Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either [Hardcover]

Michael Bader (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: October 15, 2008

At first glance the sexual male seems easy to understand, but beneath the surface lie complexities that disrupt lives and relationships. Why can men be so distant in bed? Why do many men love porn so much? And can he love porn and still love his wife?

Respected psychologist Michael Bader takes an honest look at the nuances of male sexuality, addressing issues such as sexual boredom, internet sex, and sexual fantasies that can leave women bewildered and men ashamed. Illustrated with engaging examples from his practice, Male Sexuality gives readers, both women and men, deeper understanding of male behavior from the flamboyant to the mundane. Through increased awareness of the psychology behind the sex, Bader aims to enhance individual self-esteem and improve communication in relationships.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Dr. Bader calls us back from our current temptation to censor and judge sexuality and reminds us that understanding erotic life is the best cure for what ails it. (Kim Cattrall )

Michael Bader's ideas are original and provocative, grounded in scholarship, and illustrated by ample case studies. He argues persuasively that sexual pursuits that look perverse and have been fodder for fear mongering and censorship might be better understood as fantasy play that reassures one against hidden fears. That he arrives at a place of optimism and compassion for our relationships and ourselves should give hope to us all. (Freeman, Phillip )

Michael Bader's Male Sexuality is a fascinating and brilliant book that will appeal to men and women who wish to understand and improve their sexual relationships. The topics range from conventional marital relationships to internet sex, the use of pornography and prostitution, to romance novels, explored within the social context that conditions our attitudes toward male and female roles. Clearly and beautifully written, enlivened by vignettes from Dr. Bader's extensive clinical practice, this book is a must-read for everyone interested in what makes both male and female sexuality what it is. (Louis Breger )

Michael Bader knows men. He probes the multiple layers of male sexuality with a kindness and compassion that are rare. This book is such a good read--I kept thinking 'Yes, he gets it.' (Esther Perel )

Two themes dominate: most fantasies and hang-ups are rooted in childhood, tied to men’s formative relationships and the examples set by their parents; and the exacerbating effect of feelings like guilt, responsibility and isolation that many men don’t understand. Using numerous case studies from his 25-plus years in the field, Bader returns to these themes repeatedly to explain why men are drawn to the anonymity and relatively consequence-free arena of internet sex, infidelity and younger women. He makes a number of reasoned points when it comes to sexual politics and what makes men tick....Bader’s clinical studies should prove accessible and thought-provoking among couples, singles and academics. (Publishers Weekly Online Review )

With the publication of Male Sexuality Michael Bader firmly establishes himself in the forefront of therapists writing about sexuality. Dr. Bader seeks to understand something that is not generally understood, something that is off-limits to many, guarded by cultural dragons and censors. But he's a courageous and intrepid adventurer in search of a Holy Grail: the very core of male sexuality. His discoveries are wise, thoughtful...and controversial. (Phillip Kaufman )

In this sophisticated and gripping analysis, [Bader] shows us why male sexuality behavior is often shaped by needs for love and safety that are frequently misunderstood. (Tikkun )

Most useful to therapists who do insight-oriented therapy and nonacademic readers interested in this subject. Recommended. (Choice )

About the Author

Michael Bader, DMH, is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who has been in practice for over 25 years. He is a widely respected teacher, public speaker, and therapist and lives in San Francisco.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 168 pages
• Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers (October 15, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0742560694
• ISBN-13: 978-0742560697
• Product Dimensions: 8.6 x 5.3 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #185,768 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

24 of 30 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Amazingly Illuminating, A Must Read for Men, November 12, 2009

By 

AS (San Francisco) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either (Hardcover)

This was one of the most revelatory books I have read in a while. Even though it is under 200 pages, it took me a long time to read because there was so much in it. Culturally, men are supposed to be these sexual automatons (like the main character on HBO's "Hung") but the reality is that male sexuality is very psychologically complex and this book flushes out the reasons why in a sympathetic and understanding voice.

The book really gets into the dichotomy of being male - the simultaneous instincts for intimacy and security and one hand and freedom and limitless on the other. Bader believes that guilt - guilt for being a male, for showing love for someone besides his mother, for having desire for women who ostensibly look at male attraction as something that is domineering - is principally what ails men so much in their sex lives.

"Boys grow up with the belief, however irrational, that one of the most basic ways they can potentially hurt women is by simply being male. (23)." "Unfortunately, boys often grow up with the false and painful belief that their separation has hurt their mothers or that their own pride in being masculine is the object of maternal envy. The resulting guilt can cause a range of problems: it can force some boys to play down their difference, suppress their pleasure, or mute their pride in their masculinity (24)." One of the main consequences of this is that men often think that being sexually assertive is distasteful and turns off the opposite sex.

Upon feeling guilty, men react by either pushing women away by feeling an exaggerated sense of responsibility for women (I don't want to hurt her, I will hurt her feelings and end up repressing her if we get too close) or objectifying them (more of an aggressive impulse, equating intimacy with a weakening of one's masculine boundaries) [all this on pages 32-33 in the discussion of "ruthlessness."]. "The reason that a woman's need becomes the man's obligation is because of the unconscious belief that he is supposed to satisfy a woman's needs. Caught between feeling resentful that they have to suppress their own needs to make women happy, and feeling guilty about their chronic failure to do so, men are often unable to pursue sexual pleasure with even a momentary disregard for their partners (33)."

This is a very illuminating and challenging book that will help men understand what is behind their sexual urges and, hopefully, help more learn to accept themselves with less guilt.

And yet, going along with the taboo nature of it, I felt embarrassed reading it. I always read it alone in my room when everyone was out. I feel embarrassed to talk about things in this book with anyone. I'm hoping that books like this will change that.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Book, September 12, 2011

By 

Scott Thistle (Elmhurst, NY United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either (Hardcover)

This is a fantastic, well-written book about Male Sexuality. The negative reviews are absolutely incorrect - this book
is NOT an excuse for men to do what they please. The author does not condone things like infidelity or internet pornogrpahy - but it is important to know where a man comes from, his context. And keep in mind that everyone, male and female, is going to bring their own psychology
into a review of a book such as this.

16 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Eye-opening premise, thorough research, December 1, 2008

By 

The Brown Bear "Man" (Thousand Oaks, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either (Hardcover)

As someone who prefers evidence based psychological stuff over pop-psych Oprah-esque nonsense, Michael Bader's text is solid and revealing. I wish there were more case studies in the work to cover a broader range of the extant continuum of human sexuality and relational differences, but for the mainstream, this is sufficiently thorough. The harder part is finding a therapist who can help couples figure out their pathenogenic beliefs about the other gender and undo them because so many conventional therapists are simply unaware of Bader's work. I fear that much like other men's issues, the mainstream will stick to their pop-psych men are from mars nonsense and perpetuate unnecessary pain in relationships. Bader's work is a must-read if you're a straight man or a woman who loves straight men.