Customer Reviews

Loving without Spoiling : And 100 Other Timeless Tips for Raising Terrific Kids

5 star:		(26)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I am a fan of Nancy Samalin's positive discipline techniques that are based on Dr. Hiam Ginott's philosophy of teaching kids right from wrong. I love this book because it
covers so many issues and so many tips and techniques to try with children of all ages-- tots through teens. I don't have the time nor the desire to read an entire book cover to cover that only addresses one subject. I just want the "how to's" in a nutshell. This book is arranged so that I may easily consult it--even in the heat of the moment, when I 'm at a loss of what to do instead of my knee-jerk automatic reactions of yelling, threatening, criticizing and nagging that simply aren't working anyway. I find that I get more cooperation from my kids (including my husband) when I am able to first change my approach. I realize that it is often HOW I say "it" that will determine whether I get the compliance I'm after. I would also like to highly recommend a wonderful pocketsized paperback based on the very same philosophy. So, if you have preschoolers like me, "The Pocket Parent" is written exclusively for parents and teachers of 2's, 3's, 4's, and 5's and is formatted alphabetically by behavior ( such as bad words, biting, gimmes, hitting, lying, whining, etc.) These two books offer many, many options about how communication can change for the better, still enforcing the necessary limits, while responding with understanding and empathy for the child's feelings. This approach includes many sensible, humane ways to solve problems that often require quite a bit of practice. I feel like I'm a much better parent when I am able to use this philosophy.

Samalin's latest book is a fast, easy read specifically about how to discipline children aged one through the teenage years. Samalin gives so many examples of the typical way children are and then good and bad examples of the various ways parents can/should react, with the consequences of doing things a certain way. The examples of "issues" were surprising to me because our family has experienced so many of these and I didn't realize that the scenarios were so commonplace! Samalin discusses communication methods, setting limits, making rules, and the like.

Samalin divides parenting styles into three categories: 1) permissive (bad); 2) too strict (bad) and 3) "simply authoritative" which she recommends. What Samalin describes "simply authoritarian" is very appealing to me, and is much of what I already practice, although I have disagreed with and disliked previous authors' descriptions of the term "authoritarian" and never considered myself "authoritarian". I say this to let you know that if presently you bristle at the idea of being an authoritarian parent, be open to the possibility that how she defines it may be different than your present definition. This book is full of great advice and recommendations!

Regarding parental emotions, Samalin acknowledges that it is all right to feel some negative emotions but is quick to point out that as the adults we are responsible for not choosing to act in bad ways out of anger. For example, to calm ourselves down before saying something that is negative (such as name calling or using a demeaning tone of voice) or lashing out in physical ways such as spanking or inflicting any other act that causes physical pain. As mature adults it is our responsibility to use good judgment when deciding how to react to some problem. She recommends we become aware of our negative emotions and acknowledge their presence but not let them rule our choices and our behavior. For more detail on this subject, see Somali's earlier book "Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma".

I feel that parents who live the lifestyle that Samalin labels as "too permissive" will strongly dislike this book. Also parents whose goal is to be their child's best friend, or those who hesitate to set limits or those who waffle on their rules or consequences will dislike this book. The reason is that Samalin explains why those actions actually cause undesirable behavior in children; they cause the very behavior that parents wish would not exist!

This book is friendly toward mothers employed outside the home and there are sections about reducing motherhood guilt due to separation. This book does not in any way get into the debate of whether a mother should be at home with her children or go to work.

In case you are wondering about Somali's stance of punishment methods, she is against spanking and spends a good number of pages discouraging it (tip 49). She never once mentions the use of the ever-popular "time-outs" so, sadly, we miss her opinion on this entirely. Samalin recommends using consequences-warning of their impending use and if the offense occurs, to follow through on it and administer an appropriate consequence such as loss of playing with a certain toy, etc.

Samalin endorses prevention of parental burnout as essential to good parenting and I agree wholeheartedly. She gives only one remedy, however, separation. I was disappointed that other options are not discussed at all for the parents of children who are not yet ready to separate. Samalin encourages finding and using a good babysitter and then separating. Unfortunately here again is an area where I feel Samalin misses the mark by not stating that the developmental stage of the child and the child's unique personality and temperament should be taken into consideration before separations, especially for weekends or a longer vacation, are made. I personally feel that first and foremost whether the child can handle the separation should be the deciding factor. For a great book about motherhood stress and burnout see Dr. Kendall-Tackett's book "The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood".

All in all I found this book helpful and interesting despite some advice that I disagreed with, however I realize that no one book will be an exact copy of my own opinions unless I am the author! I honestly feel that to cram parenting advice for the broad range of ages one through teenage years is a daunting if not impossible task. I encourage parents of toddlers to read "The Discipline Book" by William Sears M.D.-I found this most helpful for the first year and the toddler years (although the author says it is for birth through age 10). This book by Dr. Sears really stresses the developmental stages of babies and young children and what we are to expect from certain ages and then how best to avoid problems. With that said, I do love Samalin's book for use from age 3 and up.

I read this book a few months ago and immediately took it to heart. It absolutely changed the way I think about discipline. The most interesting thing is that recently, I picked it up to browse through again, and was amazed at all the thoughts from the book that I have adopted as my own. So many tips I've used...so many anecdotes I've repeated to friends...so much GOOD STUFF that I've internalized since I read it the first time.

My husband read the book, too. He has for the past 4 years been a believer in the style of discipline promoted by John Rosemond: very authoritarian and a strict disciplinarian of the old school, "just like your grandmother." This style has become very popular lately, as American children seem to be more insolent, violent and disrespectful than ever before. A reversion to that old-time discipline seems, at first blush, to be the answer.

Although we certainly want our children to be well-behaved and respectful, we also want them to be happy and well-adjusted, not sneaky and defiant. After reading Samalin's thoughtful book, my husband and I have decided that we agree with Rosemond's goals, but not his methods. Samalin will give you options, and ways to be an authoritative parent, instead of an authoritarian one. THAT INSIGHT ALONE IS WORTH THE PRICE OF THIS BOOK, and there are many more.

I've never found one parenting book that has all the answers. In fact, the longer I'm a parent, the more convinced I am that there are no clear-cut instructions on discipline that are right for every child. But this book -- with its wonderful anecdotes, sample dialogues and calm, pragmatic suggestions -- is the one book I recommend above all others. I certainly wish my parents had read it.

I have recently had the pleasure of reading Nancy's latest book, Loving Without Spoiling. For those parenting skills that I know and use, it was nice to reinforce their value and hone them further. For those difficult areas that need improvement, I found the book to be a gift. It offers help in an easily disgestible format. The book is arranged like a reference book, which makes it easy to pick up and find information quickly and efficiently. The subtitles are easy to understand and practical in their applications. I recommend this book to all those parents who have both busy schedules as well as a desire to improve their skills at their most important role - that of parent to their children!

For over fifteen years our company, BookSmart, has been the primary book supplier and consultant for the majority of independent schools in NYC and southern CT. We cannot keep Nancy's Samalin's book Loving Without Spoiling in stock. The response has been simply overwhelming. Parents and teachers have been thrilled with Samalin's practical, straight-forward approach to communicating with children. This book is fantastic and a must for parents and teachers!

LOVING WITHOUT SPOILING is written with enough humor to help the pages to turn, and tied to common place occurances and reality enough to make it immediately useful. Nancy's observations and suggestions coupled with her insight in this book - works well with children, and is easily expandable to use with other adults and even pets. Having read her book I then had the opportunity to hear her speak in person and found her and her Workshops to be phenominal tools.

This book has become my most often referenced parenting book. Its format is ideal for 3-minute refresher courses on strategies. Today, I just re-read "End Morning Madness" and "Jump-Start the Dawdler" to help get ready for the first week of school. When you feel like there must be a better way to deal with a situation, but you are too stressed, distracted, or busy to calmly think it through, give yourself a time-out and run for this book.

I highly recommend this and all of Nancy Samalin's invaluable parenting books. When I became a mom I looked to various popular books for information and advice, and quickly found that nothing can compare to Samalin's practical and compassionate approach. She clearly understands the frustrations -- large and small -- involved in everyday parenting situations, and shows how parents can address them in a way that fosters good behavior and builds an environment of respect within the family. Parents of children at any age will benefit tremendously from reading "Loving Without Spoiling." Great baby shower gift, too!

Nancy Samalin has once again hit the nail on the head with simple practical advice that helps parents understand the goals they have for their children and how to achieve these goals by parenting with appropriate boundaries. The book is set up in such a way as to be easily understood and practical in nature. As the director of an early childhood, I'm excited by the opportunity parents of young children have when they implement the positive advice contained in this book.

This book has lots of helpful, effective tips for parents. Especially helpful to those parents who use the gentle discipline approach.