Customer Reviews

The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

The Marriage Go Round will shift the way you think about America's most hotly debated institution. Unlike so many treatments of the subject in the popular press, which often seem to be little more than political pamphleteering, Professor Cherlin's book does not easily yield a liberal or conservative label.

Its main ideas are big and non-intuitive -- the way I like 'em. It's got the "wow on every page" factor that Malcolm Gladwell's books offer. But unlike Gladwell, who's a journalist who summarizes other people's research, Professor Cherlin's the real deal: an academic who's spent decades in the trenches studying this stuff.

So what does Marriage Go Round tell us? First of all, Americans marry and divorce way more than people from other countries do. And our high rate of "relationship turnover" causes extreme agita. In other words, it may not be great to get divorced, but it's even worse to cycle in and out of relationships, particularly when children are involved. Instability is worse than stability, even the "stability" of being alone.

The book also talks about the schizophrenic attitude Americans have towards marriage. On the one hand, we idealize it. (It's crucial to marry in order to live a full life.) On the other hand, we idealize our freedom and independence. (If a marriage isn't giving us what we need, it should be abandoned.) We embrace both ideals without realizing they contradict each other. But they do. And when they collide, it drives us over the bend.

So what should we do? How do we "get off" the Marriage Go Round? Here, Cherlin's advice seems apropos for our time: we need to slow down! Stop hopping in and out of relationships. Take the time to figure yourself out first. (If you've ever listened to Loveline, this is what Adam Carolla tells basically every caller!)

Also, for what it's worth, I like the rough pages as well. Maybe if the reviewer below had actually read what's on the pages instead of grousing about their consistency (or whatever), he would have gotten more out of the book. :)

The author focuses on 2 themes here - the high value Americans place on marriage and the high value we place on independence. His main point is that these values are rather contradictory. He sees that as explaining our rather unique approach to marriage in the industrialized world - i.e., the marriage churn, or merry go-round, of cohabit-marry-divorce-repeat.

The big issue here, of course, is the effect on the kids. In fact, Cherlin goes so far as to claim that a single-parent family is healthier than one where the kids are exposed to multiple parental partners and the lack of stability that involves.

Cherlin covers the topic from all angles, touching on history, class, race, religion, mobility, globalization - all the important pieces of the puzzle. He also has an incredibly clear and lucid style. In fact, it's almost impossible to misunderstand what he's trying to get across. He really takes his time to make sure you hear and understand his argument.

He also really knows his stuff. As another reviewer pointed out, we're not just dealing with another Malcolm Gladwell here. At the same time, his mastery of the details doesn't keep him from putting the pieces together and coming up with some very insightful and thought-provoking explanations and connections.

One of the editorial reviews slighted the book for not really providing a solution. Cherlin does mention a few ideas but, no, he really doesn't offer the magic, all-encompassing fix that a lot of people expect for issue books like this these days.

I actually admire him for this. This topic is way too complex to admit of any silver bullet. I think it's enough that he points out the problem and analyzes it so incisively. That's the first step. I'm not even sure that we, as a culture, have even really gotten our minds around the idea that, yes, there really is a problem here.

P.S. Please take a minute and flag the 1-star review as inappropriate. My guess is this is a hoax, and it's a shame to see the rating for this great book dragged down - even a little bit - by it. Thx

I just picked this book up because I was curious about what the author might have to say about "The State of Marriage and Family in America Today". After reading the back and the flaps, I bought it straight up. I had never heard of Andrew Cherlin before, but I looked him up and was favorably impressed by his credentials. More importantly, I appreciate his reasonable examination of marriage and family, two very high-emotion topics. He discusses marriage from many different angles, all comparing the pulls of two pillars of American society: individualism and traditional marriage. It seems that every page has fascinating tidbits and thoughts on it!

And let me just say that I for one very much like the old-fashioned rough pages, and that they didn't present any difficulty at all for me in reading this excellent book.

I purchased this book after reading the article on infidelity in Time Magazine where it was cited. I guess I am not accustomed to reading books written by social scientists because he keeps reciting his thesis (and therefore, his conclusions) over and over again, like a mantra. That is my only complaint. Otherwise, well-reasoned, backed by research, with a lot of interesting conclusions, and it explains why so many disparate groups place such value in the institution of marriage in our globalized society. I am glad I read it, and I have recommended it to others.

Andrew Cherlin's "The Marriage-Go-Round" is a careful and well-researched sociological study examining how Americans keep shuffling partners. Why do we seem to marry, divorce, and re-marry with such frequency? The merry-go-round metaphor is apt -- "frequent marriage, frequent divorce, more short-term cohabiting relationships ... Americans step on and off the carousel of intimate partnerships" he writes. He examines how attitudes towards marriage have changed drastically since the 1950s: "That people could skip from one live-in relationship to another, not because their partners were abusive or unfaithful but merely because that's what they wanted, would have horrified many people."

I had not realized the 1950s generation was somewhat atypical of longer term trends. The husband-breadwinner wife-at-home combination of marrying early, having many children, with a fairly stable home life was a result of pent-up demand for families created during the Depression and World War II years. It produced an unprecedented baby boom generation of which both the author and myself are members.

Mr. Cherlin's plausible conclusion is that two sets of conflicting values are at play -- one valuing commitment, another valuing personal choice. "... this distinctive pattern of multiple partnerships is related to the central place in America culture of both marriage and a kind of individualism that emphasizes self-expression and personal growth." And I think he's basically right.

He examines historical patterns, legal considerations such as divorce laws, gender relations, the impact of religion. He contrasts patterns in the United States with Western Europe, particularly Britain and France. He writes: "...the United States has one of the highest levels of both marriage and divorce of any Western nation, and these rates appear to have been higher than in most other Western countries since the early days of the nation." The disappearance of factory jobs in America had a negative impact for the marriage prospects of men without college educations. Birth control had huge ramifications, allowing people to cohabit in long term sexual relationships without fear of pregnancy. Of particular concern, in his view, is how the turnover of partners affects children emotionally, and he's sees greater incidences of behavior problems as children try to adjust to step-parents moving in and out of the house.

His solution, like his analysis, is careful and studied. "Slow down", he writes, advising couples to be more careful before jettisoning their relationship as well as starting new ones. And this seems reasonable. Generally, the author thinks like a market researcher, a demographer, a numbers guy, and this has its strengths (reasonable and well-argued conclusions) as well as weaknesses (somewhat dry writing style). There isn't much emphasis on the whole aspect of dating. It's like seeing romance as a product of statistical crosstabulations. I was surprised, however, that he omitted the subject of how television and media images have impacted marriage and divorce. If churchgoers attend church for perhaps an hour a week, but watch several hours of television each day, then wouldn't media exposure be a logical and important variable to study? Never before in history have people been exposed to such powerful images of idealized lifestyles, of beautiful models both male and female. What impact has this had upon dating and mating? I think it's astonishing how Americans seem to be closer to celebrities on television rather than spouses or real neighbors next door, and the whole issue of vicarious involvement with media images is, in my view, an important variable which he should have considered.

Overall, an important, well-researched and thought-provoking look at the changing institution of marriage.

Thomas W. Sulcer
Author of "The Second Constitution of the United States"
(free on web; google title + Sulcer)

The title perfectly captures the childish nature of American romance right now. Because, as the author points out, we have the highest rate of divorce and remarriage in the world. And yet every day you see 40 year old characters on TV--or hear your friend--talk without irony of still expecting to find 'the one'. As if everybody has a fated Prince or Princess Charming out there. And you can still find him or her. Even after 20 or 30 years of failed relationships. Not that those were your fault!

And the losers in the childish game are, predictably, our real children.

Cherlin points out that American relationships are more fragile, even than those in Europe. "American children born to married or cohabiting parents are more likely to see their parents' partnership break up than are children in most other countries" (p 17).

And the children do suffer. Those children who don't grow up with their biological father and mother have a 200% higher rate of ending up in prison. Yes, 200%. Nor does remarriage help. Perhaps this is because "the addition of a stepparent increases stress in the family system" (p 22).

Americans have a long history of belief in personal liberty. Alas, when it comes to raising children, we have bought our personal liberty and happiness at the expense of our children.

And absorbing, thoughtful book, and well written, as well.

This warning is to book lovers who value books to keep as much as for their content. This is also for those who plan to read this book and then sell it to get as much as possible back afterward to defray the cost of their book reading habit.

This book was created with a type of paper (pages and lining) that causes them to appear as though they are many years old. This impression would be based on the quality of the paper and it's coloring. Basically, the paper looks discolored or yellowed or faded, depending on your preferred terminology, even though this is technically not the case. Also, the pages are slightly warped already even though it's only three weeks after its publication date. Open this book to read in your home and you suddenly think there's something wrong with your lighting. Also, the pages have been cut at the right side opposite the binding at many different widths, all varying within a range of about 1/4 inch. This makes the book look sloppy and cheap, in my opinion, and as though the pages are separating from the binding, even though they are not. It also pretty much assures that if you put your thumb at the right side of the pages to browse the book or to find a page, the pages will go by in clumps of 3 or 6 or even 10 pages at a time instead of the one or two you're normally used to. The top and bottom edges of the pages are cut perfectly and the dust cover is and appears new, so the book is strange to look at overall.

I contacted the publisher and my nearest Barnes and Noble that had the book in stock to check on this book, since I obtained my copy through the mail and I thought I was sent a cheap, book club version of the book rather than a proper, mainstream version. I wanted to find a "proper" copy of the book and then return this one to the internet seller. A rep at Alfred A. Knopf (Random House), emailed me that this is the mainstream book and it was purposely created this way. The odd cutting of the page widths they called "rough cut". I guess the word "rough" in this case is the politically correct way to say "sloppily". They said this type of cutting is more common now, but I don't believe it. I suspect that this is like when you complain to a retailer and they exclaim to you that you are the first person to ever complain about this particular problem to shame you into shrinking away and backing from your complaint. I've been buying books for many, many years and the last time I saw this type of page cutting was over 40 years ago when I was buying books from a particular book club as a teenager. I haven't ever seen it since and would have preferred to never see it again.

So my advice? Before you buy this book through the mail, I suggest you find a copy at a local bookstore to see what you'll be getting, because it's not like any normal book. Also, because the paper looks faded and old and sloppy (in my opinion), you will no doubt get absolute bottom price for the book in the aftermarket, if anyone will want to buy it at all. I would expect them to look at the pages, decide that the information in the book is out-dated, and immediately give it back. If you sell through the internet, I surmise most buyers will be very teed off (like me) when they receive the book from you and you'll end up with a hassle trying to appease your buyer with a partial or full refund and return. Or get dinged in your public feedback. Or both.

If you absolutely have to have this book, I suggest waiting for the soft cover version to come out. It will no doubt look and feel new, just the way a new book is supposed to look and feel.

Concerning my two-star rating. No, I haven't read this book yet, but felt it important to put this warning label up immediately to warn potential buyers who, like me, will be very teed off upon receiving this book in the mail otherwise. In my rating, I assumed that the content is good. If it is, my rating is accurate. If not, I'll drop it to one star later.

Suggestion to the publisher and resellers: This book should be sold with a warning label and pictures to show potential customers on the internet what they're getting before they're surprised when getting their copy in the mail, and then it costing them their hard-earned money to return the book, because technically, there is no actual "defect" with the book.