Customer Reviews

Marriable: Taking the Desperate Out of Dating

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(7)

 

 

There are many good things about this book, but space is limited, so I'll only address a HUGE problem. The chapter `Men Lie to Get What They Want' is mostly good; it deals with how men often lie to get sex and admiration from women. True enough, but near the end of the chapter the authors sail off a cliff.
Women are asked `does it bother you that all of the love and affection he has expressed are just attempts to get sex? It shouldn't, he's a man!' This is applied to both `bad boys' and `nice guys'. They insist that regardless of how dedicated to waiting for marriage & being honorable and respectful your man is; he is still a liar just trying to get sex. Worse, "when your man says he loves you, he means nothing more than when he says `I love doughnuts'. The fact that he gets to have sex with you is just a bonus." Then, `But ladies, just in case your guy doesn't take these words of advice, prepare yourself for lies desperately seeking admiration and sex. Hey, it's only natural.'

This is sick. Sincere men aren't perfect, but these slurs are insulting and patently false. The authors' excuse disgusting male behavior; smear nice guys with it; and then tell women to tolerate it because it's `natural'! And are women to be content being seen by their husbands as `doughnuts' with which they can have sex?
If a woman regarded my genuine displays of love and affection as manipulative lies, the relationship would be over. Period.
Here is how a mirror image of the authors' thoughts might read (nearly word for word):

Guys, does it bother you to know that she's interested in sex with you only to the extent that it can get her what she most desires; an `I love you', a bouquet of flowers, a foot rub or a romantic date? Don't be, after all, she's just a woman. Relax guys, you can play her like she was meant to be played; don't reward the conniving scheming wench. Love & affection are your biggest bargaining chips, so use them wisely. Make it clear that there will be no sweet nothings until you get a binding legal document! And, after marriage, if she wants any love and affection, she'd better be `putting out'. Also realize that when she does express a desire to make love, she's saying no more than when she was longing for that snazzy new pair of shoes. That she gets poems and flowers from you is just a bonus. Don't let this disappoint you, it's only natural!

Disgusting, demeaning and indefensible, but no more so than the authors' words.

This is to say nothing of the contention that guys are, by nature, unable to be truthful and respectful. God commands guys to be truthful and honor women as they would their sisters. God asks of us nothing we can't do (even if only with His help). To say that guys `cannot help it' is to impugn God.
All of that aside, this is an otherwise good book.

"Marriable" is yet another entry into the ever-expanding Christian adult dating genre. But despite this review's title (a term of endearment from one author to the other), it's a breath of fresh air. The book's format is visually hip, with flair such as little "instant message" windows by a passage that directs the reader to other pages for supplemental info. The authors write with a lighthearted and accessible style, and they include little sidebars with conversational commentary about the text (she's the cute doggy; he's the gorilla).

Hayley and Michael DiMarco are a thirtysomething Christian married couple who write books about relational topics under their "Hungry Planet" publishing company (they have a couple of websites as well, including one based on "Marriable"). Their goal with this book is to take the desperation out of dating by helping the reader transform him- or herself into a "marriable" person. They recognize dating as the culturally dominant means for achieving marriage, and unlike other Christian authors they don't disparage it as a methodology. Hackneyed formulas for successfully snaring a mate are avoided, as is equating the practices of ancient Hebrew culture with eternal divine decree (courting, anyone?). What truly matters is not the means, but the person's heart condition and motivation.

"Marriable" really shines when it explores the contrasts between men and women in the context of romantic relationships. The DiMarco's focus on the different, yet complementary, roles men and women play in relationships was illuminating. For example, men should exercise their masculinity by pursuing and having a plan, while women need to demonstrate femininity by responding (if they actually want to date the guy) and being mysterious. Although neither author advocates stereotypical macho or shrinking violet mentalities, they do favor a more old-fashioned ideal of male and female. In addition, the common dating mistakes they highlighted were important. Men can be too emotional or passive and end up being the "nice guy that finishes last," while women have a tendency to fool themselves with "desperate lies" to maintain a bad relationship. Plus, there's counsel on moral pitfalls, like how male pornography (skin mags and so on) and the female equivalent (romance novels and the like) damage marriable potential. And there's even a chapter on the pluses and minuses of online dating - not surprising, since that's how the authors met.

I did question a couple aspects of "Marriable." First, I was a bit wary about classifying dating as a "game." The authors assure us that dating should be done by "marriable" folks for the purpose of getting married. But then they portray it as a battle of wits using coyness to avoid sex on the way to the alter. That was a bit disconcerting. There are many hurting people in the world who are weary of anything that smacks of manipulation. They simply desire mutual honesty and respect. I think a "dance" allegory would have fit their goal of "tempering the emotional with logic, faith, and trust" a bit better, since "game" has too much negative baggage. Finally, for a Christian book there was a dearth of Biblical references. Perhaps the authors want to reach a wider audience and avoid sounding preachy, but grounding their assertions in Scripture would have lent them more credibility.

Despite a few minor issues there's lots of good stuff in "Marriable," and I'd count it as a solid choice for Gen X and Y singles looking for common-sense dating guidance. But leave the "farting armor" at home in the closet until *after* the wedding.

I bought this book because the interior layout was catchy and unusual. Unfortunately, the book turned out to be a victim of what it spoke against: all exterior flash, not much inside.

The book's advice can be summed as follows: Women, shut up and let the man chase you. And men are stinky and shouldn't be weak nice guys.

That's pretty much it.

Some of what is in the book has a ring of truth, but too often it was dumbed down to be funny and "approachable." I'm not sure what the intended audience for this book was but since it is about marriage I assume it wasn't for teenagers. Much of it was written as if it were for teenagers in tone and flippancy, though. I know the in-your-face chapter headings, graphic layout, and tone of the book is supposed to be cutting-edge and relevant, but I found it shallow and archaic in the assumptions made instead.

October 7, 2005
... this is the book you should read before you go on another date. This book contains the things your mother never told you should and shouldn't do.

I have attracted several fantastic dream men. I was able to keep my cool and make myself appealing for the first few weeks until my inpatience took over and wanted to go straight into a full blown relationship, including sex. Little did I know that dating at the early stages is what Hayley and Michael describe as playing hide-and-seek. The whole fun of the GAME is to hide and make him find me! There is no fun in hiding in the middle of the living room because I'm afraid he won't find me. Besides, if he doesn't go looking for me or easily gives up, that probably means he's lazy. Who wants to date a lazy man anyway?? I'll let him go!

I didn't realize how desperate I came out even though I felt I was alright. The book contains a lot of common sense items, but the analogies they use make it click in your brain (like the hide-and-seek example). I think this book is written mostly for women (the majority of the readers anyway), but men can get many great pointers as well. I wish I had read it a month ago before I spooked yet another dream man away, but Father knows best and He'll send a better one as soon as He says I am ready.

May 20, 2007
Dear readers, here I am 2 years later and still support the message in this book. Might seem a little bit like common sense to others, but for those who do not know the common sense stuff this book is incredibly helpful. It changed me, the way I see dating, and the way I go about it. I recomend this book 100%, I don't see myself getting to were I am today if I had not read this book. I still wish I had come around this book earlier in my life.

This book can be very damaging if you approach it with the idea that it is absolute truth. As some readers have complained, this is not really a "Christian" book because the focus isn't on Christ, it's on YOU.

A Biblically centered way of dating would put the focus on loving other people unconditionally, the way Jesus would, and not on trying to "find the perfect spouse." The whole premise of the book is rather un-Christlike: making yourself enticing enough to the opposite gender that someone would want to marry you. It's rather selfish, really, when you consider the words of John the Baptist: "Christ must become more, I must become less," as well as the warning in Song of Solomon "Do not awaken love until it so desires."

Shouldn't our primary goal be to glorify Christ and not search for earthly shortcuts to fulfilling our desires? Finding a spouse is not like science nor business which have clear procedures or even guidelines. Hearts can be broken, and therefore authentic, Christlike love must take precedence. I don't mean to sound accusing, but this book borders close to the type of manipulation that the world cleverly calls "seduction."

My brother humorously commented that the book also tries to turn you into a "poser." This happens when 'forcing yourself' to be more masculine or feminine in order to entice the opposite sex. You have to ask: What kind of people are you trying to attract...people who are enticed by your masculinity/femininity or people who are excited about you for who truly are? I personally would rather a lady be attracted to me for my fruits of the spirit than my looks or personality.

It is a combination of both action and faith that is important. Faith to set the situations up. Action to knock em down.

This book was entirely disappointing for me. I read it in hopes of finding a better understanding and instead found 2 people who sound very bitter and are trying to sell a book through humor and not real facts. Some of their advice include using sex as the "ultimate bargaining too" and ways to "realisticaly rate yourself in a scale of 1-10" and stay in your own playing field(like don't aim for a 8 if you're really only a 5). Scary stuff. This book really depressed me until my (Married) friends pointed out how utterly ridiculous it was. If you are single and searching, stay away from this book!

My younger sister (who's currently in high school) handed this book to me when we were shopping at our local bookstore. She said, "you've got to get this, Hayley wrote Dateable (a book for teens...I'm almost 30). I bet you'll love it!"

I cringed and said, "oh great, another dating book." I picked it up and flipped it over to read on the back cover, "Oh great, another book about being single and finding 'the one', right? Wrong..."

From the back cover to the innards of this book, Newlyweds Hayley and Michael DiMarco (who met online) seem to be one step ahead of the objections to advice from the 'singleminded' all the while chipping away at attitudes and views that are rarely questioned in the dating and courtship world.

Witness the chapter "Don't Marry Your Bestfriend Unless You're Gay", (not an endorsement of gay marriage but rather) a tongue in cheek reference to the imperfect comparision of what a best friend is (typically same sex) and what a spouse should be.

Other chapters include "Stand Up and Be a Man", taking a seriously funny look at the lazy, non-risk-taking-guy phenomenon that this reviewer has had quite enough of, "Desperate Lies Women Tell Themselves" confronts female readers with the silliness that goes on in our minds justifying unmarriable behavior on our part and our future-ex's part, "How Being Just Friends Is a Waste of Time" pokes holes in the Group Dating and the 'seat-filler' dating philosophies, and finally "Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last" explains the initial female attraction to the bad boy and how to add a little bad boy spice without the eternal damnation generally associated with those hot peppers.

The entire book is written in a unified voice with clever interupptions, almost a side conversation between the couple, interspersed throught the margins. The visual design of this full color paperback is almost dizzying and kept this 29 year-old with ADHD reading!

I literally read this book in one weekend- it's definitely a fun and sometimes convicting read!

To sum up, Hayley and Michael DiMarco answer the oft-asked question: "What if Dr. Laura married Jon Stewart and they wrote a book?"

When I signed on to Amazon to leave a review, I really expected to see both glowing and scathing reviews. I agree with the glowing reviews and can't add much more than an enthusiastic "what they said".

While I found Marriable entertaining and helpful, as I stated before I'm not surprised to find people close to the "WHY, I NEVER!' level. The authors of Marriable put the responsibility of becoming marriable on the reader (not God), and offer observations on how they might be acting desperate without knowing it.

I myself am tired of books for singles telling us how God wants us to date or not date. The overspiritualization that takes place among Christians that finding a mate means "waiting on God." Does finding a new car, job, kid to mow your lawn, or jeans that fit your hips should also involve "waiting on God" and not actively looking?

Marriable is not a cover-to-cover treatise on online dating as a previous reviewer suggested (it's covered in one chapter at the end of the book) and the authors clearly state more than once that you shouldn't marry outside your faith and dating that way is a waste of time.

Frankly, I appreciated the common sense delivery of Marriable far more than the hyper-spiritual approach of other authors (some of whom were recommended in the negative reviews here.) I don't need a Thai cookbook to emphasize my need for a healthy relationship with God nor do I need a book on how to interview for a job to emphasize 'being right with the Lord' before I apply. The fact that "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "The Unspoken Rules of Love" were written by single people always makes me scratch my head. Why do I want to buy a book about dating written by someone that hasn't been 'successful' at dating?

If you have a wistful, romantic picture of God choosing the perfect person for you to marry and you only need to wait for God to deliver and think that's the 'biblical' approach, just remember that marrying because of love was atypical in biblical times. Your parents decided for you because of the number of oxen they could get or how big your hips were. Paul even said don't marry unless you burn with passion, almost seeing marriage as more trouble than it's worth. Why didn't he romanticize it? Why didn't ANY of the New Testament writers??

Marriable says this:

1. This is not a Christian Living book. Your faith is yours, live it out. There are plenty of good books to help you with this, Marriable is not going to make you a spiritual giant.

2. Most women and men make rarely talked about mistakes attracting the opposite sex. Is this you? Is this your crush? Take note.

3. Finally, if you want to get married, stay married. A 50% divorce rate among Christians that matches the rest of the population screams, "Stop listening for what you think God is saying and keep the commandments that are already written down in black and white and keep the covenant you make with your spouse."

As the Dimarcos said in marriable, "How do you know that you've met your soulmate? When you've said 'I do' to them." Why do people need a verse number to digest that?

And after all this seriousness...Marriable is very funny. Check it out.

Disclaimer: I am a 50-something married librarian by day, and moonlight as a clerk at a Christian bookstore two nights a week.

That said, I see alot of books each day. But not many like Marriable.

Hayley and Michael DiMarco wrote this atypical dating guide and evidently have great input in the design and feel of the book through their company Hungry Planet (a description of what their company does is in the back of the book.) But more on the design in a moment.

I normally wouldn't read (let alone review) a book on dating, but whenever I see books on dating, courtship, or finding 'the one' in a Christian bookstore, I tend to pick them up to see how the authors over-romanticize, over-simplify, or over-spiritualize the process. Marriable does none of these.

I would not be surprised to see this book in the aisles of Costco, Sams, or Target. It has that kind of broad appeal. It's also worth noting that most non-religious readers will enjoy this book as well. The authors did well to omit any bible references (since the bible has no references to dating despite many forced associations by some authors)or churchy phrases. Take note though that those with heavily left leanings or that buy condoms in bulk will feel a significant idealogical rift.

Refreshingly, the DiMarcos are realistic and inventive in offering up observations on what dating habits or philosophies may be keeping you from experiencing freedom in your search for a spouse. And did I mention they're very witty? That is both in their writing and in the design of their book.

As a previous reviewer noted, the authors interject side conversations between themselves in the margins, and the design of the book will either A) wow you or B) make you woozy. But that seems to be Hungry Planet's stock and trade, designing books for the multitasking reader. This paperback is printed inside and out in full-color and many of the photos and captions are hilarious. Others went over my head.

If you enjoy reading magazines, surfing the internet, and using picture-in-picture, you'll love the layout of this book. If you've never bought something or paid a bill online, this book probably isn't for you.

Overall, some of the advice given in Marriable is just good 'ol common sense, but there seems to be a lack of that these days. At times the authors make sweeping generalities, but I suspect that is merely to keep the conversation lively. With no bible verses and no sex before marriage, Marriable is bound to leave ultra-lefties and ultra-righties both complaining. Now that sounds like something that Jesus would do.

Even if you're a 'haven't been marriable for 23 years' woman like myself, Marriable is worth purchasing for a single friend. Just allow yourself a chuckle or two before you gift it.

As a serial dater of "nice guys", I always wonder why I end up taking control of the relationship and hear the words. "why are you acting like a man?" Marriable tells the nice guy, "because you aren't!"

Don't get me wrong, Marriable has some tough chapters to swallow for women as well like, "Desperate Lies Women Tell Themselves" and "Shut Up and Be Mysterious." Bitter pills, but good medicine.

Practical, funny, relevant advice with a cool layout. I read it in one night. Nice guys and the rest of us all need to get "Marriable".