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Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated

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Shape up, America! Miss Manners (a/k/a Judith Martin) is back with a fresh updating of the original MISS MANNERS' GUIDE TO EXCRUCIATINGLY CORRECT BEHAVIOR from the 1970s. And she lays down the law -- only when necessary. She's more interested in deriving principles of correct behavior for everyday life; yet somehow her writings still manage to hold the conceit that the writer is just a little old mid-Victorian lady, quietly sobbing in her lace handkerchief over some new egregious violation of the canons of etiquette.

In short, Judith Martin is more pragmatic than many people give her credit for. People who want only to "do the right thing," wedding-wise, are sometimes unfortunately in thrall to the stereotype of a Hollywood film wedding, "circa 1948." If the numbers and relative sizes of the ushers don't match those of the bridesmaids, well, better to work something out than adhere to a strict model that was idealistic and perhaps a touch bogus to begin with. Miss Manners is against all this "pseudo socializing" at work, especially when people get nickled-and-dimed to death for gift recipients they barely know; but she's for uniforms on kids because otherwise they would look "so drearily alike" in their t-shirts, jeans and sneakers. She's against the kind of complicated and expensive stationery kit that bills itself a "stationery wardrobe"; note cards and letterhead are plenty for most of us, she avers, and don't waste money on preprinted "thank you" cards. Soon-to-be-married couples who suggest that they prefer money to presents deserve neither, in her estimation, especially if it's a second marriage. And she makes each case -- and so many others -- with ironclad logic and penetrating wit.

I must take gentle exception to the feeling that the advice in this book is more suitable to the Fifties than nowadays. Miss Manners deals quite well with blended families, moms-at-work, e-mail etiquette and other modern-manner topics. She correctly identifies the kind of clothing that today counts as "formal," in varying degrees, and depending on time of day. (A tuxedo is not necessarily "less formal" than a cutaway, it doesn't compete with the former because one is for day, one for night.) Yes, she tells how to serve "a la Russe" for fantastic multi-course dinners, but she gets the basics down first. There are definitely times when the humor is so tongue-in-cheek it sounds almost like a parody of those very strict etiquette guides so prominent in American life between the 1920s and the 1960s, but she invites us to laugh along.

This book is a great bargain and will serve as a complete guide for most Americans (well, almost, riding-to-hounds isn't dealt with, but I said "most" Americans). The extra zing from the humor and occasional high dudgeon of Judith Martin's alter ego make the trip all the more enjoyable. About half the text of the original 1970s EXCRUCIATINGLY CORRECT book is extant, but updated so carefully that I never felt we were being served leftovers.

As a career reference librarian, I have answered probably several thousand inquiries from the public regarding the details of wedding invitations and condolence letters, and whether you're "allowed" to wear white shoes in months with an "R." Those are just "etiquette" questions and most of them I can answer from Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt -- but for the rationale behind *manners,* I turn always to Judith Martin, the leading authority on civilized behavior for a quarter-century, combining sometimes starchy asperity with a home-grown love of American democracy and classlessness. Who else could lay out so lovingly the rules for a formal dinner à la russe, followed by thoroughly sensible guidelines for the civilized use of cell phones, email, and instant-messaging? And you won't find her wishy-washing when it comes to inviting same-sex couples to dinner or organizing a shower for an unwed mother; to her, people are people and all are deserving of polite treatment, if not always respect. And her dry wit, as always, is a quotable marvel.

Times have changed. We're now in an age of technology with a whole new set of etiquette problems to solve. It seems as though people don't care about manners anymore, codes of conduct relegated to a lost century, like men sporting hats and women in white gloves. But Miss Manners (Judith Martin) is hanging tough, refusing to give in to such lackadaisical attitudes. She's dusted off that old rule book and swept away the cobwebs, offering humorous, often hilarious, common-sense advice to anyone seeking help.

There is no topic Miss Manners won't discuss, although often with a quirky retort that makes you smile, as she tackles every possible topic, including children's manners, basic courtesy for all ages, conversation (especially on those ubiquitous cell phones!), houseguests, rites of passage, engagements and weddings, employment interviews, invitation etiquette, life after divorce and even bereavement. There is virtually no problem ignored and help for every etiquette concern. Let's face it, life has gotten complicated the last few years. It's a real comfort to have this impressive volume, over 800 pages, of Miss Manner's guidance on the family bookshelf.

"Etiquette is not for amateurs" and Miss Manners is adamant about the difference between "being pushy and being a pushover". How do you respond appropriately when having lunch with a "friend" who talks on a cell phone all through the meal? Is it all right to send a thank you note via email? The truth is, we're all in this together. The only reasonable thing to do is treat each other respectfully and resolve those irritating little behavioral problems we all share. Like a favorite non-judgmental aunt, Miss Manners offers her insightful suggestions, guaranteed to save wear and tear on our already fragile psyches. Luan Gaines/2005.

A wonderful resource for any age, peppered liberally with humour and common sense. Intriguing for the things that you never thought about, useful for the things you wanted to ask but never did, face-saving for the worries you thought only you had... and just plain funny for all the rest of the entries! Miss Manners has a distinctive and addictive voice that shines through and establishes a definate character through her interaction with readers, on every level

I'd read an earlier version of this guide to etiquette and remembered it as being useful and witty, but I am struck in this updated version by how practical is Miss Manners' advice. Don't be fooled, Gentle Reader: this book is packed with information that you may put to good use in everyday situations, not just at receptions at the White House or at fancy weddings.

Miss Manners covers cell phones and laptop computers. She lets us know that etiquette does NOT require that we agree to be put on hold when we phone a business and are asked, "Would you hold, please?" or that we leave a message when our call is routed to voicemail. (Hanging up on a machine is not rude, she assures us; it's not the same as hanging up on a person.)

Particularly helpful to me are the author's suggested ways of saying "no" politely--for example, when declining to enter into conversation with someone seated next to you on a plane or declining to donate money to a charity when someone phones to ask for money. Main take-away point: apologize ("I'm sorry. . . ."), and say "no" firmly, but do NOT offer any excuses (truthful or otherwise), which is where, she tells us, we are apt to get ourselves into trouble. If pressed, there is always a polite way to cut off the conversation, such as, "I'm sorry, but I never discuss my personal finances" or "I'm sorry, I'm not up to conversation right now."

This book is not just one that deserves to be purchased and read; it deserves to be read cover-to-cover and then referred to again and again.

Recommended most highly.

Brava, Miss Manners!

Yes, there's a need for this newly updated Miss Manners' Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, as older editions fail to address such modern problems as how to handle a ringing cell phone in church and how to seek recompense for the dangers of mental lapse which cause a present lover to be called by a former lover's name. A lively question-and-answer format offers the familiar format of Miss Manners' own columns and allows her sense of gentle admonishment and fun to shine while surveying the latest etiquette challenges.

If you can only buy one etiquette reference book, make it this one. Miss Manners is second to none; her knowledge is extensive, her instruction is flawless, and her tone is pointed yet compassionate.

Filled with thoughtful humor, gentle encouragement, and the best advice for almost any conceivable occasion or circumstance, this book is already a classic and will remain the standard for etiquette elucidation and prescription for the foreseeable future.

Highly recommended!

While this lovely volume may contain the answers to some outdated problems, I was thrilled to find the answer to my own out-dated question: Is it proper to wear a hat indoors, and if so, when and where? Miss Manners answers the question for all occasions, relieving me of potential social disgrace in an age where ladies now decline to wear hats and wouldn't have noticed any faux pas anyway...

"Miss Manners" is a talented author, and the etiquette advice she offers is useful and entertaining. However, if you are looking for a reference, rules-type textbook, keep looking. This book is a collection of essays arranged in a Q & A format and, in my opinion, is more of an amusing near-novel than a guidebook.

Miss Manners' advice (freshly updated or not) is an essential reference for every household. While it is an excellent guide for behaving well, it does not wallow in laments for a bygone era of calling cards and women being treated as delicate flowers. Rather, it is a guide to living graciously in a time when behavior is becoming increasingly rude.

This is not to say that one must become a doormat for every ranting, self-proclaimed expert one encounters on a daily basis. Exercising good manners is a means of preserving dignity and peace of mind even as you turns away from the rude demonstrations of people around you.

While her tone is one of carefully maintained civility, Miss Manners can dispense her wisdom (and a few history lessons) which a great sense of humor. I've been reading this book not just for the lessons but for the laughs. (There is a particularly good one to be had in a section on how to behave when, at a formal dinner party, one of the guests trips and falls face-first into a bowl of guacamole while at the same time popping out of her strapless dress.)

Be warned: You'll likely learn that some of the things you've done in the past have been (a) incorrect or (b) horribly gauche. But you can rest easy in knowing that good manners always leave ample room for forgiveness.