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Worst writing I've seen for a long time.
on June 26, 2011
I pride myself on reserving judgment on novels until I've finished them. Leaving books unfinished leaves a bad taste in my mouth until I get around to read them in full, and I don't think it's fair to review a book you haven't completely read, just in case the end compensates for some of the flaws.
But for once in my life, I find myself unable to make myself finish a book. It was that bad. I'm 83% through it and i just can't make myself finish it.
First off, there's no content in this book. It almost completely consists of dialogue, and that's it. We don't need the monotonous commentary, mostly consisting of "Oh my god! Oh my god, I can't believe I'm doing this!" or "Crap! crap! crap!" - usually in capital letters. And I'm not kidding when I say it was pretty much all just dialogue. Come on, Kim Richardson, you're giving us the mere skeleton of a story- where's the flesh and bones? Were you never taught how to write more than a few lines without someone talking?
Speaking of speaking, the dialogue itself is simply terrible. I've honestly never read such melodramatic, poorly-done dialogue. Let me pull out a few gems, pulled exactly from the text and completely unchanged:
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my GOD!" (pg 232)
"And I thought monkeys were the ones on crack!" (pg 189)
"Ha! Take that! Stupid Mark! You've been zapped!" (pg 176)
"AHHHHHH!" (multiple occurrences- clearly, writing "he/she/it screamed/shrieked/screeched/howled" was too hard)
"Wow! I'm like a super hero. A super-hero chick!" (pg 81)
"YOU'RE MARKED! Only demon spies are Marked.... Don't try to fool me again, traitor!" (pg 154, apparently when the author realized she could use italics)
These are just a tiny, tiny fraction pulled from a few random pages.
Not to mention the terribly undeveloped characters, who manage to go the entire 232 pages I read without ever developing any semblance of a personality except for as follows:
All archangels except for Raphael are big, scary, bureaucratic jerks.
David McGowan is a cocky, incompetent, shallow moron.
Kara Nightingale is a weak, incompetent, shallow moron.
So, let's go on to our main character, a black-ballet-flat-wearing sixteen-year-old artist whose mom is a guardian angel, because why the hell not. She also has the mental maturity of a twelve year old.
Oh, and Kim Richardson doesn't want us to forget the fact that Kara has no boobs, because that little fact is apparently important. This is a reoccurring theme throughout the novel: Kara thinks she's unattractive and plain- mostly because of her "tomboyish figure" and the fact that she was never visited by the "boob-fairy." Also, David is good looking. Readers are reminded of these facts constantly throughout the novel. Nothing else seems to matter, despite that they're in Heaven Horizon, where most people would assume that it doesn't matter whether you have tits or not.
At one point, Kara says the following: "She hated herself for being so sensitive, so typically female. Good one Kara. I've become one of those girls I hate." No, darling, you've been one of *those girls* - one of those empty headed, banal, vapid idiots - the entire time. 37 pages before that, Kara thinks that "perhaps he was embarrassed and hated himself for kissing a girl whose feminine curves had been flattened by a giant spatula."
Aren't you excited by the prospect of reading about a sixteen year old's insecurities and how she never gets over them?
Not to mention, that Kara is a class-A moron. Despite living in Heaven Horizon, surrounded by people with tattoos on their foreheads and various primates, she seems to be completely unable to grasp the fact that she's dead as a doorknob. She somehow manages to completely forget the fact that she's a "guardian angel" now, despite being inundated with reminders.
A few more things:
-The first 'bad guy' we are introduced to, Benson, hates David solely because David was responsible for Benson's friend's death. Somehow, that's not supposed to be a valid reason for hating someone.
-The elevator monkey gimmick was stupid. Flat out retarded. Please stop. It wasn't funny, at all. I can't even express how stupid it was. The only things that can be remotely humorous when it comes to elevators are as follows: old people, music, and farts. Note that "primates" are conspicuously missing from that list.
-You don't learn to sword-fight after one practice session, or even two or three or ten. This is a recurring problem in fantasy novels. Knock it off.
-If David was Kara's GA, why did he ask her how he died? Either the author decided to randomly stick that in there, or she forgot about it.
-A note to the author: "You're" =/= "Your." Please learn the difference