Customer Reviews

Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

5 star:		(84)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

First of all, let me say that I am a bright, well educated (doctorate) woman of some age. After twenty years of living with a Narcissist (although I did not know this syndrome actually had a diagnostic name), being controlled, manipulated, lied to, deceived, cuckolded and gaslighted, I felt quite confident that

1) something was wrong and it had to be me, since he told me that constantly (WRONG),

2) i couldn't put a finger on it, but nothing ever made sense - i could not validate the experiences in this relationship by comparing it to my family - friends - other experiences with men and

3) no one could ever understand because it was such a bizarre situation.

Let me tell you this, and let it be a ray of hope for all of you interested in this book. Vaknin explains this disorder so very well, and he explains the ramifications of living with it and the repercussions, that you will put this book down and scream, "EUREKA! I FOUND IT!"

Any reviews that slam this book have either their basis in not having lived or dealt with someone with NPD or they are one themselves and are in denial and can't stand for someone to NAIL IT ON THE HEAD.
Read the book. And then run for your life and never look back. Ever. Empowering. Engaging. The absolute truth. From someone who should know - Vaknin. Sam, if your disorder was good for only one thing, it was this - to enable you to write this book for the empowerment of those who have been destroyed by narcissists.

And before I end this, lest you think I am a pessimist - I have great friends (many over a whole life, many over the last twenty years, I have wonderful children who love me, I have a good career, a nice home and a lot of other attributes. I travel, have fun, cook, do theater. I was able to rise above the criticism, control, and downspiral that an NPD can do to you. You readers can too. And just knowing that someone could explain it so well is the most amazing thing ever. Thank you Vaknin (just what you wanted to hear, wasn't it Sam?). But thank you anyway.

It isn't that often that you know someone who is totally self-consumed and unaware of the needs of others. This person may present himself as a helpful, caring friend, who is overzealous about giving assistance, but subtly manipulates others into thinking he cares. In The Malignant Narcissist, Mr.Vaknin provides the reader a thorough and honest discussion about narcissism, clarifying why most narcissistic relationships don't work.

I read this book on a personal level because of my own experience with a narcissistic individual. He was charming, drawing me in, and knew how to compliment and manipulate me. I soon became aware of his personality and felt his control. Mr.Vaknin's book helped me pinpoint the clues that indicated his narcissistic personality. When I first began researching narcissism, I found that many of my questions were still unanswered. I wanted to know the causes of narcissism, how to deal with a narcissistic person, and the prognosis. Sam Vaknin's book, Malignant Love, not only answered my questions, but also provided me with valuable information that I couldn't find elsewhere. His approach is unique because he is a narcissist, and participates in a thorough examination of himself, confronting his own narcissism, enlightening the reader about the causes and ramifications of narcissism. Sam Vaknin's book is a must read for psychologists, social workers, and all individuals who want to learn how to deal with the narcissists in their lives. The information presented in this book is the most exhaustive resource on the subject of narcissism that I have encountered in my research. If you read The Malignant Narcissist, you will need to go no further in your pursuit of information regarding narcissism.

Did you ever experience a relationship where you knew something just wasn't right but you couldn't put your finger on it? One where you knew what you were going through wasn't normal but you were being told constantly it was. Did you ever have a partner who is incapable of showing real emotion unless of course, it's about him? What about the end of a relationship? Were you ever just "unplugged" so that he could "plug" the new one right into your slot as if you never existed?
Do you find yourself slowly disappearing, your interests and talents pushed aside in favor of trying to meet his needs? Do your successes bring out the worst in him?
Dr. Vaknin gives an in-depth look into the mind of a narcissist. It doesn't matter that it's his own mind he is opening up for viewing. He makes it painfully clear how much alike all narcissists are though they live their lives thinking they're unique. Through the pages of "Malignant Self Love," you will come to know your narcissist intimately, in a way he would never allow on his own. You'll learn why he's the way he is but what is most important, you'll learn why he won't ever change. You'll learn that he recreates reality so that talking to him, seeking closure becomes impossible. You never existed so what is there to talk about? You could have been together two years or 20 and it doesn't make a difference to this personality disordered, soul-less creature.
The most terrifying thing to learn is how completely normal they look and act, at first. It's easy to fall into their trap and getting out is nearly impossible.
A narcissist can't love but he's a great actor. He knows how to suck you in, to pretend to be everything you were looking for. Once he has you, watch out because that's the end of your ride.
He is capable of devaluing and discarding you without ever looking back. A narcissist looks at his ex the way you would look at an old pair of sneakers...totally used up and ready for the trash.
It can be hurtful to know how he talks about you to others, calls you names and labels you in the most horrible way until you read Dr. Vaknin's work. There you will learn how almost every narcissist does the same thing as if they had a manual to go by. You find a slight sense of peace to see how 'every' narcissist's ex is crazy, psycho, a lunatic in their eyes. If you're the ex, it is very validating and healing.
I think this book should be on everyone's list. The knowledge you will gleam from the pages could very well save your life.

Your mate is not hitting you and they are not verbally abusing you so how can this be an abusive relationship you are thinking? . Yet you are either angry or crying all the time? Do you feel your own sanity slipping away? Are there constant "miscommunications" between you and your partner? Does your relationship history keep changing? When your partner does something nice for you does it have an underlying feeling of contempt to it and you can't figure out why? Does this person keep telling you they love you but promises are rarely if ever kept? .Do you feel they have compartmentalized their life and you are not allowed in certain areas. Do you feel like an intruder in their home when you visit? It is irrational to think something is wrong. Your mate would have to be crazy to be in a relationship with you if they don't want to be with you.. If they don't want the relationship why are they spending hours upon hours going through relationship talks and counseling to keep the relationship going? Of course they want it to be successful... or do they? Are you asking yourself these questions? Then this book is a MUST READ.

Welcome to the world of Narcissism. You want the reason why? Read the book. But be prepared my friend Mr. Vaknin pulls no punches. He tells it like it is. If you are involved with a narcissist you will unravel your entire relationship by reading this book. You will also be forced to face the ugly truth about the relationship and yourself and why you were in this relationship. This book will save your sanity and empower you to have healthier relationships. Mr. Vaknin's insight into Narcissism is incredible. My couselor advised me the insight I have given her into Narcissism and what has happened to me as a victim has given her a whole new perspective into this mental illness. I couldn't have done that without reading this book. Because Mr.Vaknin was able to help me understand more about Narcissism and what was actually happening during my relationship My counselor will now be able to help her clients more. She is recommending this book to other clients.

This book changed my life and forced me to recognize the healing I had to do in order to have a healthier happier life. It gave me the courage to trust again because I now know my intuition is correct and I don't deceive myself anymore. There are people out there that are just mentally ill no matter how normal they seem. This book helps you to understand that and it brings closure to your mourning of the narcissist. Finally it enables you to let go of that person that doesn't exist. It also does a great job defining abuse. So many people think abuse has to be physical or verbal. Emotional abuse is deadly and that is what a Narcissist uses. A Narcissist is a predator and a very good predator that is all they do. They don't build lives they destroy them by emotionally exploiting people for affirmation. When they suck their victims emotionally dry they move on. Without empathy or compassion they detach themselves. I am a very strong person which was a great challenge for a narcissist. He said he never worked so hard on a relationship like he did with me. Which made the devaluation cycle even more brutal. He was angry he had to work so hard to suck me in. When I unraveled the lies this man told me I became so enraged I scared myself. That is why I went to counseling. If you think have one in your life arm yourself with the knowledge from this book and free yourself and your heart.

(a wooden cross and stake wouldn't hurt either :))

Regards,
Paige

Like the myriad of other reviewers raving about this book, I too have been victimized by a classic narcissist.

Being a PhD-trained psychotherapist myself did nothing to help me in my downfall. In fact, it may have even hindered me, because I stubbornly refused to obey what all my healthy instincts were screaming (get out!), and I continued to extend compassion, patience, and tolerance long after what good boundaries would otherwise dictate.

My brief story first, then why I like this book.

My classic (somatic) narcissist was typical. I met her 7 months after the demise of my marriage (from which I had not yet fully recovered), and she was the perfect balm. Kind, loving, attentive, mirroring me oh so well. Coupled to considerable beauty and charm, I was pretty strongly hooked. I was aware from very early on that there was a certain larger-than-life (i.e., phoney) flavor to her. But I didn't want to look too hard at that. Had I have been more healed, undoubtedly I would have.

For the first 18 months, a honeymoon phase existed, although there were already clear warning signs, e.g., unmitigated rages over my efforts at saying "no" from time to time, a fundamental disinterest in getting to know me in any deep sense, vitriolic criticisms of many persons we crossed paths with. Her use of the word "weak" to describe persons in general. Telling too, was the need for constant excitement and the chronic mention of variations on the word "boredom" whenever life was merely routine.

It was a rude awakening to be shifted from primary narcissistic supply to secondary narcissistic supply. Compliments dried up, sex dried up, emotional intimacy dried up. Within a few months of this, I discovered a passionate affair (which ended the relationship), that so seduced the poor sap that he proposed marriage after 4 weeks. He was bewildered worse than me when she suddenly dropped him to come back to me. Promises of renewed efforts at our relationship, balancing give and take, improving of communication skills were the tools which seduced me the second time. The honeymoon lasted for about 4 months this time, then once again I fell into an ancillary role in the relationship. It took 14 more months of tolerating numerous lies, and on my part, nagging, begging, arguing, and looking for some shard of empathy from her for me and my giving and supportive role.

Sam mentions the "Stockholm Syndrome", (where the victims become enamored of their kidnappers). As a behaviorally-trained psychologist, I prefer to think in terms of reinforcement. Variable ratio reinforcement (i.e., the abuser randomly throws the victim and occasional bone) is the schedule that produces the highest rate of responding in the victim--AND is the most difficult to extinguish (end or escape from). Think of a slot machine. Narcissists are experts at reinforcing only intermittently. Few are as frequent at it as a Las Vegas slot! For those of you out there who are suffering, it may help you to appreciate that you're not crazy or weak. Most people can be seduced into unexpected behaviors by the powerful shaping of this type reinforcement. Then when YOUR drug (reinforcement) is cut off, expect to suffer greatly.

We come to Vaknin. I believe that his phenomonological analysis of the mind of the narcissist is outstanding. I am able to understand EVERY nuance of my ex's behavior. Things that absolutely puzzled me, like referring to herself in the third person when asking for physical comfort when sick. The feast to famine sexual behavior. The lack of any relationships with adults. The apparent contradiction of volunteer work--which puzzled me. All of these behaviors are crystal clear to me now after looking through the lens that Sam provides us with.

The book gets four stars only because I consider his etiology to be incomplete--which I believe he acknowledges. My ex DID however have the classic picture. A smothering, overly indulgent mother, and a clearly personality disordered--mostly absent alcoholic father. However, I am aware that most modern models of human behavior are multifactorial. I'd like to see an effort at this in Sam's book, and less psychodynamic/object relations theory. We have a long way to go hammering out this disorder.

Finally, I'd like more on treatment. I can't of course fault Sam for his dismal picture of treatment success. I am well aware from my own practice that narcissists only show up briefly (usually due to a crisis). They soon discover that they are smarter than the therapist(!)-- who may or may not have a role in effectively recharging their battery, and depart in short order.

I'd like to see a controlled study done using the Marsha Linehan's DBT methods. There is substantial research showing significant improvement in Borderline Personality Disorder which likely also has a very early childhood factor. There is enough overlap between the disorders I believe to warrant a closer look. The unfortunate mitigating variable is lack of interest on the part of the Narcissist! One of the last things my significant other said to me was, "I'll never go to psychotherapy, being with you has convinced me that THAT'S useless!" Fair enough. I will now do my own therapy for the trauma and abuse. I'm staggered with how damaged I am from this experience. Thank you Sam--and even you the reviewers--for your shared experience. You've been a lifesaver.

I consider the two negative reviews on here to be without substance. We ALL wish that the picture was better. Vaknin is telling it like it is. I'd very much like to read a book or study some day that shows clear evidence of recovery from this pernicious disorder. I'm sure many of us would. At least I have a substantial chance of healing and recovery. I believe my ex's to be infinitely more abysmal.

This book could save your sanity, bring you some degree of peace with your past, or possibly prevent you or the ones you love from making a very bad mistake in the future. This book is not a thin, superficial "pop psyche" book, and cannot be compared to anything else that has been written about narcissism or any other personality disorder. Every day we read books and see television shows and movies about serial killers, but what we really need to fear in everyday life are people with personality disorders. The narcissist will seduce you, then abuse you and rob you blind while charming everyone around you. Everyone will love him, and he will convince even your friends and family that it is you who have gone crazy. If you have crossed paths with a "pathological liar", "gigalo" or "con man", he was, without doubt, a narcissist. Hardly anyone knows much about narcisisstic personality disorder until they go through the living hell of a relationship with a narcissist, and has to do research to find out what the heck happened to them. This book will explain everything you have gone through, and hopefully convince you not to try to remain in the relationship.

I have been wandering lost for a year after a devastating break up. It was a crazy-making relationship and breakup with cheating, lieing, blaming and fleeing. Finally I was researching Narcissism on the internet (after my therapist mentioned Narcissism a hundred times). Over and over again came Sam Vaknin's name and book, Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited. I began to read bits and pieces on line and then learned of his website where I learned I could buy this book.

This book has relieved me of despair and confusion. It isn't a fun book by any means. It is extremely painful to read as you learn and obtain clarity. I can only read a bit at a time because Mr. Vaknin is a brilliant Narcissist himself, as he will clearly tell you in his book, but it makes for some heavy and heady reading. I suggest you keep your dictionary close by.

If you have been involved in a relationship with an individual who courted you and loved you like no other, then began to devastate you by slowly devaluing you until you were in so much pain and confusion - this is the book for you. Or if your partner uses frequent blaming and defense mechanisms that project all their hell on to you - this is the book for you.

If your parent is negative and mean, yet you love them because they are your parent, yet they continue to control you with negativism and passive agressive behavior - this is the book for you.

Look at your friends, your colleagues, relationships with family members, etc., you may be in for a surprise.

I love this book and I'm in the first read. I know I will read it several times so I may devour it. It has clarified for me that my ex is a narcissist who had no true love for me. It has clarified that I am an N-magnet who was raised by narcissists, especially my mother. I attract many Narcissists because of my upbringing. This book is giving me the healing and the knowledge of what to look for and avoid in the future.

I'm thrilled to have found it - I believe you will be too.

I originally bought this book so I could better understand
my own mother's lifelong pattern of behavior... But I've come
away from this book seeing as much of myself in it, as I see
her...

Both my parents came from homes with domineering,
profoundly unhappy mothers and passive, "broken"
dads...

Sadly, my parents re-created this dynamic in their own
home, amplifying it even more (which I could not have
believed was possible)....

My mother (whom I now understand, from this book,
was a "classic" narcissist), could be loving and kind
and beautiful one minute, and then change INSTANTLY
into an ugly, sadistic beast -- and then change back
again into her "normal" loving self, just as quickly!!

Her "on/off" switch, interestingly, would always be
triggered by GOOD news....

She would rage when I got a bouquet of flowers from
a boyfriend... She would rage when I'd send HER a
bouquet of flowers for her birthday...

She would rage when, as a child, I would display any
signs of warmth or attachment to another female adult
(a teacher, a neighbor, a friend's mom)...

(...Her favorite line: "So what were the two of you
saying about me, behind my back??"...)

My dad, I now understand from this book, was an
"inverted" narcissist... Totally lacking in a distinct
personality of his own... Totally dependent on another
person (first HIS mom, then later, MY mom) for his
belief system, feelings, thoughts, and menu of "acceptable"
behaviors...

I'd always thought it was odd, as a child, how he would
actually "take on" the personality of the person he had
most recently interacted with...

For instance, he'd be out in the front yard, talking to
one of our neighbors (a very outgoing, athletic man with a
very "strong" personality), and then come back into the house
and go around using the guy's mannerisms, speaking with his
vocal inflections, etc...

(Fortunately, it would usually wear off after about an hour
or so...)

This book has helped me to diagnose "inverted narcissism"
in myself... A shocking, saddening realization, but at least it
comes with a bit of a silver lining:

1) Unlike my own mother, I'm not sadistic, and
2) I'm at least (capable of becoming) aware of my own
behavior...

I know this book is pricey, but if it can help you as much
as it's helped me, by all means get it... It's an investment
in yourself...

If you want to know about dancing, ask a dancer. If you want to know about fire, ask a fireman. If you want to know about Narcissism - ask Sam Vaknin. A self described narcissist, Vaknin takes you behind the false self mask into the dark and befuddling world of the narcissist to help the victim understand how these very disturbed individuals REALLY view life, love and relationships. I bought the book after coming across excerpts on the internet when I found myself entangled in what felt like a romantic relationship, but was actually an elaborate narcissistic fantasy world in which I was unknowingly playing a lead role. As I have learned from reading Sam's book, like most victims of these deceptive, manipulative individuals I couldn't understand why something kept seeming like it was wrong and I just couldn't place my finger on what it was. I was led to believe I had met a true, honest man who was just a little down on his luck but headed for great things. He made me feel like I was a loved and cherished object only to suddenly discard me when he realized I had caught on to his game, had needs of my own and that the relationship was not going to be "all about him" all the time. What's more embarrassing is that I am a therapist so in addition to struggling with getting over my narcissist, I am also struggling with the shame of "I should have known better" and from reading reviews of this book by others I can see I am not the only therapist who's been through this! People afflicted with this disorder are exceptional actors and can fool even those of us who study human behavior for a living so if you are a nurturing type - WATCH OUT because you're exactly who they are looking for! This book has been a Godsend for me and soothes me to sleep at night by helping me remember that I am not the one with the problem - he is - and sadly will not likely get much better even with treatment. The pain of getting over a narcissist is almost indescribable even after you realize what has happened, so avoid them at all costs. I recommend this book highly to the layperson and clinician alike, it explains this disorder from the inside out and will likely answer every question you will have. You will be glad you bought it!

I was with a classic Narcissist but did not know it until I found Sam's Book. I thought it was manic depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, control issues, passive aggression, sociopathology....dear God, it had to be something because I didn't know what was happening TO ME. Until I found this book. I read it in less than a day!

To be the mate of a Narcissist is to live with an emotional vampire, to become a host to a parasite. It is probably the most emotionally debilitating experience of my life. And I am a strong woman. People, including therapists, on the outside cannot understand. No one sees it, nor gets it, unless they are in it. And that is what is so deafeningly isolating about becoming the target of a narcissist. You think YOU are going mad. Until I found this book. Sam knows a narcissist's tactics inside and out, because he is one. Now when the old narcissist tries to come back in my life to feed off of my spirit, he does it EXACTLY as Sam said he would. And that brings me solace and gives me the strength not to fall prey again to the narcissist's omnipresent black persuasion. This book has taught me how predictable and pathetic a narcissist truly is.

I can't put into words how important this book is for healing. These people are, as Sam puts it, like a cancerous growth that spreads inside you. I might have lost years of my life, like his other victims, trying to make sense of something as insidious and nonsensical as the aftermath and cold realization that comes with finding out the truth of who and what a narcissist is and does to others. I am still extracting the poison from my soul. Sam's book is like a life jacket. I refer to Malignant Self Love on an almost daily basis, to set me on the course to getting my life back. It is the only thing that has helped me, no therapist, friend, or anyone else understands. Thank you Sam!