Chapter 1
1
Welcome Home, Master
Hmm . . . Today, I need to order two bags of lemons, three packs of cream, and one bag of crème fraîche. After mopping the floor and polishing the china, I was completely exhausted. Back in the break room, I pulled off my white-brimmed, frilly headband, kicked back with a cup of tea, and turned on my laptop.
Greetings. My name is Aaliyah Kominami. I work as a waitress in a small café in Akihabara. To be more precise, it's a maid café, where the waitresses all dress in traditional maid uniforms. Our café is a tiny flower blooming in the vast garden of Akihabara. Unfortunately, we aren't at all well known. All the other maid cafés have gotten lots of magazine and TV coverage, but we've been pretty much ignored. A Master with a maid café blog visited our café several months ago, but we haven't had any interviews since. Actually, his website was shut down immediately after the interview, so we never even made it onto his blog. Does anybody know about our café at all?
B-But, I won't lose! Even if I'm about to!
Today, I started a diary on the Boiled Eggs Online website to tell potential Masters about our wonderful maid café. I hope the seeds of this little project will grow, first into large trees, then into large forests, and eventually cover the entire world! Even Doutor and Starbucks will have maid waitresses! McDonald's bestselling menu item will be a Teriyaki McMaid Burger! You'll see a maid on the right, a maid on the left, and a maid in every direction! The goal is to have a billion maid cafés around the world! The Cabinet's most influential position will be the Maid Minister! You'll tell a friend who's down on his luck to "go to a maid café if you want to feel better! H"
W-Wait, I'm not a preacher!
Er, ahem. Umm, I just want to promote wonderful maid cafés, that's all. Besides, shouldn't a visit to the maid café be part of your itinerary while in Japan anyway? With a bit of courage and curiosity, you'll experience Paradise, Dreamland, and Shangri-la! You'll be missing out on life if you pass up such an opportunity. What percent of life's pleasures will you miss? A hundred percent, of course. In other words, the value of your life will be reduced to zero! The true reason behind the origin of life on Earth and space can be found in maid cafés. The divine truth is found here. All theories are proven here. Everyone please yell, "Maid cafés rock! Maid cafés will eradicate absurdity! Off to the maid cafés, the maid cafés, the maid cafés . . . !"
I swear I am not a preacher!
Er, I have a feeling some of my Masters will shy away after reading this . . . b-but, I just got a little carried away, you know? Well, I knew I deliberately repeated the word "maid" at least twenty-one times thus far, so I hope the subliminal effect created a growing urge for you to go to a maid café. Yes, I'm sure of it! I can brainwash my readers if I repeat the word enough times.
Though there are a large number of Masters who believe that going to a maid café is just as important as breathing air, I'm also aware of a few shy Masters who probably think, I want to go to a maid café, but it's a little intimidating. Don't worry! Today, I prepared a quick introductory course for prospective Masters. If you pay attention to what I have to say, you will be able to visit maid cafés without any problems. Knowing yourself and your enemies will make you a fearless warrior, and earn you a hundred victories!
Maid Café 101
First, you need to know where to go. Look for a maid café in your area. Akihabara used to be the only place with maid cafés, but these days, they're all over Japan. Do an Internet search, or go to the local bookstore and vociferously demand a book on maid cafés! The bookstore employees will probably look at you funny when you buy the book. And if you actually jumped around in the shop like a wild maniac, then you shouldn't ever go back there. Once you gather enough material, try to find a maid café that grabs your attention. Of course, you might be tempted to go to a maid aromatherapy spa, a maid massage parlor, a maid cabaret, or a maid game center, but before you jump into those variations, you should try the standard maid café first. Once you do that, then you can explore the other possibilities.
Once you find a maid café to your liking, your next step is to pack. Oh, you don't need a lot of money. Prices in maid cafés are comparable to those in regular cafés. You can enjoy a lot of tea, food, and maids here. I assure you . . . you will definitely get more than your money's worth!
Okay, so after finding the right place and preparing for the big adventure, you are now standing in front of a maid café. If you're a shy Master, I'm pretty sure you're blushing and quite nervous, but please calm down. Take a deep breath and regain your composure. If that doesn't work, think back to the toughest moments of your life. That awful day someone put tacks in your gym shoes at school . . . when your mother threw away your almost-completed Ganpura . . .
that time you bought a newspaper subscription you didn't really want because it was the only way to get rid of a pushy door-to-door salesman . . . and so on. Okay, so these memories are probably depressing you, but it's okay, you'll be comforted soon enough. The ideal formula is: "I want to die" level depression + maids = comfort. The deeper your depression, the greater the comfort the maids will give you.
You're now ready to enter the maid café!
Please imagine your favorite voice actress saying to you, "Welcome home, Master. H"
Upon entry, a row of cute maids will welcome the return of their Master. Let the happiness begin. At this moment, you will truly be grateful to your parents from the bottom of your heart for giving birth to you. You'll feel like you're at the top of the world. But be careful! Just because maids are nice, don't assume they'll play down- and-dirty games with you to fulfill your beastly desires! You'll end up eating cheap pork rice bowls or soggy ramen noodles sharing a table with an old man who's cosplaying as a lunchbox at a lame state affairs café. Remember, have fun within established limits. It might sound like an oxymoron, but this is a key concept in maid cafés.
"This way, Master. (tm)"
Before you know it, a maid will show you to a table. Please follow her quietly. When you're seated, she'll bring over a glass of water. The water's free, of course. Please drink some water, relax, and browse through the menu at your own pace. You'll probably notice a wide variety of food, drinks, and desserts on the menu. Getting lost in the menu is part of the fun. Please take your time. Oh? Did you notice a special service written next to each menu item? You're quite observant. This is what makes a maid café so special.
For example, next to the omu-rice . . .
"A maid will draw a picture on the omelet with ketchup. o"
Did you decide what to order? Wonderful!
Try to get a maid's attention. Since this is your first time here, you might be reluctant, but please make an effort to call for a maid. During busy times, maids might not notice you immediately, but please don't feel you're being treated like an outcast. Don't worry. You belong here. Please call out a few more times, just a little louder. The maids will notice you soon.
"Have you decided, Master? H"
See, a maid finally responded. After you order promptly, just sit back. It's normal for many of our Masters to "come home" (patronize the café) alone, so you won't feel lonely at all. Please feel free to read a book or play with your laptop while you wait for your order. You can also just sit and look at the maids. Randomly catch a glance or two, or just ogle all you want. If you are a seasoned Master, you might even strike up a delightful conversation with one of the maids, but until you've reached that point, you shouldn't try too hard, or you might keel over from nervousness. If you die from a heart attack, your parents would be sad in so many ways.
"Thank you for waiting, Master. H"
After a few minutes, a maid brings your order of omu-rice. She has a bottle of ketchup in hand. The maid will ask, "What shall I draw?" Please tell her to draw a picture, mark, symbol-whatever you'd like, really.
I suppose you could make a hard-core fanboy request like . . .
"Dhalsim's facial expression when his Yoga Fire was countered with a Dragon Punch."
. . . but I'm sure the maid will only giggle. Maids are very kind and gentle, so they won't show how troubled they are with your complicated request. Please don't trouble or tease the maids too much. Please ask her to draw something simple, such as a heart or "Welcome Home (tm)." After you eat the omu-rice, your tummy will be filled and your heart warmed. And by then, you will be totally hooked on maid cafés.
But wait!
What did you take out of your bag? Why are you pointing your cell phone camera? Please read the signs in the café!
"No photos inside the café."
Yes, most maid cafés won't allow you to take pictures inside (with very few exceptions). If you're caught taking pictures in a restricted café, then a maid will shoot you dead. . . . No, I mean, a maid will scold you. Don't try to sneak a picture, either. In my opinion, sneaky Masters should be forced to sign a contract with a foreign mercenary unit and sent away (like Area 88). Join the Pineapple Army. Become a military pawn. Carry a large rucksack and march for four days straight without any sleep. I hope a commander will force a pile of nasty rations down your throat! Or that you'll be punished for being a lowly peasant who didn't declare his u...
