of blaming the victim. Rather it provides some clarity on the previous 'crazy-making' behaviour and my part in that dynamic (for example, as a conciliator and one who tries to anticipate the needs of others - I play right into the hands of my wife's narcissistic tendency's).

The author outlines the various sub-types of destructive narcissists and by understanding my wife's specific 'hungry' narcissistic traits - I now have far better insight and possibly some improved coping skills in dealing. It was affirming to me that some of the 'counterintuitive' coping skills I had already developed (purely as defense-mechanisms) were in fact the kinds of things that were recommended.

Whatever one's ultimate choice is (ie to stay or go) this book will provide invaluable guidance for how to cope with the process and with your partner - now and in the future.

I would suggest a new title: "Surviving the Self Absorbed" to be more accurate. Albeit, Brown states upfront that she assumes the decision to stay in the relationship has already been made. Yet, she uses the rest of the 182 pages to illustrate how a 'relationship' is impossible. Her descriptions of the roller coaster ride of living with a narcissist are right on, however, and the self-protection, insulation and detachment she suggests, beg the question, why would any sane person want to do this?

Other reviews mentioned the impossibility of having a relationship with a narcissistic person. Though their behavior can be abusive, learning to protect yourself from this abuse when it is unavoidable (a boss, an ex-partner whom you share children with, etc.) is important. Sometimes people, such as myself, choose to continue a marriage with a narcissistic individual. In this case, it is nice to know that you can protect yourself, you can live a life separate from the narcissist while also building on the positive of the relationship. I believe all individuals have good qualities and bad qualities, and really it comes down to what you, as an individual, can put up with.

This book is one of the best ones I've read about narcissistic personality disorder. I am a list person, and this book has lots of great lists to help you see your partner's AND YOUR narcissistic traits (yes, we all have them to some extent). It is a great guide.

I agree with many reviewers that say "why would you want to". However, I found this book to be very helpful because I have been able to identify several toxically self-absorbed people in my life (even in very spiritual circles) and now I can see them in a more realistic way.


Karen Anderson

It is not possible to have a satisfying relationship with a narcissistic partner. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to leave, immediately. You are in a psychologically abusive relationship which could turn physically abusive at any time. Narcissists do not love their victims. They only love themselves. They are great liars and con artists who use the pretense of "love" to get what they want. If you know that he is a narcissist, it is because you have found out his secret and know him for the liar that he is. You have already had your heart broken by his lying, cheating, substance abuse, con-man activities, and total lack of respect for you as a human being. He may renew the act for a while, persuading you to put your life on hold yet again. If you can get away before he takes all your money, self-respect, and even your friends from you you are lucky. Face it, the longer you stay, the harder it will be when you finally manage to leave, or, even more hurtful, your narcissist leaves you for a better source of narcissistic supply. If you have children with a narcissist he will use them against you, and they will grow up victims of his manipulations and lies. The longer you stay, the more you lose. Do not take the undignified and harmful advice offered in this book!

What does that mean? Why the convoluted language? Why not call it by its proper name, namely Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? Having read many excellent books on NPD (Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez Lewi, Ph.D., When your Perfect Partner goes Perfectly Wrong by Mary Jo Fay, Emotional Vampires by Albert Bernstein, Ph.D., and of course the bible on Narcissism, Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin), this book is a huge disappointment and in my opinion, totally useless. Its main focus is on the partner of the narcissist and how to change one's behavior; why should or would we? It's a lot of hard work and in the end, completely futile. An example of the author's distorted thinking, writing about Criticism and Blame by the narcissist and how to deal with it: "Appear to agree with the comments . . . Say you'll do better next time . . . Withdraw." Hello? This to me sounds a lot like blaming the victim and only perpetuates the abusive behavior of the narcissist. I am sorry that I wasted money and time on this book (though not too much time as I disgustedly flung it across my bedroom floor after reading part of it). This book is totally unrealistic, don't waste your good money on it. The bibliography for this book is extremely thin, and three of the books she cites as references are her own! A little narcissistic?
A couple of years ago I bought another book by this same author, "Children of the Self-Absorbed," and found it to be just as useless. In it she opines that if one grows up in a narcissistic family it automatically means that one also becomes a narcissist, which is absolutely not the case! I really question whether she has done any serious research on these subjects.