Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You [Paperback]

Daphne Rose Kingma (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 1, 2004

All the self-help books and advice, all the therapy and support groups, even the most fabulous, successful career in the world won't really help at all--until we learn to love ourselves. In Loving Yourself, Daphne Kingma claims that until we practice loving ourselves--and it takes a lot of practice--we will never be able to love others fully and completely. She writes, "When we haven't learned how to love ourselves well, we keep getting stuck on this simple first rung of the ladder--not knowing how or how well to treat others, having problems with what we call boundaries, stumbling in the swamps of low self-esteem and thickets of self-loathing that derail us in our efforts to 'love others as we love ourselves'." For so many of us, loving ourselves is our greatest emotional problem. Kingma points out that self-love is not narcissism, egotism, greed, self-righteousness, self-involvement, stubbornness, or conceit--all of which have given genuine self-love a bad name. "Rather, it is the singing spring from which we become who we were--each one of us--most truly meant to be."
Reading Loving Yourself, the reader takes a journey to their selves--a journey of how they lost their selves, and thereby their ability to love their selves. Kingma names six life themes--including abandonment, neglect, and abuse--that help readers identify themes in their lives and decide what to do with these themes as they discover them.
No matter what the reader's wound or life story is, Kingma shows--with gentle patience and intelligent advice--how each of us can start to love ourselves through a simple four-step process:
1. Speaking out of our heart's desires, 2. Acting out to meet them, 3. Clearing out old patterns, and 4. Setting out on a new path.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

A therapist who has made frequent guest appearances on Oprah and whose previous three books have sold over 200,000 copies each, Kingma (The Future of Love) believes that "loving yourself is the greatest work you will do in this life." For Kingma, self-love not only contributes to better relationships and personal achievements, but enhances the ability to be compassionate and generous toward others. Negative childhood experiences, such as abandonment or abuse, that one had no control over contribute to persistent self-defeating feelings of low self-esteem that follow one into adulthood. All of this will be familiar to most readers, as will the four steps Kingma recommends for overcoming patterns of self-criticism and moving toward self-acceptance: mastering the ability to speak out honestly; taking actions that lead to growth; carving out one's own emotional space without others' interference; and "setting out" or focusing on a path beyond the self, via spiritual or other pursuits. What sets Kingma's work apart is that she almost unerringly gets the tone of affirmation right: she encourages without condescension, shares anecdotes without self-aggrandizement or sentimentality, and composes her sentences with care. The results make readers feel as if Kingma has anticipated their needsâ€"exactly what one wants when receiving advice, especially when one has heard much of it before.
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About the Author

Daphne Rose Kingma is a psychotherapist who has counseled couples and individuals to a deeper understanding and improvement of their relationships for more than 25 years. She has appeared on national television shows including Oprah and Sally Jessy Raphael and is the best-selling author of many books including True Love, Finding True Love, and Loving Yourself. She lives in Santa Barbara, California.

Product Details

• Paperback: 192 pages
• Publisher: Conari Press (April 1, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1573249246
• ISBN-13: 978-1573249249
• Product Dimensions: 7 x 5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #85,480 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

An undisputed expert on matters of the heart, Daphne Rose Kingma has been a therapist for more than twenty-five years, and is a frequent guest on television programs like "Oprah," "Sally Jessy Raphael," and "Leeza." She is the author of six previous books, including the bestsellers Finding True Love and Coming Apart. Kingma lives in Santa Barbara, California.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Love Starts With You, April 3, 2007

By 

Katherine Alexandra, the Christian "St. Cathe... (In the Moment) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You (Paperback)

Daphne Rose Kingma has written a beautiful book on being the love of your own life and to stop seeking it outside. The hardest path to love is that when it is yourself. Ironic when most people seek to be loved by another without ever trying to love themselves. Many relationships are about feeling valuable because someone else, also imperfect, loves you but without them you are nothing. Consider investing all your energy in an act of power and love ... and loving yourself like nothing else.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent except one passage, March 30, 2009

By 

K. L. Smith (Massachusetts) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You (Paperback)

This was an excellent book. Beautifully written. The only passage that bothered me was when she mentioned a Korean practice called Dahn Hak. If you do a search for it, you'll find that it's manipulative, money-based, cult-ish, etc. It's too bad because the majority of the teachings are beautiful, like honoring your body "I love you, my beautiful face." etc. I do highly recommend this book. It'll teach you how to love yourself.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars simply life-changing, November 29, 2008

By 

Janice Lynne Lundy (Traverse City, MI USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You (Paperback)

Of the many Daphne Kingma books I have read over the years, this is my favorite. Why? Because in this little volume readers get a real, "up close and personal" look at a much admired author who candidly shares just how much she has struggled with loving herself too. Daphne scores big with this one, reminding us that if we really do want "big love" in our lives, we absolutely have to love ourselves first. Then she expertly sets out to show us how. The path she lays out for us is tried and true. Her advice works--if we are willing to do the work of self--not always easy, but ultimately rewarding.

I especially enjoyed the last chapter in the book, "Living with Self-Compassion," and reading about the author's remarkable journey hiking through Bhutan in the Himalayas. It is an amazing quest, one, which Daphne reminds us is symbolic of the inner journey we must all take if we are to arrive at a place of compassion for ourselves and, ultimately, others.