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84 of 86 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A guide to Non-Manipulative Parenting, June 17, 2001
This review is from: The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids (Paperback)
Don't be put off by the unflattering title of this book, as it teaches value guided parenting and shows the reader what a healthy functional family looks like. The authors study the common traits in families that produce healthy well adapted children, shedding light on the many parenting myths and misconceptions which todays parents are inundated with. There are many different types/styles of families and cultures which consitantly raise successful children, but they all share certain virtues or common qualities. They show why the current tendency of lowering expectations/standards, combined with a "child-centered" approach, is so detrimental to a childs self esteem, encouraging children to under perform like never before. The book is NOT about any particular type of child as the title suggests, but focuses on teaching parents to become 'manipulation proof' by understanding their own weaknesses and blind spots. These 'hidden agendas' include things such as parental guilt, fear, lack of confidence, inconvenience, conflict between parents etc. Through their normal limit testing, kids quickly discover and can exploit our blind sides without really understanding or comprehending why we tend to react in predictable ways. Parents must first look at themselves and find out what is preventing them from being effective when it comes to discipline. Many books accurately describe discipline problems and give sound situational advice but this one actually explains why some behaviours persist with seemingly no reward or purpose. Why a child will initiate a three hour screaming power struggle when all he/she has to do is pick up one toy or write one sentence of homework. We could not understand why our child was so focused on controlling us with no real purpose or goal and this book explains it very clearly. This is one of only a few parenting books which give a good explaination of unwanted behavours learned through "negative reinforcement". This is so important because the most challenging behaviours are not positively rewarded, but rooted or acquired through negative reinforcement. These are behaviours which are not always deliberate or conciously guided, with 'avoidance' as the underlying goal. Because they are rooted in avoidance they are much more persistant and enduring than behaviours acquired through positive reinforcement. When most people hear the word "Manipulation" they automatically think of openly planned deception, but that is NOT what this book is about. Many negatively reinforced behaviours appear manipulative on the surface but actually have no real goal or reward other than avoidance. When there is mutual avoidance or 'hidden agendas' with both the parent and child, that's where the problems start. The book teaches parents to recognise these patterns, and interrupt them before they become your childs normal mode of operation. This is an excellent book and surely a real eye-opener for many parents. It's not your typical "how to" parenting book but gives parents a powerful insight into healthy family dynamics.
If your child is excessively bossy, controlling, always trying to make others compromise (for no apparent reason), expending a disproportionate amount of energy over seemingly trivial issues or objectives, READ THIS BOOK! Other great discipline/parenting books I highly recommend are: "Setting Limits" by Robert J MacKenzie, "Ain't Misbehavin" by William P Garvey, "Kid Cooperation" by Elizabeth Pantley and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk".
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34 of 35 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Bad Title, Good Book, November 1, 2004
This review is from: The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids (Paperback)
I was put off by the title of this book but I bought it for my sister who was struggling with a child who knew how to push his divorced parents' buttons. They both felt guilty and sorry for him after the divorce, and he used that knowledge to get what he wanted or to get out of things he didn't want to do. By the age of 14, he had a lot of problems dealing with the normal things kids his must deal with -- school work, problems with friends, honouring his commitments to school teams and clubs, family members, etc. -- because his parents had always stepped in to make excuses for him and never made him do anything he didn't feel like doing because they felt he'd ``suffered enough'' in the aftermath of their divorce. He's a nice, smart boy, and he was only doing what had worked for him for most of his life. Nonetheless, the title of this book makes it sound like these children are cunning and devious schemers. But inside it becomes clear that the problem is the parents, not the kids. And the book instructs parents to stop enabling and lay down the law in a gentle and humane way. My sister was insulted at first by the title of the book until she read it and recognized herself in the mistakes many parents like her make. She finished it and gave it to her ex-husband. It took about a month of breaking bad habits, but the change in my nephew is remarkable. He honours commitments and if he can't, he doesn't make false promises. He gets his homework done without whinging to his parents that he can't do it and that the teacher is unfair to him. He goes to bed when he's told and doesn't try to wear his parents down into giving him an extra hour of Nintendo time. And it was like he was wanting this and silently asking for it all his life. He wanted his parents to present a united front and lay down rules, regulations and expectations. And now he is meeting them, and seems much happier to me than I have ever seen him. So don't be put off the book's title. If you're struggling with a child who you feel is getting the better of you, give this book a read. It'll get you back on the right path.
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21 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A commonsense approach! No psycho-babble here!, July 29, 2000
By A Customer
This review is from: The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids (Paperback)
This book sure was an eye opener for my husband and me. Trying to blend two families, plus deal with his 12 year old daughter's behavior exhausted us beyond belief. This book supported what we knew we needed to do. If you are ready to get rid of the guilt that manipulate children feed on, then you are ready to read and apply this advice. Finally we were able to "pull the rug out" from beneath what she thought was her arsenal of tried and true tricks. Tricks that had always work for her, but after reading this book; slowly came to an end. I recommend this book to all stepfamilies and non-stepfamilies where you feel your child is "RUNNING THE SHOW".
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