Customer Reviews

Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

This was one of the most revelatory books I have read in a while. Even though it is under 200 pages, it took me a long time to read because there was so much in it. Culturally, men are supposed to be these sexual automatons (like the main character on HBO's "Hung") but the reality is that male sexuality is very psychologically complex and this book flushes out the reasons why in a sympathetic and understanding voice.

The book really gets into the dichotomy of being male - the simultaneous instincts for intimacy and security and one hand and freedom and limitless on the other. Bader believes that guilt - guilt for being a male, for showing love for someone besides his mother, for having desire for women who ostensibly look at male attraction as something that is domineering - is principally what ails men so much in their sex lives.

"Boys grow up with the belief, however irrational, that one of the most basic ways they can potentially hurt women is by simply being male. (23)." "Unfortunately, boys often grow up with the false and painful belief that their separation has hurt their mothers or that their own pride in being masculine is the object of maternal envy. The resulting guilt can cause a range of problems: it can force some boys to play down their difference, suppress their pleasure, or mute their pride in their masculinity (24)." One of the main consequences of this is that men often think that being sexually assertive is distasteful and turns off the opposite sex.

Upon feeling guilty, men react by either pushing women away by feeling an exaggerated sense of responsibility for women (I don't want to hurt her, I will hurt her feelings and end up repressing her if we get too close) or objectifying them (more of an aggressive impulse, equating intimacy with a weakening of one's masculine boundaries) [all this on pages 32-33 in the discussion of "ruthlessness."]. "The reason that a woman's need becomes the man's obligation is because of the unconscious belief that he is supposed to satisfy a woman's needs. Caught between feeling resentful that they have to suppress their own needs to make women happy, and feeling guilty about their chronic failure to do so, men are often unable to pursue sexual pleasure with even a momentary disregard for their partners (33)."

This is a very illuminating and challenging book that will help men understand what is behind their sexual urges and, hopefully, help more learn to accept themselves with less guilt.

And yet, going along with the taboo nature of it, I felt embarrassed reading it. I always read it alone in my room when everyone was out. I feel embarrassed to talk about things in this book with anyone. I'm hoping that books like this will change that.

This is a fantastic, well-written book about Male Sexuality. The negative reviews are absolutely incorrect - this book
is NOT an excuse for men to do what they please. The author does not condone things like infidelity or internet pornogrpahy - but it is important to know where a man comes from, his context. And keep in mind that everyone, male and female, is going to bring their own psychology
into a review of a book such as this.

As someone who prefers evidence based psychological stuff over pop-psych Oprah-esque nonsense, Michael Bader's text is solid and revealing. I wish there were more case studies in the work to cover a broader range of the extant continuum of human sexuality and relational differences, but for the mainstream, this is sufficiently thorough. The harder part is finding a therapist who can help couples figure out their pathenogenic beliefs about the other gender and undo them because so many conventional therapists are simply unaware of Bader's work. I fear that much like other men's issues, the mainstream will stick to their pop-psych men are from mars nonsense and perpetuate unnecessary pain in relationships. Bader's work is a must-read if you're a straight man or a woman who loves straight men.

This book is so much more than "male sexuality" - it's a relationship primer. Dr. Bader is a compassionate, insightful and gifted writer. He obviously knows his stuff, but unlike so many other books written by psychologists, the point isn't for us to know he knows his stuff - it's for US to know his stuff. His humor and storytelling bring this book - and the subject - to life. Highly recommend.

Written with a lot of compassion and insight about how male sexuality often gets formed and manifested in American (or Western) culture.

Has very good explanations, among others, of the reasons why men use porn, and why women's reaction to that usage are so often off-base (although perfectly understandable).

Overemphasizes in my opinion the role of male guilt in men's relations with women (tends to see it as the sole reason behind men's use of pornography--i.e. that men are simply looking for an experience in which women enjoy being sexual with men without acting hurt, this is a valid reason in my opinion but not necessarily the only one [I also think men use pornography, for example, because it's a way of having an {imaginary} sexual experience with a woman without any possibility of rejection--which has nothing to do with guilt]).

Other reviewers who gave this work the lowest-possible rating to me don't seem like they read the same book; they seem like they heard what they thought the author was saying rather than what he actually does say (possibly for political reasons). It is *not* an intellectualized exercise in justifying pornography, in fact he touches on what I would consider a reason for this (mis)reading--many women often feel that if they *understand* men's sexual behavior they will be by definition required to *accept* it without any possible of challenging it--this is of course not the case, the point is to be able to confront it in a way which has a higher chance of achieving a mutually satisfactory resolution since 1) it is based on a deeper psychological understanding of what's behind the behavior(s), and 2) it is done more with a compassionate spirit rather than hostile and/or destructive one.

All in all an excellent and healing work, and I look forward to future writings from the author.

lots of reading, kind of read some sections quick.
Worth reading and was more than i expected. not bad
for the price.

This book had the penetrating analysis of classic psychoanalytic works without the "pathologizing" that often goes hand in hand with psychoanalysis. Rather than simply diagnosing with a lot of jargon, Baden approaches the phenomena with the intention of making it understandable in human terms. In reading about many of the sexual dilemmas he discusses, I found myself able to identify with the men in question even when I myself did not have the same dilemmas. There were some dilemmas Baden discussed which I could identify with, and in general I found his discussion of the role of guilt and the tendency to feel "over-responsible" for the feelings of women to be very illuminating. After reading his book, I was able to articulate some of these previously unconscious feelings in my own personal therapy. I recommend the book to anyone who wants to actually understand, rather than condemn or excuse, men whose sexuality expresses itself in ways that cause distress to themselves or their mates.

Don't waste your money unless you are looking for justification of the prevalence of hostility directed at women. In a nutshell: It's all the mother's fault, according this book.

Underneith the superficial "professional" tone of the writing, it is clear that the author has issues with women and he spends most of the book making excuses for the continual compulsive need in many men for scenarios that degrade and humiliate women. He even make the case that child sexual abuse is not such a big deal, by conflating media hysteria around the issue with the actual traumatic effects of molestation. Another gem is that men lust after young women and reject women their own age because they see signs of age in women as "unhappiness" and signs of youth as "happiness", implying that men are so inept they cannot accurately read human emotion. If I were a man I would find this a supreme insult to my intelligence. Rape porn and rape fantasies? They don't mean anything negative according to the author, because the guys actually WANT you to want to be raped. Now doesn't that feel better?

This book will be very popular with people who want to assuage their guilt about the titillating effects of extremely violent imagery and violent and degrading fantasies.

Chris Hedges' Empire of Illusion (ISBN-10: 1568584377) also gives a more honest and accurate assessment of the meaning of today's pornographic content.

Hedges writes: " Porn has evolved from the airbrushed misogyny of glossy spreads in Playboy and smutty films sold in seedy shops. It is corporate and easily available. Its products today focus less on sex between a man and a woman and increasingly on groups of men beating off on a woman's face or tearing her anus open with their penises. Porn has evolved to it's logical conclusion. It first turned women into sexual commodities and then killed women as human beings. And it has won the culture war... Stripping, promiscuity, S&M, exhibitionism and porn are all mainstream chic." (P. 86, emphasis mine)

Michael Bader would have us believe that this "mainstream chic" is healthy and normal, the only problem being with women who are incapable of understanding the truly harmless nature of porn and misogyny.

Hedges quotes a male porn star and producer who is surprisingly candid about the meaning of the content he produces: "My whole reason for being in the industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don't care much for women and want to see the men in my industry getting even with the women they couldn't have when they were growing up ... we're getting even for their lost dreams ... when I've strangled a person or sodomized a person or brutalized a person, the audience is cheering my action and then when I've fulfilled my warped desire, the audience applauds" (P.74)

After reading his book, one can't help but think that Michael Bader would be clapping right along.

This book is bias towards the understanding, catering, and allowing men to do as they please sexually. The author attempts to explain why "most" men tend to do the things they do. He explains that a primary reason that married men masturbate to porn is because they love their wives too much and attempt to disconnect from the ties of caring so much and having so much responsibility. This clearly sounds like a form of infidelity. The reasons coincide. Also, he states that, if the wife understood these as the reasons, that she may see it in a different light. Really? The author's approach appears to be that wives/women should understand men's motivations (which isn't the problem) but also, to acquiesce and cater to the male's perspective. Why not consider that if a large number of women feel this is a form of infidelity and thus it should be seen as one? Allowing him to continue and understanding him only serves his benefit. By the way, I don't buy most of the statements made in this book. It is completely biased when you look at the big picture. Whereas, it's important to understand the underpinnings of male sexuality, the scales balance towards meeting his needs and working to meet his prespective.

This has to be one of the worst books I have read recently in probing male sexuality. The best line in the book, that sex starts in the mind and then travels South, in the first chapter is the best line of the book. This books fails on so many levels and is boring. Don't waste your time and money on this one, it isn't worth it. There are other books out there that are more insightful, explicitly clear on the author's thoughts and observations, that are clear and precise. This book is none of those things. It seems that the author is trying to come to terms with his own unique set of circumstances rather than answers questions and report observations of male sexuality. I disagree with some of his summations as do some of the authors out there. Save your money...this guy can't write.