Customer Reviews

The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids

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Don't be put off by the unflattering title of this book, as it teaches value guided parenting and shows the reader what a healthy functional family looks like. The authors study the common traits in families that produce healthy well adapted children, shedding light on the many parenting myths and misconceptions which todays parents are inundated with. There are many different types/styles of families and cultures which consitantly raise successful children, but they all share certain virtues or common qualities. They show why the current tendency of lowering expectations/standards, combined with a "child-centered" approach, is so detrimental to a childs self esteem, encouraging children to under perform like never before.

The book is NOT about any particular type of child as the title suggests, but focuses on teaching parents to become 'manipulation proof' by understanding their own weaknesses and blind spots. These 'hidden agendas' include things such as parental guilt, fear, lack of confidence, inconvenience, conflict between parents etc. Through their normal limit testing, kids quickly discover and can exploit our blind sides without really understanding or comprehending why we tend to react in predictable ways. Parents must first look at themselves and find out what is preventing them from being effective when it comes to discipline. Many books accurately describe discipline problems and give sound situational advice but this one actually explains why some behaviours persist with seemingly no reward or purpose. Why a child will initiate a three hour screaming power struggle when all he/she has to do is pick up one toy or write one sentence of homework. We could not understand why our child was so focused on controlling us with no real purpose or goal and this book explains it very clearly.

This is one of only a few parenting books which give a good explaination of unwanted behavours learned through "negative reinforcement". This is so important because the most challenging behaviours are not positively rewarded, but rooted or acquired through negative reinforcement. These are behaviours which are not always deliberate or conciously guided, with 'avoidance' as the underlying goal. Because they are rooted in avoidance they are much more persistant and enduring than behaviours acquired through positive reinforcement. When most people hear the word "Manipulation" they automatically think of openly planned deception, but that is NOT what this book is about. Many negatively reinforced behaviours appear manipulative on the surface but actually have no real goal or reward other than avoidance. When there is mutual avoidance or 'hidden agendas' with both the parent and child, that's where the problems start. The book teaches parents to recognise these patterns, and interrupt them before they become your childs normal mode of operation.

This is an excellent book and surely a real eye-opener for many parents. It's not your typical "how to" parenting book but gives parents a powerful insight into healthy family dynamics.
If your child is excessively bossy, controlling, always trying to make others compromise (for no apparent reason), expending a disproportionate amount of energy over seemingly trivial issues or objectives, READ THIS BOOK!

Other great discipline/parenting books I highly recommend are: "Setting Limits" by Robert J MacKenzie, "Ain't Misbehavin" by William P Garvey, "Kid Cooperation" by Elizabeth Pantley and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk".

I was put off by the title of this book but I bought it for my sister who was struggling with a child who knew how to push his divorced parents' buttons. They both felt guilty and sorry for him after the divorce, and he used that knowledge to get what he wanted or to get out of things he didn't want to do. By the age of 14, he had a lot of problems dealing with the normal things kids his must deal with -- school work, problems with friends, honouring his commitments to school teams and clubs, family members, etc. -- because his parents had always stepped in to make excuses for him and never made him do anything he didn't feel like doing because they felt he'd ``suffered enough'' in the aftermath of their divorce.

He's a nice, smart boy, and he was only doing what had worked for him for most of his life.

Nonetheless, the title of this book makes it sound like these children are cunning and devious schemers. But inside it becomes clear that the problem is the parents, not the kids. And the book instructs parents to stop enabling and lay down the law in a gentle and humane way.

My sister was insulted at first by the title of the book until she read it and recognized herself in the mistakes many parents like her make. She finished it and gave it to her ex-husband. It took about a month of breaking bad habits, but the change in my nephew is remarkable. He honours commitments and if he can't, he doesn't make false promises. He gets his homework done without whinging to his parents that he can't do it and that the teacher is unfair to him. He goes to bed when he's told and doesn't try to wear his parents down into giving him an extra hour of Nintendo time.

And it was like he was wanting this and silently asking for it all his life. He wanted his parents to present a united front and lay down rules, regulations and expectations. And now he is meeting them, and seems much happier to me than I have ever seen him.

So don't be put off the book's title. If you're struggling with a child who you feel is getting the better of you, give this book a read. It'll get you back on the right path.

This book sure was an eye opener for my husband and me. Trying to blend two families, plus deal with his 12 year old daughter's behavior exhausted us beyond belief. This book supported what we knew we needed to do. If you are ready to get rid of the guilt that manipulate children feed on, then you are ready to read and apply this advice. Finally we were able to "pull the rug out" from beneath what she thought was her arsenal of tried and true tricks. Tricks that had always work for her, but after reading this book; slowly came to an end. I recommend this book to all stepfamilies and non-stepfamilies where you feel your child is "RUNNING THE SHOW".

Where to begin?! My head is spinning with the amount of information and introspection this book provides. If you enjoy the payoffs of getting to the root of issues, this book is for you. The payoffs are sometimes right there and simple to achieve and some may require more persistence. If you prefer a life with little growth, confrontation and self awareness then keep watching tv, eating drive-thru fast food and most of all, forget this book.

Nothing worth while is ever easy, but the work done to get great results shows you that you're strong enough to stick it through. When you crack this book open, its a bit like opening Pandora's Box. You will find that each member of the family plays into the behavior we're trying to stop (avoid). If you can't take a bit of self-criticism, you'll miss valuable clues into the drama at hand. The book is not direct in the sense that it openly says 'parents are idiots and do everything wrong', but speaks to us in a gentler way by describing how our being manipulated serves something within ourselves as well.

So, as much as we would like to focus on the child (which this book does), we also need to run a parallel thought process on the hand -we- play.

There are 'assignments' provided which invite you to delve deeper and become better at identifying what you've just learned. It also provides clear information to resolving manipulation behavior and its fallout.

Its refreshing to read a book with such emphasis on self responsibility and integrity. I'm so happy I ordered this book, I think lessons learned will bleed over into other aspects of my life and allow me to improve at parenting and myself! Time to stand up and be the parents our children need us to be!

I cannot tell you how happy I am that I bought this book. I have recommended it so many times, I should get commission, lol.

I have spent the past 2 years trying to gain peace and harmony in my house. As the parent of a highly manipulative, spirited 3 year old, the stress level in the house ultimately depended on his mood. That is, until I bought this book.

The whole book is about how and why kids manipulate and it helps identify reasons why we let them. Every child manipulates in one way or another, but it's those kids who make a career out of it that grow up having difficulties in life. We, as parents, must stop the manipulation so they grow to stand on their own and learn to solve problems so they can grow to be independent and resilient.

In today's world, all kinds of child rearing expert are telling us that we run the risk of damaging our children's self esteem if we discipline them. This just isn't true. Children NEED us to set firm limits on their behavior. It helps them feel secure in their surroundings and teaches them that life is not all about pleasure. They must learn to deal with disappointment if they are to grow up well adjusted and responsible for their actions. We teach them nothing by covering up their bad behavior and allowing them to manipulate their way through life.

This book does a wonderful job of teaching us how to accomplish this. It has many examples throughout the book which made it very enjoyable to read. The method they use is simple, clear and easy to apply. I have had the best 2 days since reading this book and applying what I've learned. I'm looking forward to many more. I feel I'm gaining control of my boys (mostly the 3 year old) and not letting them beat me up anymore with their misbehaviors. And in turn, they are honestly starting to behave better. The whining hasn't completely ended and they still have their moments, but I don't give in at ALL now. They are slowly learning that they can't get a rise out of me. I haven't yelled or screamed at them in 2 days and my stress level has come down dramatically. It's incredible.

So I'll step down off my soapbox now and just say that I recommend this book to everyone. Even if you think your child behaves pretty well, you could still benefit from reading this incredibly eye-opening masterpiece. It has made all the difference in my house.

A better title for this book might be "The Anxious, Overly Reactive and Overly Involved Parent: How to Regain Control of Yourself and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids," but that title is probably even more off-putting than the real one. The advice and methods are straight forward, uncomplicated, and just common sense. Most of the best teachers and parents I know use something very like stop/pause/redirect to teach their students and children to manage themselves.

To those reviewers who complain that the book is padded with too many examples, I think most readers want examples in parenting books because they provide a framework for applying the parenting advice. The most difficult thing about stop/pause/redirect is that it requires time and patience, and the authors do caution parents not to try it unless they can commit themselves to making the time (and managing their own behavior well enough) to be consistent.

Another reviewer commented that this isn't for every kid because some kids aren't the same "The book does not addresss children who do not fit into the box". I think he's wrong- I have one of those impossible kids that tests EVERY thing you say and has skillfully found every weak point in our parenting styles and is so energetic that he doesn't stop ALL day long. The authors are dead-on- and the solution is easy but takes lots of consistent effort and time (and cooperative parents). This book has been an eye-opener for how much manipulation takes place on the part of us as parents and how my child learned to out-manipulate us to get out of doing things, for example: "I'm too scare to walk upstairs by myself to brush my teeth", etc. We basically train our kids to get what they want because we often are at a loss (and afraid/tired of dealing with their outbursts) of how to consistently set limits (do we send our kids to time-out, spank, or make reward charts, etc). These authors point out these are all methods of manipulation that just teach our kids to out-manipulate us, the behavior returning once the "reward/punishment" is gone. In three days I have been at "war" with my son- constantly on him to do what I ask- using the stop, pause, redirect method. By day 2 I asked him to please go upstairs and brush his teeth- inside I was weary and afraid he would say no- but you know what happened? He says, ok mommy- and walked right up the stairs without a word of how scared he is. My job was to acknowledge his accomplishment as if it was expected of him "good job, you did it"...

whewww, I am so happy to finally feel like I can do something about his behavior that has really affected the happiness of our family - and child!

good luck, and please try this out! I recommend this book because it works!

I bought this book based on the customer reviews here, but I was quite disappointed. The first half of the book is s-l-o-w going; I felt as though they had padded out the meaningful content just to make it book length. The authors make numerous claims for their system without using many real-world examples. The system itself is so contrived that I can't imagine using it with my children. And I felt uncomfortable with their contention that forcing a terrified child to go through with skiing lessons, for example, will teach them to tough out life's challenges. A far better book, in my opinion, is Setting Limits by Robert J. MacKenzie.

This book provides a clear description of manipulative behaviors and how to address them. As an educator and parent, I have used the suggestions in this book and have found them to work. Not only do the suggestions work, they led to children who are happy with their accomplishments without using rewards and punishments.

While this book mainly targets parents and educators, it has given me abundantly more insight into adult friends, even colleagues, who have stylized somewhat more sophisticated manipulative strategies and behaviors in the adult world. This book lays bare several modes of operation, which I now recognize and deal with differently.