Customer Reviews

The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together

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I loved this book. One of my favorite pieces of advice is "celebrate your differences." To me, this was a real mind opener: you don't have to turn him/her into a clone of yourself; differences are okay and even enriching; improving a bad pattern is more a matter of modeling something better than trying to change your partner. Another great recommendation is "have real sex"--messy, funny, human sex that's a piece of the conversation rather than some specialized performance or ritual. O'Connell's stories of people's most intimate moments are a great antidote to the airbrushed images we see all the time, where everybody's young and a sexual athlete. The idea that we can grow older and still be on an adventure, still play and learn and discover new things, all inside our long-term marriages, is happy news for baby boomers. And we get great stories of real people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, involved in real struggles, who find real solutions and joy while staying together. This book is a must-read for anyone working on the most important relationship they will ever have.

At a time when divorce seems to be a popular option to solving marriage difficulties, along comes this crazy shrink with the audacious notion that people might consider investing in their marriage, that significant personal growth can be accomplished through long lasting and committed relationships, and, well, you get the idea. You know what they say. Shrinks are the craziest of all.

Ok. I have to be honest. I was prepared to be preached to...and I was expecting to dislike this book. Instead, I loved it.

First, I respect and share the author's point view that "We live in a culture that promises us Teflon-smooth lives lived with a minimum of hardship and a maximum of gratification." Of course things never go this way and when the inevitable happens who do we blame? "Everyone is a possible target, but perhaps the closest and easiest bull's-eye can be found stitched onto the backs of our intimate partners." And all this, of course, creates a major obstacle to both personal and relationship growth. So the author provides us with some cogent insight on coping with this pervasive characteristic of our somewhat decadent culture.

Second, he has provided his insight not by preaching or lecturing but by artfully allowing the reader to experience (eavesdrop on?) the challenges and traumas of his (fictional) patients. He used a similar approach in his other book, The Good Father, but I felt the technique was even more effective this time around. The "characters," fictional couples that I presume are an amalgamation of his own experience, are all grappling with some form of marital challenge that is directly related to the point of that chapter. The characters are arresting and vivid. I particularly liked the couple he uses to set up his chapter entitled "Have Real Sex," who complain that, "there's a big party going on out there, and we didn't get invited," as they try to justify the seemingly new sexual landscape (is it any different than the "free love" 70's?) with their respect for marital fidelity. He includes a broad array of vignettes, and most readers are sure to find some of themselves in many of them.

Third, I like his central message-that our relationships can and will change us for the better if we're willing to take the risk, and that he provides a concise roadmap to help us get there.

Finally, I like his tone of voice. It is real, direct, even blunt and effective in delivering the message that this work is not easy. "Change and growth demand that we let go of our most reliable solutions(which often means giving up our habits and addictions), and that we tolerate the very fears, feelings and injuries that we most want to avoid."
And there is the hope of this book that if we do so, "if we agree not to retreat into our familiar safety zones, we can, together, reverse our natural tendency to get smaller as we get older."

The words are well chosen. They have that deep resonance that comes when someone is telling you the hard truth.

This book is not for everybody...just those who are married or in a relationship.

this is a fine book and a good read. the author is clinically savvy and writes beautifully. Not only does he make a compelling case for the ripening of a relationship and the accompanying relational and erotic unfolding, but he also introduces reality into that most complex of phenomena--marriage

I have long been aware of research concerning the benefit of being married, vs being single. The way this book was written, however gave me even more appreciation of marriage, which I believe was the goal. We live in a time of throw-away vows, and subsequently marriages (not for the reason of escaping abusive situations, although I applaud those who do indeed divorce for this reason) are more easily abandoned for the reason of someone better, cuter, younger, etc., coming along.

Vows are sacred promises which, the way society casually treats them today, like they are little more then promises with fingers crossed. When two people unite in marriage, they have promised each other, G-d, their communities, etc., to do all they can to sanctify the institution of marriage. This book doesn't preach nor ignore reality which is commendable and makes it an enjoyable read. It is a feel good book without trying too hard to be that way!

This book treats the subject of marriage, not only with the respect it so richly deserves, but also brings home the fact that time and experiences affect marriage, and with help we can get through these periods and rediscover the love which brought us together in the first place. I was very happy to read a book which extols the benefits of marriage, while at the same time recognizing the fact that the two people who took the vows of marriage don't live a fairy tale life happily ever after. The reality is there are going to be problems. But as this book points out, working together a couple can come through these problems stronger and more in love with each other. Expecting perfection of someone is naive. Love, however is forever when it is real and is worth fighting for because the benefits are wonderful!
What the Torah Teaches us About Survival
Companion Workbook to What The Torah Teaches Us About Survival
What The Torah Teaches Us About Spirituality/ Through Isaac's Own Spiritual Journey

I loved this book and was thrilled to have found it! My husband, Les, and I gave a copy to each of our three sons for Christmas. The author writes with exquisite wit, evident insight, and engaging examples. The book is a real page turner, which I was not expecting.

It was especially compelling to me since my recent book, This Path We Share This Path We Share: Reflecting on 60 Years of Marriage, tells the story of our marriage and illustrates exactly what Dr. OConnell is talking about: We have found "growth and meaning through the very hardships and limitations we often seek to avoid and deny." And we thought we were unique!

Les and I also found much affirmation in The Marriage Benefit, having experienced many of the problems Dr. O'Connell discusses: dealing with the loss and disruption of kids, tallying our losses and disappointments, increasing medical and health problems.

The Marriage Benefit would definitely benefit any couple, any age.

I'm surprised there aren't more reviews for this book! O'Conell directs the book towards married couples who have been married for several years, but as a newly-wed, I found it pretty insightful. I'd recommend it to anyone who is married, particularly to anyone who has hit a rough patch in his/her marriage.

O'Conell has included engaging anecdotes illustrating a typical marriage problem, and follows up the story with valuable advice.

Overall, it does a good job of convincing you its worth sticking with your marriage.

Kudos to Doctor O'Connell for trying to defend monogamy and fidelilty.

Among the rewards of staying together, Doctor O'Connell speaks of
* "Knowing ourselves"
* "Keeping our memories alive"
* "Aging creatively"
* "Being more generous"
* "Accepting ourselves"
* "Continued growth"
* "Finding freedom through our limitations"
* "Deeper love"
* "Reaping the rewards of our emotional investment"
As the same rewards might come from of other long term relationships, Doctor O'Connell falls short. While it had SOME nice insights, "the Marriage Benefit" is a rather superficial work. I would heartily recommend the following works on marriage:
* Casti Connubii,
* Dignitas Connubii,
* Humanae Vitae,
* Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology Of The Body,
* Man and Woman: Love & the Meaning of Intimacy,
* Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love,
* The NaPro Technology Revolution,
* The Thrill of the Chaste,
* The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study,
* What God Has Joined Together