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Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding

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This is a review of "Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding," and also a comparison of this book to "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette" by Peggy Post.

First and foremost, it seems obvious, but don't buy this book if you don't like Miss Manners' style of writing. Many newspapers run a Miss Manners column, you can use the "Look inside this book" Amazon feature, or you can Google for "advice by Miss Manners" for some sample columns. People tend to either love or hate Miss Manners - I personally find her very arch and witty, but I have friends who feel her dry tone and third-person self-references to be intolerably snooty.

Much of this book is a reprisal of "Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings," so if you have that book already I'm not sure you need to buy this one as well. The only particular advice I can remember that has been updated for modern times is that Miss Manners tolerates the discreet inclusion of registry information on a wedding website. Other than that, the advice is much the same.

In comparison to Emily Post's "Wedding Etiquette", "Wedding Etiquette" is more of a general guide for wedding planning, with some etiquette advice thrown in, whereas Miss Manners' book is mostly about etiquette, with little advice on wedding planning. Whether this is good or bad for you depends on whether you are already getting that planning advice from elsewhere. For example, Post's "Wedding Etiquette" has a very long section on different ways to word the invitation (depending on who is hosting, etc), whereas "Surprisingly Dignified Wedding" has a much shorter section for this. Chances are, though, that you will get a detailed guide from your stationer when you order your invitations, so the extra pages in Post's "Wedding Etiquette" may not be providing that much value to you.

Post's "Wedding Etiquette" tends to be more clear and direct (perhaps it's just that Peggy Post has a more direct writing style, while Miss Manners sometimes sacrifices clarity for cleverness). While Miss Manners agrees with Peggy Post on most issues, sometimes the actual etiquette advice does differ. For example, let's consider the question of whether a guest is required to bring a gift to the wedding. Peggy Post writes straightforwardly that "Invited guests have an obligation to send a gift, whether they are attending or not." On the other hand, Miss Manners maintains that an invitation does not constitute an obligation to send a present, but "if you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding." This essentially boils down to "you must bring a present if you attend the wedding, but not if you decline the invitation," but the way it is phrased is a little oblique.

Miss Manners also tends to be stricter and require you to make more sacrifices for etiquette, while Peggy Post tends to make more allowances for convenience and personal preferences. For example, Miss Manners is very much against the idea of reducing the guest list to trim the budget, or to allow the wedding to fit in your chosen reception space. She believes it is rude to consider a location or style of entertaining more important than the presence of guests ("We had to choose between having the wedding in a charming little place without you, or in an ordinary place with you, and we decided to lose you." She would rather you invite everyone who should be invited, and have a simple punch-and-cake reception. On the other hand, Peggy Post does recommend cutting the guest list to preserve the budget.

Overall, I prefer Miss Manners' "Surprisingly Dignified Wedding" over Post's "Wedding Etiquette." I like that Miss Manners tends to have stricter etiquette rules than Peggy Post. Much of my purpose for reading a wedding etiquette book was to figure out how to be as polite as possible, not how much I could toe the line and still be considered within the bounds of etiquette. Also, much of the wedding planning advice in Post's "Wedding Etiquette" is duplicated in my wedding planner and in wedding magazines, so the extra depth there was not as useful to me. However if you are not buying a lot of wedding planning materials and are looking for one book as an all-in-one guide, then I would recommend Post's "Wedding Etiquette" as a more comprehensive resource.

Many people seem to view Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, as a snobbish, overly fork-preoccupied type intent on making people follow unnecessary and picky rules. This is utterly wrong. Judith Martin has made it abundantly clear throughout her etiquette career that she finds forks uninteresting (if there are several next to your plate, start with the outside one), and believes that the point of etiquette is to "make people happy, or at least to prevent them from shoving each other." She is also--as is particularly evident to anyone who has seen her speak--very funny.

Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding is an updated version of an earlier book on weddings, with her recently-married daughter Jacobina Martin added as co-author. It's an invaluable guide to what is truly important at a wedding, what is not important, and what is actually rude. Hair-raising stories abound from all sides: hosts who ignore their guests, ask them to pay for their own food (or simply to deposit money into the couple's bank account), and who treat the wedding as a kind of show business production; clerics who joke throughout the ceremony; guests who refuse to reply to invitations, demand to be allowed to bring friends, or accept the invitation and then fail to show up.

In a world of rapidly declining manners and rapidly increasing friction, Judith Martin draws a roadmap for people who want to live together without offense, and sets a standard for a society in which people are genuinely civil to each other.

Not only are there rules for staying dignified, but tips for avoiding being pushed around by the wedding industry, and how to keep everything correct and tasteful on any budget. Emphasis is on the new relationship, and the couple's relationships with their families and friends. George Will's old comment about Miss Manners is still true--not only is she a great advice columnist, but a great commentator on American social life. Additonally her writing is very, very funny.

Miss Manners would definitely not approve of the most recent wedding invitation I received. Let me count the ways. It was addressed to me "and guest". It's a rather over-the-top tri-fold shiny invite with a photograph of the happy couple, all tied up with a ribbon. The enclosure, in addition to providing a map of the location and information on hotels (good), listed two registry websites, one of which was to donate to the honeymoon, and the URL to the couple's wedding website (bad).

From general principles ("value dignity above self-glorification", "choose guests through bonds of family and friendship and try to arrange matters so these people will enjoy themselves", "do not live beyond your means and do not expect to be reimbursed by the guests") to specifics of the wording of invitations in a variety of situations and on to troubleshooting, Miss Manners and her equally mannerly daughter have provided an essential guide to creating a wedding that will be enjoyed, and remembered fondly, by all. Not only that, but these principles have been tested, and not found wanting, first by Miss Manners at her own wedding, ten years ago at her son's, and most recently at that of her daughter and co-author.

The style of the book will be familiar to admirers of Miss Manners' column and previous books, combining narrative with responses to letters she has received. Much of the advice she gives is nothing she has not addressed before, but her usual witty style keeps it fresh, and it all bears repeating. It is, unfortunately, obvious that it is still needed. It is hard to decide which money grab mentioned was more astonishing, the bride who wanted people to pay for the costs of her adopting a child or the one who included her bank deposit slip in the invitation!

The minute you hear that someone you know is engaged, give her this book (note, however, that "engagement presents" are not obligatory!) and hope it is not too late for her to heed Miss Manners' words: "Behaving well has its own rewards."

I own Judith Martin's larger book, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior and was delighted to get a chance to read her Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, though the time for it to be any use to me is past, as my sister's marriage occurred last month.

Readers unfamiliar with Judith Martin's shtick seem perpetually unaware that someone who styles herself "Miss Manners" is in on the joke. Like the larger volume, the bulk of the wedding book teaches etiquette through primly sarcastic response to reader questions, not exposition. Questions from Gentle Readers consume a larger portion of the book than the full etiquette guide. There are very few instructions on what to do or explanation of traditions. If you are curious about wedding customs or what should be done at weddings, don't expect to find that information here! Miss Manners assumes you already know the broad outline of how weddings are conducted, and the book focuses on what is rude. I haven not read Miss Manners On Weddings, so I have no basis for comparison with that.

One could sum of the bulk of this book in three words: "get over yourself". More specifically if you already knew the following, you need not purchase the book:

-Thank you cards are mandatory and should be written immediately.

-The wedding couple should not be concerned about their guests spend their money if they are moved to do so.

-The venue and food at the reception should be determined by figuring out the wedding budget then dividing that by the number of people you wish to share the day with. Cutting the guest list to afford a nicer venue or dinner is not appropriate- the food should be scaled down accordingly. Serve punch and cake alone if necessary.

-Cash bars are rude.

-Traditional wedding scripts should not be altered.

-The wedding party should not squeezed to become a matching chorus line, it should reflect reality.

-While the parents of the bride and bridegroom should not pretend that they are married if they are still not, they must be civil.

- Most of what the wedding industry tries to sell is absolutely unnecessary.

-The proper response to an announcement of a marriage is a letter of congratulations.

Readers of the larger volume already know all of the above concepts, though as far as I can tell, none of the content was lifted from one book to the other (astute readers will see that the parents of the groom on the sample invitation were married in the large volume). The most notable update is the inclusion of many questions from gay Gentle Readers. Single sex marriage does not exist in the other book.

The blurb and the introduction touts the success of the marriages of Judith Martin, as well her son and her daughter Jacobina (a coauthor, whose contribution is acknowledge through the use of we in some responses). While their weddings are described as elegant, and not taxing on the planners and participants, no actual details of the ceremonies and receptions were given. Though unsurprised (I suppose that would be a bit too personal), I was disappointed, because the bragging at the beginning piqued my curiosity.

The book would make a good (though unsubtle) gift for a bride who may otherwise be prone to wedding hysteria. I have not personally tested it as a gift to an actual bride, but I thought of a particular friend of mine while reading it, and I may buy a copy for her.

This book is brilliant, and I am thrilled to find it after five months of wedding planning. So many well-intentioned friends and family pressure you to follow things... "You have to do this...", "You'll regret if you don't..." and "But you're supposed to..." Often these well-meaning suggestions spawn the feeling of selfishness and theatrics dedicated to movie stars so that you, too, on your wedding day, can make all of your friends and family feel like crap that they aren't living up to your every whim and desire... or that you end up feeling like crap that you can't throw the "perfectly individualized and personalized" wedding... which frankly ends up looking like every other wedding with that Cinderella-esque goal.

If you want a book telling you to be a princess and you can do no wrong on "your day", don't pick up this book. If you want to stay sane and remember that your wedding is a celebration of love, and your love for your families, and their love for you... then THIS is your book. It is well-written, realistic, and back to basics for planning a heartfelt, joyful event that weddings are supposed to be (instead of the circus-type that our paparazzi-obsessed culture is trying to force as "traditional" and "normal").

I have not read the other wedding guides by Miss Manners, so the review talking about them is of great use. This, however, for me was PERFECT, and I've been reading TONS of wedding books... all of which seem to support "Go ALL out, go in debt, you have to spend big to make big money back off your guests" philosophy. This includes reading indy-geared books and blogs who just do the same philosophy as WIC (just in black dresses, renaissance themes, and skulls instead of white tulle).

Enjoy!!! :D And get this for a gift for other brides-to-be you know too!

I bought this book because my daughter is being invited to participate (read bridesmaid) in so many weddings. I am totally shocked at the attitude of brides at what they expect their friends to endure for them. This book is the perfect guide for those who want the "perfect" wedding but the people who really NEED to read it won't because they don't recognize themselves as needing this advise. It would make a great gift to a girl with a cinderella complex.

I was already a huge Miss Manners fan based on her columns, so I was very excited when I got engaged and had a reason/excuse to finally buy this book. Miss Manners is brilliant, practical, and hilarious! Her dry deadpan humor and clever wordplay had me giggling the whole way through. Plus, now I know how to word my wedding announcements (which I will drop in the mail on the way from the church to the reception!).

Miss Manners reminds us how to conduct ourselves in a civilized manner. She reminds readers that a wedding is commitment service, that the welfare of our guests should always be foremost, and that a reception is an occasion for guests to greet the wedding couple. To entertain within our tradition and means is much more important than jointly funding one of the self-centered theatrical events known to the marketing community as a basic wedding.

I've been reading Miss Manners since 1982, when as a senior in high school I picked up her flagship "Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" and was enchanted by her wit, style, and the great letters-and-answers format. (I'm also a big fan of Dear Abby and Ann Landers books, for the same reason). Since then I've collected all of the Miss Manners books. Now it appears Judith Martin is passing the mantle on to her daughter, Jacobina, whom it appears will be a worthy inheritor.

However, I was disappointed to open this book and see that it's basically a reworking of "Miss Manners on Weddings" and "Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings," both of which I already own. I was similarly disappointed with "Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility" because it was a reworking of two earlier books. The new material in this book (about 50 percent) is entertaining and informative as always.

I appreciate everything Judith Martin writes, but a truly new work would be welcomed. Since she is passing that mantle down, maybe Jacobina will be the one to pen the next 700-page tome. One can hope. :)